Marriage’s 6 Most Vulnerable Points for Infidelity
There are times in the life of a marriage whereby that marriage is at risk for infidelity. Particular circumstances and developmental factors in the life of that marriage increase the possibility for infidelity and an extramarital affair.
www.saveamarriageforever.com
www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Infidelity doesn’t just happen. Infidelity and extramarital affairs are more likely to occur at particular phases or points in time in the development and evolution of the marriage. There are tendencies and patterns or crunch points in the marriage that leave a marriage most susceptible to incubating a cheating husband or cheating wife.
In more than 25 years as a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in marital infidelity, I’ve observed distinct moments in time whereby a spouse wanders. These points in a marriage converge with a number of other personal factors, mostly related to the intensity and character of one’s personal need system, perception of self and one’s history and coping patterns related to psychosexual development. These factors enable me to predict the possibility of infidelity or an extramarital affair.
Awareness of the these points in time in a marriage may help a couple address the underlying issues and short-circuit the act of infidelity or recover from it more quickly.
1. “I Don’t Want to (Don’t Know How) to Grow Up.
Soon after a couple marries (I’m referring to a younger couple, first marriage) the issue of personal freedom emerges.
The romantic feelings fade along with the excitement of creating a new household.
The sense of responsibility and challenges of “adulthood” take on reality.
Some enjoy the challenge and opportunity.
Others, (my experience tells me it’s mainly men) begin to feel constrained and “trapped.” They report a loss of freedom. They find it difficult to put their desires on hold and negotiate with another for their needs. They balk at assuming responsibility for the new tasks demanded in managing a new lifestyle.
Underneath their disquiet is a reluctance to leave their perceived personal freedom of the single life and to embrace the adult world.
Closely related to this time period for many young couples is the birth of the first child. This usually is a joyful time, but soon after the birth, the reality of caring for a new life and the natural change in the family dynamics (3 in the family is MUCH different than 2) become problematic.
The husband frequently resents the loss of attention and affection and may withdraw (into an affair.) Or, the wife may feel overwhelmed or terribly uncomfortable with the “mothering role” and withdraw as well.
2. The oldest child reaches early adolescence.
This is a particularly difficult time for the family.
The dynamics in the family are significantly altered.
The early adolescent son begins to push mother away and wants do do battle with father. It is crucial that mother and father be aware of the resulting tension and the two, needing to be aligned, find ways to deal with the tension and parent the bourgeoning young man.
The adolescent daughter will begin to distance from father and will look to mother for guidance and modeling. Father may feel displaced, unneeded or unwanted.
There are two factors at this time in the marriage that make the marriage ripe for infidelity.
First, one may attempt to solve the issue of growing distance or tension with the spouse by triangling in a third party (another person.)
Or, the emerging psychosexual development of their early adolescent child will serve a trigger, reminding a parent of his/her psychosexual development.
If there is “unfinished business” for the parent, or that part of his/her life was traumatic or undeveloped, the parent may attempt to cope with the internal tension by having an affair.
3. Mid life Crisis
Here’s my take on a mid life crisis.
In our 20s and early 30s we think we have the answers. We KNOW what it’s going to take to be successful, however we define that. And, we continue to use the coping patterns we think serve us well.
If we were an achiever, we focus on achievement.
If we knew how to get our needs met from people, we focus on others as our source for success.
If we seemed to find comfort and solace in creativity and our imagination, we major in that part of us.
As well, we have preconceived ideas of what it will feel like and be like, once we reach that success. We have a dream.
For 15-20 years we give it our all.
And, we wake up one day and discover we are not there. Our dreams seem a long way away. We thought achievement would do it, be we seem to fall short. We thought we could “work” people to get what we want but others fail to be cooperative. We valued imagination and creativity but it becomes our prison.
We then, look for something else or try to find something else to replace our disappointment and emptiness – an affair perhaps.
4. The empty nest.
Raising children demands time, energy and effort. Parents frequently focus on the raising of children to the exclusion of their marriage.
One day, the children are gone and husband and wife stare at each other across the breakfast table, wondering, “Who are you?”
The thought of moving closer of developing a greater intimacy seems frightening, almost terrifying. An affair at the point may provide the pseudo-intimacy and serve as a buffer from developing the next stage of intimacy in the marriage.
5. Moments of mortality.
We age and in our 50s it’s not uncommon to suddenly be faced with our mortality. We will die! It seems a much closer reality.
