The RISKS and REWARDS of Confronting the Other Person
Avoid a catastrophe and heart ache. Use specific, researched guidelines to decide: “Should I Confront or Not?”
Order Confronting the Other Person: End the Humiliation and start reading in less than 5 minutes. Get your copy now, for only $49.95.
Punch His/Her Lights Out?
Dr. Huizenga here…
A while back I wasn’t sure where I stood on this issue. I was on the fence.
I know that a large number of you at one level want to punch his/her lights out. (One form of confrontation!) Others are more subtle and think of devious ways to inflict pain.
Some are consumed by images and vivid pictures of the OP (and spouse) and think of “confronting” the other person.
Before my research I had a hunch that most confrontations would be a disaster and merely stir up the pot of pain.
I sent out an extensive survey and the 500+ personal stories and responses opened my eyes.
In analyzing those stories I came away with some important and valuable input.
This valuable information is found in my new e-book: “Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards.”
You will learn:
- How and under what circumstances confronting the other person can be a catastrophe and heart ache
- How and under what circumstances confronting the other person may be a catalyst for stopping the affair
My research uncovered crucial elements insuring a successful confrontation: having a plan of confrontation, perhaps having a script that is rehearsed, timing the confrontation for maximum impact and working toward a level of personal readiness.
Overcoming Overwhelm: Breaking Down an Affair
Affairs are exceedingly complex.
You experience the mind numbing confusion after you discover the infidelity. Dealing with infidelity is not as easy as you thought it might be, is it?
And, you want confronting the other person to be more than a knee-jerk reaction. Impulsive actions often increase the distance and/or anger between you and your cheating spouse and may send him/her into the arms of his/her lover.
In “Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards,” I help create simplicity, calm and therefore more targeted and purposeful decisions by examining the question of confronting the other person in light of the 7 types of affairs.
Confronting the other person has better outcomes for particular types of affairs. And, in understanding the type of affair you better know what type of confrontation to plan and implement
Top 10 Apparent Reasons for Confronting the OP
Not everyone has a burning desire to confront the other person.
But, why in the world would you want to confront the other person? What are your apparent motives?
My study of the 500+ responses and other literature came up with a number of reasons why you confront, which I narrowed down to the top 10.
These reasons are examined in detail (more on that later.)
- I’m going to tell him/her to back off!
- I need more information.
- I want to know what s/he is like.
- I want to know if my spouse is lying.
- I want to set him/her straight about my spouse.
- I want to stop the affair and get him/her out of my life.
- I want him/her to know what this is like for me.
- I want to put an end to this and get closure.
- I need to protect my family.
- I want to bring reality to the fantasy.
85 Stories Tell the Story
Please know I do more than give you the 10 Top Apparent Reasons for Confronting the Other Person.
Of the more than 500 extensive responses I received, I took the top 85 stories and used them to illustrate each reason.
These are heart-felt, powerful, and reality based stories.
Here are the questions I asked:
- What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?
- What happened? What was the outcome?
- If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
Here’s an example of a successful confrontation. In my professional opinion the cheating spouse was most likely involved in an “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair. Confrontation can be helpful to put an end to the affair. (I don’t have time to explain that here, but there are typical patterns that lead to that conclusion.)
1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP, and what did you say/do?
I was not sure that she knew he was actively married, and interacting as a husband and family, AND carrying on with her in another town.
2. What happened? What was the outcome?
I made copies of our recent family photos/activities, and mailed them, along with copies of her love letters stating “he was her other half” and she loved him, “without consequences,” and I wrote on the pictures…”the other half and the consequences.” I also mailed it to her family members, who were probably unaware of his family situation. I searched for her phone number and address, and then researched the billing of her phone and P.O. box to get other family members addresses. I sent complete copies of the love letters to all recipients
3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?
No – I would have done it sooner. It blew up the romance, she was livid and humiliated. Her family got a reality check, and the secrecy was ruined, so the thrill was gone.
I’m reluctant to share examples here because I don’t want you using what this person did as a template. The actions of this person may create a disaster for you, depending on the type of affair you face and other circumstances. So…. be careful!
13 Underlying Reasons Why Some Confront the OP
Rather than going with your knee-jerk reaction, take some time to understand your true reasons for the confrontation. Peel back the layers of your needs, your desires, your patterns and the situation to sculpt a confrontation that will serve you well.
