When you find out that your partner is cheating on you, one of the first reactions you might have is that you want to know every detail about his other relationship. You want to know who the other person is, what they did, when they did it and even where, whether your partner enjoyed it or not, if the other person is better than you in any way – you just want to know everything.

Some people would say that it is better not know these things and that you should just let it go and move on, but it is important to know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to know everything that happened.

Here are some reasons why you should know the details about your partner’s other relationship:

1. The need to be validated. There are people who have kind of a sixth sense about things like this, sensing that something is wrong even when there is no real evidence to support that “feeling.” Asking your partner about the details of the other relationship helps you validate a “feeling” you had, for example, on a specific time when you felt that your partner wasn’t acting like himself. Hearing that, yes, your partner was with the other person at that particular time erases any doubt you may have had about yourself and you become reassured that no, you are not crazy.

2. You want to know if it was something you did or did not do that pushed your partner to have an affair. You want to know what they did and how it compared to the things that you and your partner did, especially when it comes to sexual interactions. What you have to remember, though, is that you have to be kind to yourself when you compare. Most often than not, his sexual encounters with the other person are not as profound or significant as you imagined.

3. You want to know how deeply involved your partner is in the other relationship. What is the extent of his actions and how much do they actually mean to him? You want to be able to assess if you can forgive the things he’s done or if it will be too much for you to handle. And, you want to know if your partner can let go of the other person or if he wants to continue his affair and end what he has with you.

No one can ever foresee what the status of a relationship will be a few weeks, months or even years after being struck with infidelity. The outcomes for relationships will differ from one another. For some marriages, a bout of infidelity can be a good thing because it draws the couple closer together and makes the relationship stronger than before. For others, it could mean the death of the relationship.

However it goes, the emotional impact infidelity does to the person who is the victim of it will have the same intensity as everyone else. The only difference will be the way this victim will handle and cope with it. Typically, it takes about two to four years for a person to completely get over the emotional impact of being cheated on, but again this will differ from person to person.

A good support system can help you in coping with a situation like this better. Having a good therapist can also be of great value. Things like these can help you move things faster than if you were to handle everything by yourself.

Just remember to be strong, to take things one day at a time, and you will feel normal again.

A lot of the people have asked this question, and the answer is always the same: yes. Why? Because knowing the reason or factors behind one’s decision to be unfaithful to his or her spouse is a key to finding a solution in the problem.

For the more than two decades that Dr. Huizenga has worked with people who are going through problems with infidelity, he has come up with seven different kinds of affairs that stem from different reasons.

One of which, and the most common, is a need to prove his or her desirability. Your partner may use the “horrible marriage” as an excuse to seek the kind of attention he or she claims they are not getting from you. Another one is because he is confused or afraid of being intimate – either in general or in the way that you want to be – and he sees this as something that is wrong with him.

Maybe your partner sees himself as a “great catch,” and feels entitled to be with someone else who is a “great catch” as well. Or he could just be after the feeling one gets when he has found and is discovering a new love – the excitement, the drama, the thrill.

Whatever the reason may be, knowing the specifics will be a great tool for you to planning the best approach in handling a situation like that.

You should be aware that there could be someone close to you who has, at one point or another, tried being in an affair. And the probability of someone else being in one in the future is extremely high.

You won’t always know or notice when these people – a friend, relative, or even your own partner – are being unfaithful, but there are some telltale signs that you can identify to help you when you suspect someone of having an affair.

The most common of which is a change in habits and behaviors. Something he or she does that is completely routine in his or her daily life could be suddenly stopped or ignored for no reason. You might also notice a sudden lack of interest in you – the partner – as well as decreased motivation to do activities that you used to do together.

Confronting your partner with your observations is probably the best thing you can do. Even though these changes don’t necessarily mean that he or she is cheating on you, it is still best to ask why the changes occurred to know what is going on in your partner’s life. And if it does turn out to be an affair, then at least you will know sooner rather than later, and you could move on to discussing what it will mean for your relationship and your future.

