35 Years with a “I Don’t Want to Say No” Type of Affair

This person relays her healing journey in discovering the duplicity and affairs of her philandering husband of the past 35 years. Keys are given as to her capacity to charge neutral and manage the resolution of the infidelity.

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I thought this response to my series on “Confronting the Other Person” was worthy of being shared with everyone.

What struck me about this story:

1. The immensity of pain suddenly discovering the person you trusted for 35 years is untrustworthy… and more.

2. Her capacity to charge neutral in the midst of all the feelings.

3. Her courage in being able to stand back and choose what she needed to do to see her way through the roller-coaster.

4. Her capacity to articulately describe her dilemma.

So, I share with you…

Dr. Huizenga:

I’ve been reading your material online since July 2007 when I first found out about my husband’s affair.  Actually, that was when I found out about 1 of his affairs.  The following 18 months have been a roller coaster circle of discovery, heartbreak and recovery.  I still have very bad days but they are getting less often and less intense as time goes on.  When I have a meltdown he always says, “now what?” What I want him to say is “I’m sorry.” Yes, he has said it before, but I need to hear it over and over again to know that he understands what his actions have done. To show me that he thinks of it too and that he can be here for me from here out. We had been married 33 years when I discovered that for the last 10 years he had had one affair after the other, 13 in total.  We are still together and working on staying that way.  I haven’t decided yet if I can get past this and move forward, but he says we can and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal.  If that means leave, then he will do that too, it is my choice.  He claims all the fooling around is over, for good. I don’t know if I can believe it yet. Rebuilding that comfort zone of trust is hard. My daughter is getting married this fall and I have given myself that deadline to decide.  After the wedding is over and she is on with her new life, then I will decide about mine.  I won’t ruin her day! We haven’t told anyone about our issue and unless I decide we cannot get past this, it will stay that way.

Your questions about confronting the OP (in my case several Other People)  or not, is one that I struggled with for some time.  I finally decided to call the ones that I had the phone numbers for.  I also emailed the ones whose email addresses I had.  The results were mixed.  However, I did feel better and still recommend it.  I tried different approaches when dealing with them.  Some never knew he was married (and he verifies that), and again the results were mixed.  One actually got mad at me and started shouting back at me.  I refused to give it back to her and told her I was calling to inform her that he has STDs and that she should get checked even if they used condoms. The other reason I called her is that she has a My Space page and she has several pictures posted there of two trips she and my husband took together.  I asked her to please take the pictures down because they were so hurtful.  Although she had experienced infidelity in her own previous marriage, she refused to do soand told me to just dump him.  She says it was a part of her life and she didn’t do anything wrong so she won’t take it down.  Although it hurts, I’ve decided it is her character flaw not mine.

Of those that knew he was married, again the results were mixed, but only one actually got a bit huffy with me.  All the others either apologized or didn’t respond to the email. One even offered to help me get even with him and wanted to help me “bring him down.”  I respectfully declined her offer.  All have agreed their affairs were a mistake and have sworn if he ever contacts them again, they will let me know.  Explaining the devastation their actions leave behind was very therapeutic for me.  I highly recommend making the choice to contact the OP.  However, you must do it when you can calmly have the discussion.  You must also be prepared for the negative result of the contact, the chance that the OP may say or act poorly.  You must know that you will be able to take the high road and not respond to their insults or justification for their actions, you will feel better.   I also say that you must let your spouse know that you are making this contact.  Whether they agree or not, do it if it will make you feel better. At some point I had to take charge of my own life and make decisions irrespective of his response or the other women’s responses. I knew I was in the right and that alone was a feeling of control in a situation where all personal control is felt to be lost. Also, if you have a chance to see what they look like, get a look. As others have said, they were not models, they weren’t beautiful, they were nothing special. In fact, although I am by no means gorgeous, I know I am better looking then they are. So, what was he looking for? A piece of tail, that is all they are.

In some ways, finding out about the numerous women he had in the last 10 years has been a bit therapeutic. They were of all colors, ethnicities, ages, etc. He was just being a man whore, a serious character flaw. He says he wants to get to the bottom of it all with counseling/therapy, but I doubt he will ever make that move. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’m ordering your book and another one that was recommended by one of your competitors (but recommended by you – it might have been the other way around). If he goes thru the exercises in those programs with me then I will know if he really wants to make this work. Until then, I will continue on this journey toward recovery and starting a new life. Hopefully, this time, my husband can keep his promise to love, honor and cherish me as I have him for the last 35 years.