A wave of sadness bordering on panic envelops as we focus more intently on our virility and our sagging attractiveness. This is our LAST chance to have it, get it, find it… that which we think we missed along the way.
To escape the inevitability of our physical and mental demise and to ferret out what then is left, we throw ourselves into another relationship, hopefully closing the door on our fears and dread.
6. The Tarnished Years.
It’s supposed to be the “Golden Years,” correct? The time when we retire, the time when we can play, volunteer, give and enjoy the years we have left.
For many, it’s the tarnished years rather than the golden years.
Retirement means an end, an end to roles and structure that kept life together, that kept one functioning, providing, and contributing.
With the external roles and functions removed, a vacuum emerges. And, in this vacuum may emerge new values, standard, goals and dreams. Or, one out of fear or dread of the vacuum may choose an affair or infidelity.
This last phase may seem a little far fetched, but my practice over the past 5 years has encountered those in their early retirement years struggling with infidelity.
Awareness of these crucial times in a marriage and attention to the potential crisis in each can help a couple manage the phase much better and hopefully lessen the chances of marital infidelity.
As well, an awareness of the different points of time in a marriage will help a person encountering infidelity in the marriage “normalize” the event and assume less personal responsibility for it, there fore, accelerating the healing process.
Smaller is Sometimes Better
One of the keys to surviving infidelity with dignity and effectiveness is to focus smaller.
Allow me to explain.
Most, when they first encounter an unfaithful spouse, are thrown into an emotional pit of fear and intense pain. They want to extricate themselves from the pain – NOW! They want the affair or infidelity to end – NOW!
And so they focus on getting over the pain – NOW! And they focus on the affair ending – NOW!
When the pain doesn’t go away as they would like or when the affair doesn’t stop as they would like, a new layer of pain and fear is automatically added onto their existing pain and fear. The panic increases. The sense of victimization becomes more powerful. This becomes their emotional trap which continues to suck them into the mire of their pain.
The pain WILL NOT END NOW. And most affairs do not end NOW, or if they do it, takes months of intentional focus to rebuild the trust.
Reality: it takes 2-4 years (for those who don’t see help) to break free from the affair – much less for those who seek out new knowledge and affair strategies.
So, don’t hurry. It will only exacerbate your plight.
Instead, think small. Focus small.
Here are some examples:
Rate your pain on a scale of 1-10 at different times of the day or in different situations. Note the changes in your feelings. Think about what made your feelings worse? What made them feel… a little…better?
Notice how much better you will feel when you do that – which begins adding a new layer of better feelings.
Notice the mental images that disturb you. Again, rate on a scale of 1-10 the level of disturbance you feel. Over the course of the week notice the small changes or shifts in the level of disturbance. Or, notice how frequently those images disturb you. Begin to notice when their frequency decreases (say… from almost every minute to 3-4 times per hour.)
Or, if you focus on your cheating spouse, what s/he is doing or not doing, begin to break down his/her behavior.
Do you notice a change in his/her body language? Do you notice a shift in the words s/he uses? Do you notice a change in frequency of when s/he talks to you, or the length of the conversation? Does s/he disclose more to you? How much more?
Pay close attention to the small details.
Here’s what will happen that will help you survive this marital crisis better and bring closure in one form or another more quickly and effectively:
1. You will feel increasing measures for relief from your pain and fear.
2. You will feel more of your personal power. And you will need your personal power to influence the course of the affair and your own decision making process.
3. Closely followed to this – you will be much less reactive. Reactivity is not pretty. Reactivity is acting out of your sense of victimization and helplessness. Reactivity will push your spouse (and others) away. In addition, reactivity is not who you want to be and when you are not who you truly are, you suffer.
4. As you think small and become more observant you are much more likely to “charge neutral” (a powerful skill and attitude I teach that accelerates healing.)
5. You will be better able to plan new strategies, use those strategies and evaluate those strategies, depending on the type of affair facing you. This is your ultimate power in surviving infidelity.
Surviving infidelity is no easy task.
But, by focusing small and keeping your focus there, you get on the healing and recovery track and stay there.
O.K, now let’s help each other. Let’s put a little flesh on this skeleton of healing and change.
Think about the small changes you have experienced or are experiencing that move you to healing and change. Try to describe the change(s). Then think about the changes or shifts your spouse makes.
