| Dealing with a cheating spouse or cheating boyfriend can be one of the most painful and devastating experiences a relationship can face. I cannot recommend this book enough. It not only outlines specifically the 7 types of affairs (and how to handle each - whether you choose to stay or go), but you will find it's material empowering. This book will help you to fully understand that YOU are not defective. There is nothing wrong with YOU! It also begins with the big question: "Do you really want to be in a relationship with this person?" Anyone faced with infidelity, or anyone who wants to avoid infidelity should have a copy of this book. I cannot recommend it enough. Tracey at pig-dogs.net Dear Dr. Huizenga, I just bought your book yesterday and all I can say is thank you. I was on a emotional roller coaster when I found out that my wife was having an affair(#4). Everything you said about the typical reactions for the offended were dead on. Everything you mentioned, I was going through( I was miserable). You helped me more than anyone or any resource ever did. It was uncanny how accurate everything was. Dr. Huizenga, you saved me from so much pain and anguish, now I have the power, the knowledge and the confidence to go on with my life. Thank you for everything. Kelly PS I would have paid ten times more for the book if I knew how truly powerful it was. Your E-book finally gave me some peace of mind and a roadmap to follow. It was amazing how the type of affair my wife was having just jumped out at me. Knowing that, and what to expect, has given me hope that there will be a resolution. Thanks, Bob ....Joe This is the one year anniversary of my life turning upside down due to an affair. You helped me to move beyond the hurt and to focus more clearly as I made some very hard decisions regarding my wife's infidelity. The guidance you provided was invaluable, both for understanding the affair and myself. Thank you...Tim R ...your E-book is a tremendous help. I reread it anytime I start feeling that things are getting out of control. It helps put things in perspective. Thanks for the help. Sharon Your e-book hit my situation dead on the head!!! I felt like I was getting a reading from a psychic!!! I have chills right now. Lauren A friend of mine suggested I buy your e-book on affairs which I read with great interest! My husband had 2 affairs during our marriage and we are now going through a divorce. I couldn't believe how accurate your description was of him - he is definitely number 3 but I don't feel he has always been which is the sad thing really. Amber I am amazed at how on-target you are in your profiles of the different types of "cheaters". I wish I had this two years ago--would have saved me a lot of trial-and-error. Pamela Your ebook has already been a big help! No matter how this turns out I'm already alot better off (feeling wise) than he appears to be. Seems like your recommendations are right on target - he can't figure out exactly what is going on other than I'm doing very well these days and still being a very caring loving wife. Thanks for all your help! Lisa You have opened a well-spring of ideas for me. Thanks! Kelly ...the information I received from you in the e-book was some of the most helpful I have seen, and I have read almost every "infidelity" and "relationship" book ever published. Yvonne I've read the book---some parts over and over---and indeed it's worth it. Thank you very much. Viki I find your writings an incredible source of comfort. I find power in knowledge and you have helped me regain myself in all this mess. THANK YOU! Bill I learned why I am having the affair. Why I feel like I do and that there is hope for me to break the Revenge cycle that I have been on since I learned of my husbands affair 20 years ago. I never let go and have had several one night stands and 3 affairs. (One I am still in and want to break free of but cant seem to stop). I finally recognize all the pain I have felt and all the pain I am causing and what to do to stop it. Your approach is really different and unique. You have carved out quite a niche for yourself! Michelle I really liked the phrase "I will make it." I have been really down and it has some how reinspired me. I also liked the 12 mistakes people make. I knew I wanted to stay in the relationship (for a variety of reasons) but I was having a hard time moving forward. Those 12 things really made me look in the mirror. We have taken a lot of very positive steps. Jeanette At this time I find your writings an incredible source of comfort. I find power in knowledge and you have helped me regain myself in all this mess. THANK YOU. Out of all the books and websites and counseling I've gone through, your site has been of the most help to me and I am trying to find a way that I can get full benefit. Thank you. you are the best to have shared all you did...you helped me a great deal. Ciao Your book contains more valuable and relevant and USEFUL information than all of the books combined I have read over the last two-plus years. Your book is so overwhelmingly superior to the many, many books I have devoured over the last three years, including the ones considered to be the "best" on infidelity, and the information you provide is so profoundly on-target and concisely written in a straightforward manner that it is having a dramatic impact on my life and marriage and on my beliefs as formed by and based on the other books. I want to thank you for helping me. So often, those of us with limited resources (money) are the ones who lose the most, because we can't afford the very help we need. You have provided me with something I've needed for a long time. I am so grateful. Your information was HUGELY helpful in helping me to categorize (to a tee!) this "behavior" and of course look to move beyond it... I have been using the Charging Neutral technique even without knowing about it until today. This is not normal for me since I am unemotional from day-to-day, but get emotional when we fight and eventually explode (like the description in Affair #5). Being very, very calm with her at first really scared her (I have never hit/hurt her), but she has opened up tremendously the more I can show that I won't explode. As usual your information is right on the mark. Its uncanny how your stuff seems to reach me just when I am looking for the information. It's marvelous to read. It makes me feel normal again. Regards Yvette Dr. Huizenga, your book has provided me with greater insight, with more understanding, with reassurance of my own value. But it has also presented me with a scary problem: My husband's affair was a very complicated matter, it is not going to be an easy or short road to recovery, and it will not be easy determining which tactics to use and when as I deal with building a new, and hopefully better thanks to you, relationship with my husband. Initially my heart and hopes sank as I discovered just how difficult this "recovery" will be, but it is encouraging to find that my intuitive responses in dealing with my husband and his affair have more often than not been correct. You have also given me many new ideas of ways to "shake up" the way we communicate and relate with each other, something we have needed badly for many years. I have a difficult road ahead, I have to accept that, but you have helped me understand that new territory better than I could have without this book. I can never thank you enough or repay your generosity. Sally Dr. Huizenga: I knew my husband was involved with another woman. His affair lasted two years and has been ended for almost ten months. You have produced the most helpful, useful and relevant book on dealing with your partner's affair that I have ever seen. You include vital information that no other source contains. Your profiles are so accurate it is eery! For me the most valuable part of each chapter is the very specific advice on what YOU can do to increase your chances that your marriage will survive the affair. I felt many times as I read your book that you somehow had been in my head and heart and living my life, your descriptions and profiles are that accurate! Yvonne I just finished reading your e-book How to break free of the affair. I must state this was the best book on relationships I have read thus far. my compliments on your wonderful book. Thank you NR My wife and I have been fighting about 8 months now & she finally moved out about 3 weeks ago I wish I would have gotten you e book sooner. Joe Can't believe reading your ebook that the situations are just like what I'm experiencing. My husband left the house three months ago. Four days before our 25TH Anniversary We celebrated it with a night in NYC Nothing spared. I know he's having an affair & won't admit it. Lately, he's been a great deal better with his attitude. I think the affair has somewhat come to an end. He still needs two weeks to come home. Why??? I made an appointment with a mediator. He flipped today with that. Mary I wanted to Thank you earlier but have been busy with the baby. She is 3 1/2 months old and cutting her first teeth. Finding you has been a God send for me. I hope God blesses you. Thank you for this material and I will read every bit of it and use it in my everyday living. Pam ...very tightly and concisely written, in understandable language and clear suggestions. Thanks! Nancy ...you pose pertinent and sometimes uncomfortable questions I must ask myself to determine my own motives for wanting to save my marriage. But for me the most valuable part of each chapter is your very specific advice on what I can do to increase my chances that our marriage will survive the affair. Yvonne Thanks again for your site because it helps put me back on the path of reality and truth and gives me comfort and hope. May God bless. Carol As one of your members, I just wanted to say thank you for your web site and for all you do to help others get through such a difficult time in their lives. Several months ago I became a member of your "club" and got your e-book "Break Free From The Affair." I am impressed with your book, and it's been helpful. Bob Dear Dr. Huizenga, First and foremost I want to say that you have already helped me tremendously just by reading some of your articles and information on your website and your emails. Of all the websites and books I have read, yours is superior in regard to this subject. I sincerely appreciate all your work to help people like me that are in the situations that we are. John I downloaded your e-book and it helped me cope with what was happening in my life. I must have read it 25 times!!! Thank You, Kathi Already, I have started putting into practice the suggestions from your materials and usually feeling empowered. linda First, I have bought your ebook and have found it fantastic. I'm still trying to identify which type of affair scenario fits my husband. I am after only 6 weeks in surprisingly good "emotional" shape, which in part is due to your book. Karen Dear Bob,I recently purchased your E-book "Break Free From Your Affair" on November 10, 2003. I really depend on this book right now. However, it is gone from my computer. I don't know what happened to it. Please help. I need to refer back to it. Robin The best Christmas present I will get. I will get over all this and figure out what to do going forward. My faith in male/female relationships has been severely damaged but I will work on that. Sue Just a note to wish you a very happy holiday season. I want to thank you for all your help this past year. Your counsel and articles have helped mea more than you will ever know. Whenever I start to get down, I reread year book, especially the part on affair #4. Joe One of the best parts of the book has been examining my motivations and helping me decide to save the marriage or not. I have found out much about myself and identified my fear of living alone. I still struggle with the "I will make it" self message and have some sadness over the loss of the relationship with my wife. Overall I am very glad that I found your website and appreciate the online discussion forum greatly. Marty Your book was very good, in fact one of the best I have read. Linda I look forward to hearing from you and for your ongoing advice, you are an extremely important find for me. There is very little pragmatic literature or advice out there .Sandy Thanks Bob for your encouraging words. I'm taking your advise and feel confident and at peace that I am on the path to reclaiming my integrity. I'm planning on a wonderful New Year! Joan Here are the things I have found good about your site/work so far. 1) It is written with a 360o degree viewpoint - that is to say when you get into it you have thought about all the angles and the implications of the problems an affair brings when disclosed. 