Infidelity Case Studies: When Will It End?

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Will It Ever End?

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Sometimes Tears Mean Diddly

Here are a couple case studies that might apply to your situation. If so, learn from them. If these situations do not apply, please know that infidelity is complex (I've identified 7 unique kinds of affairs that demand different responses from you.)

Here we go. Scenario #1. This person writes:

It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his life. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot "own" what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don't trust myself to pick another partner. I don't want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

Personal goals I suggest for this person to pursue:

• Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
• Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.

Self declarative statements to consider saying to him:

• This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
• I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
• There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those – to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
• I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.

Does this situation resonate with you? Can you identify? Have you tried something that works for you?

Scenario #2. The person writes:

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn't even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn't and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Personal goals:

• Continue to work on self improvement goals.
• Journal or reflect on your internal dialogue. Be aware of the part that has negative thoughts. Try to understand it’s intent and what it wants for you.
• Continue building your support system (family, friends).
• Allow yourself to grieve the loss.

Self declarative statements to consider saying to him:

• This seems so sudden. I hope you know what you are doing. Looks like you might be buying yourself a bucket of responsibility and perhaps trouble.
• I wonder some days why you need to hide (the truth).

Does this situation resonate with you? Can you identify? Have you tried something that works for you?

Even if your situation is different, what suggestions would you make?

(From my Blog. Signed up yet for rss feed? http://www.infidelity-help.com)

The "I Don't want to Say No" is one type of infidelity that underscores the trait of narcissism.

The case study below illustrates what it's like to cope with infidelity of this nature.

1. What are the 5 top things you presently are tolerating or putting up with as you face infidelity?

We have been reconciled for 2 yrs. but at the time I put up with Flip-flopping! With me, he would be determined to fix the mess he made, but as soon as he was back with her, he couldn't leave her. 2. Tears, he cried all the time, felt very sorry for himself. 3. Nastiness, tell me how great she was, most sensuous woman he had ever met; such a great cook; a great mom; wonderful, nice woman she was; she had been married and divorced 3X's, had several long term common law situations. 4. Drinking on his medication 5. Cake eating big time! Never let me out of his clutches, begging me to be patient, let him get this out of his system My husband hates confrontation!

Coach's Comments:

1. I suspect an "I Don't Want to Say No" type of affair. The flip-flopping seems like a game, not a true sign of confusion or ambivalence. He "knows" what he wants and he's going to get it (i.e. both a mistress - who mirrors back to him how truly great he is - and a stable home base environment from which to stray.) His comments to his wife about the OP also indicates narcissism.

2. Words won't work with the "I Don't Want to Say No." One needs to act, to set up and follow through on consequences. And, when action is indicated, he will turn on the tears and apologies. Don't fall for that trick.