I believe that the greater your self awareness and the more distinctions you make in your feelings, thoughts and behaviors, the more you live in health and exude a tremendous sense of personal power that is exceedingly attractive.
In “Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards” I peel back the layers and look at 13 REAL reasons for confronting the other person.
Here’s a taste:
1. I don’t want people talking about me behind my back.
Affairs are triangles. Two people hold secrets against a third. Others may be brought into the triangle and whisper and gossip about the affair. Technically the roles in this triangle are the victim (I am the wounded spouse), the perpetrator (I have a lousy marriage), and the rescuer (You poor boy/girl, I will make it better).
The “victim” may confront the other person to destroy the triangle and move out of the victim role. Others watching may have a newfound respect for the “victim” and the “victim” may hold his/her head a little higher around others.
2. I need to find my personal power.
This is one of the more common reasons for confronting the other person once the layers of motivation are peeled back. The person who feels most “victimized” wants desperately to feel a measure of personal power and control.
Frequently, I hear of a situation where someone who was initially paralyzed and depressed, but took the risk of confronting the other person, and felt immeasurable relief after the confrontation. After all, depressed people are easier to deal with than angry people, right? And, a sense of personal power can emerge with the anger. Just remember, you continue to move through the stages of healing, and will not stay at the anger stage.
(I then briefly explain the 8 stages of healing.)
“Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards” outlines 11 other underlying reasons.
32 Tips and Observations
The next to last Chapter of “Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards” summarizes tips and observations that help in your decision making process of whether to confront the other person.
Here are just a couple:
There’s an ever-present danger in confronting the OP, if they are involved in an “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” affair – it only juices the affair relationship. It keeps it going. It gives it more fuel to burn.
It is also problematic to set up an agreement with a triangle (you, the OP, and your spouse) with the hope that it will remain intact and honored. After all, isn’t an affair a blatant disregard for marriage vows? How can one expect someone who easily and consistently breaks those vows to honor other agreements?
It is common to appeal to the decency and sensitivity of the other person. Usually this is attempted by someone who holds to the values of decency and sensitivity to others. However, someone involved in an affair may not share those values or that sense of decency.
Appealing to decency may work best in the following types of affairs: affair #7, “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy;” affair #6, “I Need to Prove My Desirability;” and affair #3, “I Don’t Want to Say No.” In these affairs, you stand the chance of the other person holding to some values of decency. But… I wouldn’t give it a better than a 50-50 chance.
“Charging neutral” is basically a refusal to react, internally and externally, to the other person or your circumstances. You don’t flinch. You don’t react. You don’t give away your power. No one ruffles your feathers.
Are You Ready? 41 Steps of Preparation and Assessment for Confronting the Other Person
Your state of readiness is crucial to a successful confrontation if you decide to embark on that path.
Are you ready? How do you know you are ready?
The final chapter of “Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards” gives you a check list of 41 steps divided into 5 categories to help effectively prepare for the confrontation.
1. Do you grasp the larger picture of infidelity?
2. What is your level of preparation, i.e.:
I realize that my expectations of what I want to see happen may not be met.
My powerful images of them are under control (most of the time.)
I have addressed the most important question: Do I REALLY want to be married to him/her?
3. My communication strategies are in place:
I know when to charge neutral
Any “letting fly” will be rehearsed and planned
I can state my position and make my points powerfully and quickly.
4. I have systems of support and protection:
I have an exit strategy.
I have a friend who supports and understands.
5. I have addressed and spent considerable time reflecting (and writing) on the 5 powerful questions
Infidelity is a very complex phenomenon that buries its painful tentacles deep within a person and relationship.
Caution is urged in confronting the other person for this very reason. Blasting away with a shotgun is liable to leave a nasty mess. Instead, examine the type of affair, look at other dynamics, and target exactly what to say and do to bring you exactly what you are looking for.
“Confronting the Other Person: Risks and Rewards” is an invaluable and exhaustive tool in this important process.
Order Confronting the Other Person: End the Humiliation, and start reading in less than 5 minutes. Get your copy now, for only $49.95. (Discounts calculated on checkout page after code is entered)
100% Money Back Guarantee…
|Confronting the Other Person comes with a 100% Money Back Guarantee. If at any time within the next 60 days you find the material not helpful, I’ll cheerfully refund your money, and you can keep the book.|