2) Linked to this, I bought the E-Book on Sunday and read it in one sitting - I have never thought about affairs (I was too scared too, like most people) and found it absolutely fascinating to think and consider what the propellers (motivates) are and how they may be very different. I thought that the analysis of what type of affair your partner has had was good to think about and it gave me ideas for why my partner has had trouble with other relationships (apparently this is the first time with me in 2.5 years!). But his father also had 2 (that he knows of extramarital affairs) affairs and I think this is 'in his genes' if there is such a thing!? It turns out his father left his first wife when he returned from the navy to find out she had been unfaithful and he walked out immediately on her & 3 smallish kids, left Canada and joined the navy again to sail as far away as possible traveling around the world and finally settling in London where he met my partners mother. 3) It is well written and thought provoking. It's the cost of a therapy session (£34 with my therapist) but you can take it in a lot more and I felt like after the reading of the ebook that I'd gone through a 'session' i.e. I'd thought, learnt and was curious to learn more about myself and responses to the events 4) it makes it clear that the dumpee (the one who has been lied to) and this is perhaps the most helpful thing, can have so much hope. I have to focus on me and recovering with or without my partner. 5) it is easy for me to see my partner (ex!) as being a mix of your types of affairs but that was not bad, I think that it is too complex to make fix categories of it but a helpful guide. But the best questions were the hard ones about why and if one should attempt to save the marriage, but the advice of how to be cool, calm and cheerful is so right but so hard! Thanks so much for the good work Bob! Best G. Thank you so much. Your advice makes a lot of sense, for us to find a way to use the pain of these prank calls to make us stronger. I think my wife & I are making great progress together in our relationship and saving our marriage. I thank you so much for your ebook and your advice in this specific matter. As a person who has felt like my life has been turned upside down during this ordeal, you have provided me much support and "calm" to my situation. Terry I have had a chance to browse through the ebook and spotted our scenario immediately. I will try to follow your advice, it is so nice to know what to do instead if flailing around doing the exact wrong thing! Christine Thank you, I feel like I have an answer now and help. Thank you again. Bless you for helping so many people. I wish I had found your site a year ago and I might not be in this mess. Sincerely, Debra. I learned about the kind of affair I was facing and that it was not my FAULT. I also got practical strategies to get my life going. The most important thing that I learned was that I had to worry about myself first. Another thing that was important was that I discovered that there was an emptiness that my wife was feeling that was caused by something that occurred to her long ago.That no matter what - I am going to make it! The affair is not my fault. She chose to do it, not me! |
Saving Your Marriage and/or Sanity Depends on the Type of Affair
I assume you are like 1,000s of others jolted by the affair, asking these questions: (Substitute the word she for he if you would like.
In 5 minutes I will put on your computer screen the answers, strategies and never-before-published knowledge base you MUST have to:
Don't leave the affair to chance. Don't wait for "time to heal." Don't waste time with simplistic suggestions or vague generalities. Don't act out of desperation. Use my 20 plus years of research, study, experience and therapeutic work with thousands of people to act with purpose and confidence, knowing EXACTLY what you need to do to break free from the affair. Avoid the 2 HUGE Mistakes 95% People Make Most people don't play it smart. They react…usually in one of two ways.
Often they try harder by being really nice - meeting his needs; it's called "working on the marriage." Give him what he always said he wanted and win him back. Doesn't work. You prostitute your integrity…and deep down you know it.. and resent it. As well, you feel like you are competing with the OP (other person.) If he does stop the affair and "comes back" it is out of guilt or pity and what do you really have then?
Doesn't work either. You don't have to become a basket case; it's no fun. And if he does "come back" it's out of coercion. Don't you want to be wanted rather than have him feel like he must be with you because you bullied him? A Step-by-Step Guide that That REALLY WORKS for YOUR SITUATION Would you like a recipe, a step-by-step guide to help you break through the confusion and fear? Would you like to know the right words to say and when to say them so that they have the maximum impact? Do you want to find a way to stay connected, yet not push him away? I have that just for you. My E-book, coming out of my 23 years of therapy private practice, gives you in-depth, proven and practical steps used effectively by hundreds of couples in the midst of marital infidelity. This e-book comes straight from the lives of those who have been there, done that. Real people, like you, trying to break free.
