Surviving Infidelity Series: Infidelity, Depression and Exercise

Surviving the Crash of Marital Infidelity

I crashed whenever I was alone. I have a young daughter, so it was very hard keeping a stiff upper lip in front of her. But whenever I was alone, I listened to music, and cried. I especially liked listening to an Evanesance song, "Bring me to Life"...because I felt dead inside, and I needed something or someone to bring me to life. I exercised ruthlessly, followed the low carb diet and lost a lot of weight, which helped my self-esteem . It is so hard when I imagined my husband with another woman....and remembered his coldness to me...the typical "shutting down" of a relationship in order to carry on with another woman. I talked a lot to my husband, he apologized, and sometimes just held me..that made me feel better. But then he would leave the house, and I would feel a panic attack coming on again. I even developed high blood pressure. I did deep breathing to relax myself. I wrote my husband letters and had him read them expressing the horrible pain he put me through....every time I wrote one of those letters, I would get some relief, like releasing a pressure valve. but the pain would come in cycles, I would have a good day, then regress into depression again. It has now been 3 years since my confrontation. I am better, but I thought that I would be more healed...it still hurts like hell, and I still have to bring it up sometimes to get some support from him...I try to keep it to a minimum, but it isn't fair that people say never to bring it up again. what if I suddenly have feelings of mistrust or insecurity? yes, he doesn't like it when it comes up again...but as long as I keep it to a minimun, I think he owes it to me to let me express my innermost feelings for as long as I need to . I am sad to know that life never will be as secure, warm and cozy as it used to be before this rude awakening to tragedy....kind of like walking through life with a thorn in your foot...sometimes you think it is finally gone, but then it comes back to you. I just try to find some sense of happiness as much as I can.