What do you make of your cheating spouse having an affair with a drama queen?
Dr. Huizenga coaches Amanda on what to make of the fact that her cheating husband is having an affair with a drama queen. The issue of the intimacy-distance continuum is explored as a way to explain the process. Dr. Huizenga gives Amanda phrases she can use to address her cheating husband. He also point out that this process is common in Affair #7: I want to be close to someone…but can’t stand intimacy.
Why is he with a Drama Queen, and What’s Left for Amanda?
In this Featured article you will learn:
- about the distance/intimacy dance of “I want to be close to someone but can’t stand intimacy”
- how you can feel great sharing your wisdom and help others through infidelity
- how you can be one of the first 50 who will receive a special invitation to receive a new tape series produced by Dr. Huizenga that will prove hugely invaluable in breaking free from the affair
First, here’s a coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Amanda:
Amanda describes portions of affair #7:”I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy.
Please note there are elements of “My Marriage Made me Do It” but, for now, we will focus on affair #7.
The major problem or roadblock for Amanda, who wants to save her marriage, is the fact that her husband seems to be well entrenched with the other person and tells Amanda directly that he wants a divorce. 6 months ago Amanda probably would have a better chance of turning things around.
Another consideration is age. Amanda is 35, her husband 30 and the OP 20. Affair #7, “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy,” usually rears it’s head later in a marriage. The “distance/intimacy dance” as I call it in Break Free From the Affair usually has a long and persistent history in a marriage.
In a “younger” marriage or relationship, disintegration often seems to be more rapid once it starts. Perhaps the memories or sense of investment haven’t taken root as firmly. Whatever the reason, transition and change appear to occur more rapidly.
Some observations of the coaching session with Amanda:
1. Amanda describes a common complaint of Affair #7. ” We never fought or argued. I thought we had a good thing going.” But, at the same time, she felt stuck, as if there was a wall the two of them could never get over, around or work their way through. Stagnation. Or, there were some emotionally laden issues that were not laid on the table, examined, laughed at, cried about or faced squarely. Her husband, stuck behind that wall, chose an affair to handle the wall and his pain.
2. Amanda tried everything she could think to directly address the problem. She used guilt. She pleaded. She used her anger. She used logic and reason. She intented for him to see the error of his ways and the good thing the two of them had in the marriage.
Of course, this exacerbated the distance/intimacy dance. The more she pushed, the further away he backed – until finally he decided for divorce. He lacked the skills, insight or maturity to respond to her in a way that would be helpful for her and him.
3. Amanda described ways in which the tension in their marriage was allegedly managed. Her husband chose to be with a “drama queen.” She, the drama queen, could be the focus of his energy and attention. His thoughts could focus on pleasing her and managing her tension. I would assume he felt more “success” there, since he was solidly stuck in stagnant tension with Amanda.
Amanda describes a fairly immature and lost person as a husband. Unable to define himself, create a path and stick to it and assume responsibility for self and family, he chose a path of regression. Going “back” to a 20 year old is just a notch above adolescence – perhaps.
So he chose to move backward. Amanda tried to reign him in and keep on course. But, that obviously was not working.
4. Amanda describes a marriage near it’s end, breathing its last breath. The main point of contact, other than when she would call, which proved to have negligible impact, was the legal system. I suggested to Amanda that she intentionally use that point for some last ditch interventions.
It was too late and would take too much time for “leaping” him, a tactic I describe for Affair #7 in Break Free From the Affair.
Remember Amanda said they never fought or argued – a common characteristic of “I want to be close to someone, but can’t stand intimacy.”
I suggested, in my own words, that Amanda “look for the upset,” another tactic that can be used for this kind of affair. And, the upset would come in the context of the legal system. Divorce is expensive financially and emotionally. The process stirs powerful emotions that are hard to put away. I suggested Amanda welcome those upsets and if need be, generate them on her own by taking very firm stands on custody and other settlement issues.
5. While taking a firm stand and observing his emotional responses, I suggested she make comments about the situation, as he was experiencing anger/frustration, while she intentionally practiced “charging neutral.”
This would be one of her final efforts as a married partner and it would prepare her for her own personal growth, whether she would be with him, alone, or with someone else in the future.
The full tape is on my site.
I want you to take 15 minutes to listen to the tape. Will you do that? Please!
Once you listen to the tape, I will give you a link that sends you to a simple form where you can leave your comments. These comments are IMPORTANT. You know what it’s like. I can learn from you. Others can learn from you. (I’m totally convinced that learning from others coping with infidelity is THE most powerful way to learn – along with guided help from professionals.)
Once you leave your comment, you will be automatically included in a group that will get first chance to receive one of only 50 produced copies of Break Free From the Affair – 19 LIVE Laser Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga. This 6 CD packet with workbook offers emotional relief and gives you clarity to pinpoint the break free strategies that work best for YOU.
You Don’t Have to Go it Alone
You don’t have to go this alone. Going it alone increases your tendency to believe there is something wrong with you. You need the input of others in your situation to help you stick with the belief “Maybe I and my responses are normal!”
We set up a new chat room for you to get support and encouragement from others and to learn from others. I sincerely hope you will try it out.
Go there. Look it over. Don’t feel compelled to participate, if you are not ready. If so inclined, welcome others who enter the room.
The chat room is new. I’m testing it. It offers private rooms and instant messages, which are optional. You need to register to enter. I provide this to discourage hackers and undesirable souls! You privacy is solidly protected. You can divulge what you wish about your situation or self.
To ensure that a significant number of people are in the chat room at a given time, we set up a schedule whereby volunteer moderators will be present to welcome people and keep the room rolling.