My E-book convinces you that the affair is not your fault. This shift in your thinking is vitally important if you truly want to break free from the affair. The affair is HIS problem. It is THEIR problem. What you did or did not do did not "cause" the affair. He CHOSE that avenue to solve his dilemma. Did you make mistakes? Sure, we all do. Could you have done some things differently? Of course! He could have also! You are NOT defective. No one is a better lover or person than you. Nothing is wrong with you! Please understand. I care for someone who is having an affair because they are trying to find something - like all of us. The problem: their way of finding that something is really misguided. Anyone who chooses to trade one set of problems for a worse set, or really believes that another person can make his life better or "complete" obviously isn't thinking straight. He is either lost in his empty neediness or his life is run by his glands. Choosing an affair is temporary insanity. Affairs have absolutely nothing to do with love - everything to do with personal neediness and the narcissistic need for intense flattery. An affair is NOT the answer. Affairs don't pan out. This is backed by over two decades of professional experience, study and research. Here are the stats:
People are different, right? Well, so are affairs. Affairs are exceedingly complex, but there are patterns that you can identify. What works to break free from one kind of affair will be disaster for another. Are you confused? Not sure what to say? What to do? Afraid that saying one thing might be destructive? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells? Identify specifically what you are up against and you will feel more confident because you know exactly what will work and what will not work. I've identified 7 kinds of affairs marked by the different excuses most commonly used. These types are thoroughly explained in the E-book.
People with different motives have different kinds of affairs. You will learn more about him than he knows about himself. You will understand his personality, how his past influences him, how he typically copes with relationships, his self-defeating patterns and more. It will hit you, "this person has a problem! - and it's not all mine!" (This is not to say you don't have problems, we all do, but they have their origin in you, not someone else or an institution such as marriage.) Once you understand each kind of affair and the kind of person who engages in that kind of affair, it all makes sense.
Do you ever ask yourself why you remain with someone who is so self-destructive and has such little regard for you? Do you assume others are thinking the same thing: "Why in the world doesn't she throw him out?" Here's the question you MUST face FIRST: Do I REALLY want to be (married) in relationship with this person? Don't jump past this one with, "Sure, I love him… even though he's doing this." It usually is a bit more complicated. Do I REALLY want to be married to him? Or do I want to be with him out of my own neediness? Or for other reasons? Here's the underlying problem. If you hold on to the relationship because of your neediness or external factors, the chances of getting what you want are slim. For each kind of affair, I'll have you consider questions you never thought about; questions that MUST be answered if you have any hope of breaking free. You will be much clearer on what you REALLY want. He will know and he will respect that.
As you might guess, the odds of saving your marriage vary according to the kind of affair facing you. I use a scale of 1 - 10 for each kind of affair and the odds are based on the premise that you and he will continue in the same patterns. For example, I give the "My Marriage Made Me Do It" between an 8 and 9 on a scale of 1-10 where 10 means there is no way the marriage can be saved. I give the "I Want to Get Back at Him" affair (the revenge affair) a 3. These are not arbitrary numbers. I give multiple reasons for those odds in the E-book.
Yes, you can see into the future. Affairs are predictable. Once you identify the patterns you can project ahead and know what most likely will happen next. Here are a few examples:
Once you have the knowledge, once you understand the person(s), once you see the patterns, it all makes sense.
Once you see the larger picture and have gathered yourself emotionally, it's time to act. In the E-book I provide an outline of exactly what action you can take for each kind of affair. I put words into your mouth, giving you phrases you can use with your partner that fit exactly your situation. With each kind of affair I list skills that work best with that affair and increase your chances for making significant change. You get 16 skills that you easily learn and apply to the 7 different affairs: (you will only need to learn and apply those skills applicable to the affair facing you. I'll show you the one(s) that will work best for you.) You will learn when and how to send messages, use silence, get to the real commitment, leap your partner, look for upset, contextualize, peel away layers to the truth, and gap the goal, to name a few. Don't Allow this to go on for 2- 4 Years, Most studies indicate that if you go it alone, it takes 2 - 4 years to work through and resolve the affair, whether you stay married or not. Yes, you read that right. But, you want the agony to end today or yesterday, don't you? Well, it won't…and there are no magic wands to make that happen. But, and this is a huge but, it NEED NOT take 2-4 years. Here's what I want you to do: Make a personal commitment to use the next 6 months to learn everything you can about infidelity and the affair facing you. Gather your strength and courage and begin using new skills to stop the affair and develop the kind of life and relationship you REALLY want. Once Your Strategies Work and Your