Infidelity and the skill of charging neutral

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Charging Neutral Example

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In a marriage after infidelity it is important to keep charging.

By charging I mean continually addressing the issues that are extremely important in building deeper and richer intimacy, understanding and the capacity to hear and be heard.

You do this in a neutral way - by not reacting, by not exploding, by not being passive aggressive, by not explaining, and by not defending.

It's a skill I call charging neutral.

Below is a case study in which the woman believes she is charging neutral, but there's not enough charge in the neutral.

Read what she says:

I am, by nature, a somewhat passionate communicator. (I am a teacher and inspirational speaker.) I love my life and eagerly get into verbal conquests with my friends who enjoy the stimulation and see me as a gifted, compassionate person. In my marriage, this basic quality of my personality has been invalidated repeatedly. Thus, I can now see that the only way to communicate peacefully is to act against my own nature the majority of the time (a.k.a. walking on eggshells...) This is a tremendous amount of work and I am not sure that it has improved a lot. I often walk away feeling put down, with my concerns trivialized. The infidelity ended three years ago and there is still no sign of empathy and our generalized communication remains poor. Charging neutral is a welcome tool, but I think that there are many other serious issues that still need to be addressed. The other problem is that there is no agreement for the infidel to get the in-depth counsel that is needed for dealing with narcissistic tendencies, and the denial that abounds. It appears easier for this person to project blame than to recognize the depth of responsibility that exists when one chooses to go outside a marriage for a relationship (two-year embedded affair after at least one known emotional affair.) We are just co-existing at this time, I am staying in the shadows most of the time trying to maintain peace and show love to my young adolescent children.

Here are some comments on her situation and charging neutral:

1. Charging neutral is not being passive, it is not burying oneself or staying in the shadows.

2. She is right. There seem to be underlying issues of control, power and personal protection.

3. She is very fearful of blame and criticism, and who wouldn't be after sloshing through the mud and mire of an affair.

4. Charge neutral is middle ground between being sweet and nice and reacting angrily with little control of words and actions.

5. Charging neutral means stating one's position and self clearly without apology and with inner calmness. (Easier said than done!)

6. Allow me to put some words in her mouth that might move her toward using very powerfully the skill of charging neutral:

I am an passionate person. I've been affirmed by others. I would like to be affirmed in an intimate relationship with a man.

I will continue to express myself passionately. That is a huge part of who I am. My intent is not to overwhelm you or be critical of you. I just want to state my position and what is important to me in a passionate manner.

I believe you at one point loved my passion, didn't you? Remember? I remember feeling loved and accepted by you, especially when passionate. I wonder what happened?

I don't like walking on eggshells. And that's how I feel a great deal of the time. I hate it. I want to feel free with you. I feel this tension when I'm around you. I wonder sometimes, what's it going to take for me to change that. (I wonder what there is about me that is afraid of you.)

Maybe, I'm afraid that what I say will be criticized. I hate that feeling that I get then. My stomach turns, I feel like crawling away. My self-esteem has taken a huge hit, and I've struggled with that. It's time for me to begin believing in me. (Better watch out, buster!)

I'm not sure how long I can continue living this way. At some point, and I'm not sure when, I will draw a line or something will happen that will draw the line. I will NOT live like this forever.

I wonder why it's so important for you to blame me? I wonder what frightens you? I wonder why you hang onto yourself so tightly...

Yes, there is a charge in charging neutral. That charge often creates movement, clarification, release and relief from the stuffed feelings and nagging thoughts.

Here's a post from my blog - an example of charging neutral. Go to the blog and make comments.

Here's a great example:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used "Charging Neutral" and tell me exactly what happened?

It has been about two months since I found out about my husbands six month affair. At first I was really angry and went through a lot of different stages to get to where I am now. I began "charging Neutral" and didn't even realize it. My husband and I talk a lot now, almost everyday about the affair. I feel no hate, malice or anger to him or the op for what has happened now. In the beginning I felt I needed to prove that I was the better choice but I quickly realized I didn't need to do that because he would not have come home if he didn't believe this himself. He now feels free to talk about anything he remembers at anytime and knows that i'll not get angry or feel hurt because this is something that has already happened and he already acknowledges he completely hurt and disrespected me in the worst way so it doesn't need to be said anymore. I quite agree it is one of the best ways in beginning to heal even if we find we can't stay in the marriage anymore we will at least be friends again. And that's important for the kids.

Please remember that using charging neutral also depends to a great extent on the kind or type of affair facing you.

Here's another case study on my blog of how a woman facing infidelity and used "Charging Neutral" to take control of her circumstances and enhance movement toward resolution:

1. Tell me your story. How have you used "Charging Neutral" and tell me exactly what happened?

I told him he had to leave and enforced it. I told him I would not tolerate infidelity and an extramarital affair. I told him to make sure he used protection with his mistress unless he wanted to pay for an unexpected child. I told him, all in a calm and strong voice, that he had six months to figure out his "confusion," but that I would always be his friend because of our children. I sent him reasonable apartments to rent. I told him therapy could help him decide and that I too was going. I joined a gym, got busy with friends and night classes, and took some weekends away to visit friends. I did not always answer his call or be at home when he came to pick up belongings, but explained it was because I was too angry to see him. He was begging to come back home within three weeks. It was over within two months. The times I "charged neutral" were 100 times more effective than the times I lost control in changing our situation. And it made me feel so much better, more in control, of my life and the devastating situation I was in.

I hope these examples are helpful.

Stop the agony of the affair! Find your strength and courage! Learn how to shake his/her world. Pinpoint the most powerful strategies to stop the affair. Learn exactly what to say and when to say it (according to one of the 7 different types of affairs). Get the highly acclaimed e-book, "Break Free From the Affair."

Both of you are committed (well, mostly) to rebuilding the relationship. Learn how to rebuild trust slowly but surely. Learn how to avoid the "swirl" and eliminate judgments and put downs. Move beyond need-meeting. Go beyond confrontation. Go beyond making amends. Create a relationship appropriate for new intimacy. Get Dr. Huizenga's e-book: Marriage Makeover.

Learn how to feel human again. Discover that your pain in NORMAL. Listen to others - perhaps in a situation identical to yours - poignantly express their confusion and pain and then in a few minutes begin to feel their strength and power to face their future, with or without him/her. These 19 Live Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga will be your listening companion. You can take his words with you.

Be determined to learn as much as you can, to find your strength and courage to use new skills and and develop an outlook that will stop the affair and reshape my life and relationship to what I really want. Download all of Dr. Huizenga's e-books, "Discovery to Recovery," Can your Marriage be Saved?" "What will Happen Next?" "Should I Spy?" "Barriers to a Marriage Makeover," as well as his full articles, Newsletter archive and more. Join the Infidelity Insider now!

Must you talk through your problems? Some think them through. Talking through often leads to new strategies never previously considered. It increases your confidence and self esteem. Talking affirms that you really are OK, helps you move through the affair more quickly and begins the process of designing the life and relationships you truly desire. Contact Dr. Huizenga or Jeryl Swantack to set up coaching sessions that will rebuild YOU and keep you on the right track.

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