Infidelity: How do you Get At the Truth?

The need to know the details and activities of the cheating husband or cheating wife is often initially strong when one discovers infidelity or an affair in the marriage or relationship. This newsletter discusses the nature of spying and the need to find the truth.

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Frequently I find those in my coaching, who recently discovered the infidelity, engaged in some sort of spying. The need to know at that stage of infidelity can be powerful!

Often, the cheating spouse denies, dismisses or throws a tantrum when confronted with the possibility of infidelity. However, one’s inner compass points in the direction of an affair.

And then…

It’s almost impossible for some to stop self from checking the cell phone records, logging into the cell phone when s/he’s in the shower, checking the gps tool on the car or whatever one does to get at the truth.

So, this issue is devoted to the topic of the need to know and getting at the truth.

I have two goals for this issue.

First, if you are engaged in spying or have used spying tactics and techniques, be they gps devices, phone records or other, I want to hear your story. I want to know what worked for you. What didn’t work. Would you do it again? nd give your input and recommendations.

Second, I’m presenting an article below on the need to know.

So, If you would, please give some input on spying by going to this survey.

After the survey, I give directions to download the “Needless Program” a powerful program to help you identify and get your personal needs met once and for all… so you can move on and truly get a life! (Your spouse may find this helpful as well!)

Here’s the article:

Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is So Strong

When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc.

No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.

Here are six reasons why you might want to know.

1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened.

Your partner says, “Yes, I was with him/her on that day.” You think, “Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about.” Or, “I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it…or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn’t.

2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn’t when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings.

And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: “What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn’t I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?”

Sexual interaction is a “window to the soul.” Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner’s inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you.

3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there?

This question is important for the “I can’t say no” and the “I don’t want to say no” types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner.

4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy.

I hear someone say, “This is weird, but sex for us is better, more frequent and more intense than it ever has been.” Knowing the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies.

5. It’s a connection – maybe one of few. There may be a great deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes a focal point.

You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing.

And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need for drama. This is especially true of someone who “fell out of love…and just loves being in love.”

Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants to “twist the knife.”

6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical well-being.

The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of the above circumstances fit you.

Again, please fill out the survey and download the “Needless Program.”