Spouse Retreats From the Affair, You Tackle Saving the MarriageMost Cheating Spouses Know Their Cheating is a Slippery SlopeBelieve me when I say (after working with thousands of infidelity infected couples since 1981) that most (I would guess 80%) of the cheating spouses know deep in their heart that the affair will not last and is not what they REALLY want. Some actually (those that tend to give excessive power to the opposite sex) are looking for a way out... a way to end it without too much egg on their face. The other 20% are often a lost cause - too deeply stuck in their destructive and self defeating personality patterns with little self awareness of their underlying thoughts and feelings and a lack the capacity to objectify their behavior. If you believe your cheating spouse is one of the 80% I've created a program for you and him/her called "Marriage Makeover." "Marriage Makeover" is Unique in that it Expressly Forbids Either to "Work on the Marriage.""Working on" the relationship sounds awful, doesn't it? And it often is. But we are told or it is implied in therapy and from others that relationships need to be worked on. It takes effort that seems to border on drudgery. Here's the story of Bill and Diane. Bill and Diane Were Bone-Tired Weary of "Working on the Marriage"A colleague was having a terrible time with Bill and Diane in marriage therapy. This couple had gone through some very difficult times (Bill had been seeing another woman.) The OP (other person) was legitimately and in all ways out of the picture and they were both committed to "working on the relationship." However, Diane and Bill were having a terribly frightful time making headway. My therapist colleague finally out of desperation referred them to me, hoping I could see them through the impasse. Bill and Diane walked through my door, took a seat and the session began. Both told me they truly wanted a better relationship and were working hard to make it happen. It was sincere. Diane described what she would do when he came home after work, trying to make Bill comfortable, affirmed and welcome. Bill explained how he tried to talk more, be present for her and meet her needs. Bill listed 3-4 ways in which he was trying to make her feel more desirable and loved. Each was hanging on the other's words. In addition to a rather large aura of tension that surrounded them, the Bill and Diane exuded a deep sense of weariness. They were exhausted. Emotionally they were spent. There was little life in each of them and in the relationship. They looked at me as if, "OK, the last therapist tried her bag of tricks to make us better. And we worked diligently on every one of them. What do you suggest we do to make this better?" So, I said, "For one week, from the moment you leave this office to the moment you walk through that door next week, I do NOT want you to work on the relationship. I don't want you to think about your relationship or marriage, or the other person. Just drop it!" Bill and Diane looked a little confused, but out their weariness, implied, "OK." They walked through the door the following week smiling, light, like a breath of fresh clean air sweeping through my office. Diane, especially, thanked me profusely for giving her permission not to "work" on the relationship. They both were given the emotional bandwidth to declare themselves and in that, found an immeasurable sense of relief and freedom. This wider bandwidth paradoxically cemented the relationship and replaced the fear and tension with joy. I saw them for 3-4 more sessions and they were happily on their way. Now, why did this work? This may surprise you, but often, trying to please the other person (meet his/her needs), trying to create intimacy, being romantic, doing things for him/her, constantly aware of his presence (or lack of it) is like globing on the other person, can be a tremendous strain and drain, feels artificial, and eventually spurns frustration and resentment. "Marriage Makeover" forgoes that route and instead gives tools to help each declare him/herself in powerful accurate, authentic ways. "Marriage Makeover" contains an extensive practical 2 year personal foundation program. The program has proven to be a life altering tool for individuals as well as couples. No globing. Instead, the truth: Here I am. This is who I am. Tell me about you, if you choose. This folks, is the path to deep rich intimacy. Oh, one more thing. Get Both of You on the Same PageHave you noticed that in almost ALL relationships one is anxious and ready to get at it - to work on the relationship - and the other holds back, is more reluctant and needs a little coaxing? "Marriage Makeover" in its unique theory and practice, short circuits this tendency. In reality, I designed "Marriage Makeover" specifically for men, who are often pragmatic problem solvers, who disdain the "feelings" and wooo-whooo stuff and who shy from "let's talk about feelings and the relationship. (Sorry, if this stereotype offended, but their is a kernel of truth in it.) "Marriage Makeover:"
As A Madeover Couple:
Marriage Makeover is especially helpful for these types of affairs: 1. I Need to Prove My Desirability - once great listening takes place 2. I Need to Get Back at Him/Her - once the resentment is released 3. I Can't Say No - once bottom is hit 4. I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy - once tension is broken Marriage Makeover is LESS helpful for these types of affairs: 1. My Marriage Made Me Do It - reluctance to assume responsibility for self 2. I Don't Want to Say No - "beneath" him/her, waste of time 3. I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love - no patience for introspection and "heavy" stuff You are Not Alone. The Voices of These 19 Others Will Guide and ComfortI've created 10 Live Taped Coaching Sessions that I want you to have. You may listen to these tapes online or download onto your mp3 player. Others have found them invaluable in guiding them through the initial phases of facing infidelity Hear 19 Others Talk to Me about Obvious-yet-overlooked Secrets that Propel Them From Feeling Hopeless to HopefulHere are just a few of the 19 people you will meet who will show you the way. You will meet:
