Feature Article
What is Your Turning Point?

Feature Article
What is Your Turning Point?

Most of us wait for that day, that month, that hour and hopefully not that year when things begin to change when we encounter infidelity.

We long for the shift, the turning point, something different that will move us away from the pain, confusion, distance, alienation and agony of the affair.

And, it often does come. How it will come for you depends on a number of factors, but as I say at the end of my videos, "This too shall pass!"

To put flesh on this, I asked some of you when the turning point took place for you? When did you notice the shift and how did it occur.

Here are some of your responses:

It took me a long time about a year, to decide to finally order your book about the different kinds of affairs. I hung on to my failing marriage of 28 years for 3 years, hoping to change things.When I finally broke down and got your book, I saw exactly what kind of affair he was having, and I knew then that it was hopeless. I’m glad I took the time to get the book because it helped me decide what to do. I became more accepting of that fact that my marriage was over and was able to progress to the end point without too many illusions at that point. Of course it was hard, and painful, but your book helped me handle a lot of it. And I still read your articles even though I am wayyy past that stage because you never really get over these things — you always need to be reassured that you made the right decision in the long run. And as time passes, I know I did. People out there, don’t try to go on alone. Get Help!!! Reach out and ASK for help — you need it and books, chatrooms, etc will help you get through this misery. And, as soon as you are able, look for SOMEONE ELSE. There are a LOT of good, caring people of the opposite sex out there who are desperately lonely and need someone just like you do. He/she is not the only person left in the world! Go ahead, take a chance and try someone else. It will help more than you think.

Your articles and advice have helped me tremendously, especially with self-esteem and realizing that I can trust my intuition. Many times when suspicions can’t be proved, one will wonder if they are just crazy/ imagining things. When you know the signs and they are all there, it confirms that you are on track; that you can trust yourself. That is a huge thing, to feel sure of yourself.

Your books, articles and e-mails were an anchor for me. I literally thought I was losing my mind when I found out my husband was cheating on me with his secretary. You even had the kindness to call me when I messed up the order for your book and was to inept to figure out on-line literature. I still find myself wondering if he was worth fighting for. I still become very angry. But in a I have moved forward in a large way. I have been accepted at the University of Kentucky’s nursing doctorate program. I am trying to find a job in Lexington, and if the marriage fails I’m not worried.

I knew in my heart that there was something wrong. He had stopped being affectionate, we only had sex if I initiated it, & all that time he spent on the internet. Not to mention the business trips that were starting to incorporate weekends, and a new fitness program. Then one morning while he was out running, without rhyme or reason, I picked up his mobile phone & there were the text messages – I love you, I miss you, Lets meet for a holiday. None of them were from or to me. I felt my heart break, physically & emotionally. When he came back from his run, I confronted him. Who is OP and why are you going on holidays with her? I can’t remember the exact words that followed, but I do remember two phrases that cut to the bone – I love her; I don’t desire you any more. Just like that. Very matter of fact. No remorse. He showered and went to work as if it was just another day. Over the course of the next few weeks, I did everything I thought would fix things. I said, I love you, too much. I worked on the marriage. I organized counseling. I cried in front of him & poured my heart out to him. I was like a woman possessed, doing whatever I thought was right to go back to the way things were. But of course, it was all wrong. Then I found Break Free from the Affair. It was exactly what I needed, giving me focus and the tools to get my life back on track. I read it and reread it, taking copious amounts of notes. Although the affair didn’t fit exactly into any particular type outlined in Break Free, the advice on what to say and how to act, especially charging neutral, were invaluable. Three and a half years on, I still refer to it whenever I need to get focused, especially the sections on building self esteem, creating strategies, concentrating on me, the 7 Powerful Tactics, and the 12 Unattractive, Ugly, Typical Tactics. .It took more than two years before I saw real changes in him and started to get glimpses of the man I fell in love with.

Dr. Huizenga, Please know how much both you ebook and your newsletter have helped me. I found out about my husband’s infidelity over three years ago now and was stunned. I’d been married for 24 years and thought I had not just a good marriage, but a "great" marriage. I got on the internet and just accidentally stumbled into your ebook before I even had a chance to confront my husband. My counselor later told me that I had handled confronting him very well and it was all due to your book. I was able to calmly get him to admit that there had been numerous affairs/flings/one-night stands. He’d been getting on one of the internet adult sites for people to hookup for anonymous sex! Using your book, I identified his type as a "doesn’t want to say no" and began to realize the enormity of what I was up against. Since that time, he’s admitted he has an impulse control problem and has tried (or so he’s told me) to control it.

Your "ebook," "Break Free From the Affair," was and is extremely helpful to me. I found your "affair types" very helpful. Your book helped me to "unscramble" and make sense out of a lot of the odd, confusing and crazy behavior exhibited by my husband. My husband seems to fall into the "can’t say no" (and also "won’t say no") category. Your descriptions were so clear and revealing it was as if you "knew" my husband. I found your insights into the "offended" spouse/wife–me to be very supportive, insightful and helpful and practical. I particularly found helpful your advice for me to not pursue my spouse–at first that was hard for me but your advice made sense to me, saved my dignity and had an interesting effect. Your other helpful advice "to get a life" was also tremendous (and also difficult at first). Your "Problemize" advice and to remain calm and use a controlled voice was at least effective in not recycling old go-nowhere arguments and humiliating, desperate"pleas" from me. And actually "gave me the upper hand" because his reaction was for him to "lose it" while I remained the in-control "adult". I now realize how much of his sad behavior is not something he does to me or because of me, but because HE has a problem. He is also not able to "fool" me with some of his tactics to try to get me back in line. I’ve pretty much "got his number" thanks to your information and insights. It was very, very tough when I first realized the extent of his dual, hidden life. I felt traumatized, and felt as if someone in my life had died–and in a sense he sadly did or I had to realize he really never was. Anyway, I would say after about almost a year of grief, I started to pull myself up. When I felt down I would refer to your book like a good friend for advice and support and clarity. I am now working on me trying to make more of a life with my own interests like taking classes to prepare for returning back to work, have taken up golf and have expanded my social life (before I barely had any, everything was revolving around my husband), It isn’t always easy. And his behavior is very engrained and he doesn’t seem to want to or be capable of change. But I’ve come to realize I can’t change him, but I can change me. As your book pointed out, as I began to get a life of my own so to speak, my husband tried to undermine me and try to get me "back in line" (yes, I’m still with him–we have a daughter), but I’m not so easily fooled by his behavior after reading the description of the behavior of a "can’t say no" and I am staying my course. And, when I see him acting weird (which I have learned is usually when he is acting out), I just pull out your ebook and re-read your Key Points and "What can I expect will happen?" to remind myself what I am dealing with and that it is not me who is imagining things and that he has the problem. And all the more reason to stay my course and prepare for a future with or without him. At times it is very difficult with him. As your book says, some of your "strategies" are least effective with philanderers and addictive behaviors, but nevertheless they have helped ME. I am not so easily manipulated by him. I am not as predictable and controllable. And I noticed that when I moved away from him and worked on me, as you predicted in your book, he moved closer. Only thing is, now sometimes I don’t even want him to move closer–and for me that is a good thing because he isn’t changing. I could go on more… My marriage may not be saved but at least I will be saved because he is not my main or only focus anymore–and I don’t personalize his behavior anymore–I feel set free.