Do You Feel Like You are Competing with a 29 Year Old Ex-Model Blonde Bombshell?Well, Fiona was...literally. The men in the office drooled over and wanted this 29 year old flirtatious ex-model sexy blond bombshell. Fiona's husband got her. When confronted by Fiona, he was bright enough to chose his marriage with Fiona. Although Fiona described herself as attractive, she confided in me that she felt devastatingly inadequate. (She thought of dying her hair blonde... but no...) How could she ever be enough for him? And, what if another sexy bombshell, blond, brunette or otherwise, crossed his path? She worked furiously trying to pull from him that she, Fiona, WAS enough and this would NEVER happen again. And, of course, she was not satisfied with his response. She felt helpless. She had worked hard at building the marriage, meeting his needs, doing what she believed was vital for a good marital foundation and he STILL fooled around. What was wrong with this picture? Shaky and unsure of herself, what if she out of her pain and desperation pushed... and he bolted? I made a powerful and key statement that shook Fiona. It was the beginning of her turn-around. It opened a new world. She began to see new possibilities to regain confidence and to create true intimacy in her marriage. We spent the last 5 minutes of the session crafting ways she could use this new found strategy. Here are some comments from those who resonated with Fiona:
Discover Tremendous Relief Once You Stop Paddling so Hard (Sue will let you know how she did it)Over the past 2 plus decades I've worked with thousands of people fighting with infidelity. And, yes, I mean fighting. I mean struggling. I mean going through agony. I mean non-stop worry. I mean the wheels are turning day and night, trying to find a way through this mess. It's like you are thrown into a raging river or stream. You believe you must paddle up that stream to find what you want. And so you grab the oars and you paddle. How can I get him/her to stop the affair? You paddle feverishly. What is s/he doing? Where is s/he? You paddle harder. Where did this go wrong? Keep on paddling. How can I meet his/her needs so s/he reciprocates? Paddle. Paddle. I'll keep confronting him/her. Paddle. Splash Splash You use every ounce of strength to keep moving - upstream. Your soul aches near exhaustion, you feel your heart pounding, never seeing the end, never finding the relief and hope you really want. Consistently feeling disappointment. Fried with frustration. But, you keep paddling, trying to persuade, trying to find the magic formula that will get him/her to turn around, that will change your situation. Your boat goes nowhere. You want to collapse into powerless exhaustion. And, yet that's all you know. Will the pain and constant effort to overcome that pain end? Yes, it will. My Session with Sue is a Classic. If you want to hear within 15 minutes the process of going from emotional spentness to letting go of the oars and then experience a PROFOUND sense of OKness and peace listen to this tape.My session with Sue is a classic. If you want to hear within 15 minutes the process of going from emotional spentness, to letting go of the oars and then experiencing a PROFOUND sense of OKness and peace, listen to this tape.This session is priceless! It takes courage to face the crud. You hear Sue and her experience of hitting the wall - the 3 week crying jag. These tears were different than the tears/pain felt upon discovery of the affair. They had a different flavor and different purpose. She knew she could not run away from these tears. If she did, they would only appear later, perhaps in more powerful destructive forms.
Sue addresses these questions in the tape. Also, as you listen, hear her insightful comments about her desire to yell and scream, make knee-jerk decisions and take action she might regret. (This has great application, in all affairs except perhaps #2: "I Don't Want to Say No.") See Break Free From the Affair for the characteristics of the 7 kinds of affairs. If you listen closely you will hear four powerful strategies that Sue used and you can intentionally use as well to break through and break free. Rather than summarizing them here, I want you to hear Sue describe them. You will enjoy her words, her wisdom and how she conveys their power. Sue talks about the importance of waiting and the stages of waiting. Three periods of waiting: 1. Waiting for her crazy husband to change. (waste of time, but perhaps the first phase or stage of coping with infidelity) 2. Waiting for herself to be comfortable with her before she acted. (Now this is a challenge, but well worth the struggle) 3. Waiting for the process to complete. (Sue is now waiting to see what growth and decisions her husband will make. She has a timeline of a few weeks [not months or years] to wait. If he continues down a path with the OP she will file for divorce. However, she is confident he is growing toward her and the marriage. Recent conversations and his changing behavior indicate so.) Sue can now wait with confidence, purpose and calmness after breaking through the wall of pain. Do you want to predict your future? Sue's future, her capacity to move gracefully (well, I'm not sure she thought it was graceful all the time) and intentionally through the infidelity process can be yours. You can learn more from her than you could by reading all the books written on infidelity. The session with Sue was a gift, for her, for me and can be for you! Clear the Cobwebs, Get a Clear Picture, See the Issues Rather than Feel Them Here's a very common dilemma. It's John's dilemma from another taped session. John is in the midst of the decision making process:
John describes his wife as embroiled in a consistent and rigid pattern of behavior. She continued to disregard him, project blame onto him, experience difficulty nurturing her children and continue her affair. There appeared to be little remorse. Little self-awareness. Little effort to work toward resolution. She was locked tightly into destructive patterns. Her episodes of destructive behavior were also frequent and ongoing. She would shift radically between anger/rage and depression. She moved ahead full speed without much thought for the consequences of her actions. As well, John describes aspects of distorted thinking which were deeply engrained. She, in essence, was living in her own perilous world. His wife exhibits persistent, locked-in, terribly destructive behaviors. She's heavily involved in a combination of "I Need to Prove My Desirability" and "My Marriage Made Me Do It" affairs. John's friends and family are telling him to cut his losses and file. And yet, John hangs on. It is terribly difficult to let go, isn't it? Hear John talk about his decision making process and getting at the eventual criteria which will decide whether he will stay or go. If you are in a similar situation, you truly are not alone. Here are just a few comments from those who listened to the tape with John and me:
Victim No Longer! Squirming No More! It's D-Day (day of discovery) and you feel overwhelmingly betrayed and victimized. You feel robbed, violated, discounted and thrown away. Ugh! You cast your power onto him/her. Your gaze is incessantly on him/her:
You reach out for affirmation, for input, for SOMETHING from him/her. You squirm! The power of these tapes will enable you to do what I call "charge neutral." When you do that s/he wonders what in the world you are up to. S/he will begin to squirm! You reclaim your dignity and power. You begin the path to creating a new relationship and a new you. You will never go back. You will NEVER want to go back. You have a smorgasbord of topics, some of which will apply DIRECTLY to your situation. Other sessions will inspire and uplift you. Your heart will go out to the voice you hear. You will feel a connection. These courageous people, willing to share their painful journey, will become your friends. You truly will take their voices with you. And, oh yes, you will learn from me! You will learn how to see beyond the obvious. You will learn how to peel off the layers until the truth is discovered and life-changing action becomes predictably successful. You will feel soothed as you hear my voice. And, yes, you can take my voice with you as well. Here's what others are saying about the Audio Sessions:
But there's More than the Taped Coaching Sessions... Yes, in addition to the 19 taped sessions, you receive an introduction and review of each session to print. The introduction is as it seems; it sets the background for the tape, giving you a summary of the circumstances for that person. You will know something about the featured person before you hear the tape. The Reviews Offer Two Great Perspectives. First, I break down the session for you. I may outline the underlying dynamics of that session. I may chart a course for future action. I may talk about the session in terms of the 7 kinds of affairs. I evaluate what I said, what I maybe missed or where we could have gone. You will know what I think, what goes through my mind after a session. Second, you will get reviews for each tape from people just like you, those who are in the midst of coping with infidelity. You will discover what advice others would give to the person in the tape and what benefit each person received from hearing the tape. You will enter a new world. You will feel surrounded by like-minded, similarly struggling folk, who care about you and are willing to share part of their story and insight. You will learn from them. Here's what you get in 19 Live Infidelity Coaching Sessions You receive over 5 hours of recorded sessions. Each taped sessions runs from 15-20 minutes, enough to hear the story, pinpoint a couple key issues and patterns and move toward some resolution. The 19 tapes:
You may download a pdf file which gives a summary, peer review and my review for each session. These reviews vary according to the interest for each tape. For, example, some of the more prevalent concerns (competing with the op, getting him/her to talk) may have up to 30 responses. You are able to listen to the sessions online if you desire. Buttons with pause, forward and reverse take you where ever you want to go in the session. The Power of Taking These Voices with You Do memories, images and thoughts about him/her constantly intrude and zap your energy? Does your mind drift, or you discover you are staring into space? If so, I highly recommend you download the sessions onto a cd or mp3 player. (If you don't know how to do that, don't worry. I give explicit instructions. I tell you how I do it, and I'm no techie. It's a piece of cake. Really.) Take the audios with you! Go for a walk listening to the sessions. Listen in your car. Take them wherever you go for one solid week. Immerse yourself in the tapes and notice how your feelings change to relief, optimism and hope. Hands On Practical, Ground-Breaking, Solid Information I also want you to be part of my Infidelity Insider. Please know I was the first one to write an ebook on infidelity, going way back to 2002. And, since that time I've also written numerous articles, compiled mini-ebooks and free reports. The Infidelity Insider collects in one place some of my first (and sometimes best) resources. It's also a place where I archive my Newsletters. Infidelity Insider includes these resources and opportunities:
And Also...
Here's a Summary of What I Want you to Have:
Find Relief! Pinpoint the Type of Affair so the Healing Can Begin... Now! I'm offering to you, almost literally, my life. Since 1981 I've worked with hundreds of couples and thousands of individuals struggling with broken marriages, facing the agony of infidelity. In 2002 I was the first to write an ebook specifically on infidelity and publish it online. And, it was wildly successful. I've sold thousands of copies. I say this not out of arrogance but for you to know that I've devoted a great share of my life to this task. And, out of years of study, research, and thousands of hours of clinical practice, others have affirmed my premises and materials as helpful. Some have found them life-saving and tremendously life-altering. (Please read a few of the testimonials on the left. I have collected hundreds more since 2002 and continue to collect dozens each month.) My material is all mine. I write it. I publish it. It truly is a labor of love. And, you know what keeps me going? It's the fact that each day I receive emails from those who find my material not merely helpful, but inspirational. Do you know how it feels to read such emails? Grateful yes, but more than that, I want to bust my butt so even more can find a straight path through the agony of adultery. I want you to have these materials. I am confident they will be helpful and highly optimistic that your life and relationships from this day forward will be richer and more personally satisfying because of what you read and implement from me. I say this because I KNOW! Get Started Now... Here's the bad news - for most people. Most people when they face infidelity don't have a clue what they're up against. They take all the myths and romantized view of infidelity along in their heads and hearts, hope and pray that their cheating spouse will see the way, either flail around or cave in, or hope that time will heal. (Time doesn't heal, it only represses.) For those unfortunate folks, it may take 2-4 years to wind their way through the agony of infidelity and it always remains with them in one form or another. You Don't Have to Do That! You CAN find relief. You CAN find solid purposeful direction. The healing can begin NOW! Actually it can begin in the next 5 minutes. And, you don't have to slog through the pain, fear and confusion for the next 2-4 years. You can greatly accelerate the process. But, also know, that there is no magic want that will transform this nightmare in the next 5 minutes, or next 5 days or probably for the next 5 months. It is important for you to first feel relief and then begin analyzing the specific type of affair you face, so you can emotionally distance yourself from your own feelings of fear and uncertainty. you then begin employing specific well-thought-through tactics or skills that stand the best chance of altering the affair. You see, I've worked with infidelity plagued couples for a long time (private practice for over 2 decades as a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) and have come created my own 3 Pronged Program that will provide relief (in many cases almost immediately) and help you devise a plan to address the infidelity. I assume you are ready... Prong One: I want you to have my ground-breaking E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." "Break Free From the Affair" is your starting point. "Break Free From the Affair" is a proven foundation that will:
Spend thirty days with Break Free From the Affair. Begin experimenting with specific tactics (start out slow... easy.. perhaps, depending on the type of affair) and note the response. As well, I will send you other timely resources and tips to help you keep on the breaking free path. Prong Two: I will send you the Audio Tapes listed above as well as a access to the Infidelity Insider. The second thirty days is a time to expand your knowledge and become more precise in what you say, do and think. You want to have a wide range of words, phrase, and actions that will shake his/her world. Most people keep using the same words, same tactics (ever feel like you are going in circles) and get absolutely nowhere. The Tape Series and Infidelity Insider will expand your world about infidelity and will continue to open your eyes. You will become a different person (and s/he will notice.) Prong Three: You will receive "Marriage Makeover." During the third thirty days you will have a much better idea of where the affair is headed and where your marriage is headed. Your focus will shift from gathering knowledge, feeling better and experimenting with tentative interventions to the marriage. Will you stay or will you go? In the large majority of the cases, at the sixty day period there is an attempt to address the marriage relationship. "Marriage Makeover" provides the catalyst for both to look at the marriage. And, if the cheating partner is absent or refuses, the Personal Foundation Program in the Marriage Makeover can be used to powerfully transform your life, preparing you for WHATEVER lies ahead. I want to be part of your life. I want to provide the guidance and support you need to navigate the turbulent waters. Start Now for Only $49.95 When you click on the purchase button below, you will be taken to our secure order page. Your order is kept completely confidential - only the processing company and your credit card company access the information. Your order is processed immediately, and you'll get a receipt for your purchase with a transaction number and a link to where you can access the information right away. You'll be reading your book in less than 3 minutes. Order Now and Get These BONUS GIFTS!!
100% Money Back Guarantee…
Click the "Click Here to Order Now " link below... it's as simple as that. You'll be taken to a secure order form handled by www.ClickBank.com. Clickbank sells the Break Free Three Prong Program - they are a trusted online retailer specializing in digitally delivered products. They only use the most effective security and anti-fraud measures available. Once your order has been processed, you'll be sent to a web page where you can download "Break Free From the Affair" and the bonus material immediately. Thirty days from now you will receive via email, access to the Video Tape Coaching Series and access to the Infidelity Insider. Clickbank will bill you $49.95 for that extensive information. Sixty days from now you will receive "Marriage Makeover" and be billed the small fee of $49.95 by Clickbank. Also know that you will receive various emails from me with tips, resource, other free download, new products I'm producing and other opportunities. I want to be a significant part of your life in the next 90 formative days. Don't wait. Start breaking free right now! You can do it!
I look forward to hearing from you today. Dr. Robert Huizenga, LMFT, CSW PS - There is hope, even though you may feel the confusion, overwhelm and helplessness. Don't give up. You CAN see your way through this crisis. I know. I hear people talk about it every day. Please take my word for it. Your life can be better. Decide right now to take some action, please - whether it's buying my book or doing something different. PSS - We are here to assist you. Set up a time right now to talk to someone. Click here to set it up. Affiliates | Home | Coaching | Privacy Dr. Bob Huzenga - The Infidelity Coach |
Dr. Robert Huizenga
Get through this faster! Gain confidence. Clear the fog of confusion and diminish the pain.
They try harder...to tolerate. They swallow….hard. They wimp out and put up with all kinds of crap. (Sorry about the language, but I assume you have thought worse.) They hope time will cure and he will come to his senses. ![](/Images/finger001.gif"){kind=small}
Crazy Behavior Addresses Craziness - audio with John