1. I think many people, me included, know that all that lovey-dovey crap isn’t going to help them through the critical points. If we can’t make it work from day to day, taking a ‘romantic’ vacation ain’t gonna work either.
2. I agree with you that most of these items are only temporary fixes at best and some don’t work at all. I can say I have tried most of them in my 25 year relationship and though some helped a little, it didn’t last.
3. It seems easier but it is not in real life. When you really try to follow these advices, they look like artificial, false. You become more a performer, and at the end, the frustration for lack of results is even bigger. You end feeling ridiculous.
4. Been there done that…. I started with most of these points. I like the comment about needy. We did the dating…. Correct! The elephant was still in the room. It’s amazing to me that even though every situation is different, out emotions and actions all seem to be the same.
5. After trying most of the items on the list over the past year, I feel that these have not cured my devastating pain and anger nor have they helped with rebuilding love, respect, and trust I had previous to his affair. Romantic vacations and get-aways brought out increased anger and pain, as they were in hotel settings, which made me think about the sex shared by my husband and his mistress and further alienated me from him. Intimacy is a REAL problem for me.
6. These are the things you often hear you should do to fix your marriage. But you are right – they don’t help. The problem is that if the other one is not willing, there is not much you can do. But sure – going out regularly with your partner may prevent the problems but does not necessarily help when you have hit the rock bottom and there is the elephant in the room that no one really knows what to do about. Also – there can be the problem that I am experiencing that the other one is in a hurry of just leaving the scene because he sees everything so hopeless (and is in love with someone else = quick fix!)
7. Everyone says to spend more time together after an emotional affair and go out on dates and talk and talk. But you’re right that big fat elephant of the affair always goes with you wherever you go. There is no getting away from it. You can talk and talk and still not get any issues resolved. It’s emotionally exhausting with no or little improvement. I just wish the cheating spouse knew the depth of pain this caused for the other spouse and just maybe these types of emotional affairs would not happen. No one deserves to be in this deep of pain.
8. I completely agree with your comments to the “tried and true” common advice. I especially agree with what you say about date nights etc. being overrated and feeling forced and how that makes you feel like a failure when, as a couple, it just doesn’t work.

Recovering from an affair is difficult but you will be fine with the right infidelity help.

You need not be loud and when you speak your voice. A quiet, calm, yet coming from within you voice, holds the most power. You speak quietly and others listen.

You become more attractive as you cultivate and grow your voice.

You respect yourself more and others respect you more as you grow your voice. You are disregarded and ignored when you approach with negativity and reactivity.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state what you value for yourself and your relationships.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state your standards and what you expect from self, others and life.

Having a voice and personal power means you firmly state your boundaries that protect you and those you love.

You exude personal power when it is obvious you have a vision for your life, your family, your career and that which you value.

You continually and persistently become more and more aware of the purpose for your life and disclose that purpose to those you love.

Your voice is your power. Your voice is YOU. Your voice is what makes you exceedingly attractive.

Seeking good affair help is the answer to coping with infidelity.

• You must get marriage counseling.

Please know that I’ve had a private practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981. Not all marriage counseling is equal. There are inherent contradictions that make it problematic. And, it may deflect from what truly will work best.

• Date. Spend some intentional time together.

Sounds good. But, the time is often forced or contrived and the elephants in the room are still alive.

• Take some time away for a romantic weekend. Be more romantic.

Please know that I think romance is highly misunderstood. Romance is much more than chocolate on Valentine’s days and staring into his/her eyes. I prefer not to use the word romance since it is so widely misunderstood and abused.

• Get away to a retreat or weekend where you focus on the marriage.

This may be helpful, but often not necessary. The key is how you face the strains of each day individually and as individuals and as a couple.

Although these rebuilding strategies are commonly espoused, they are temporary fixes at best.

Most fail to address the underlying process of building a marriage or relationship of deep emotional investment. As well, they often fail to get at the core issues.

Creating a lasting and mutually satisfying emotional connection that you can trust and know will endure the test of time only occurs once the marital process is embraced and core issues are addressed.

As well these more traditional strategies tend to limit one’s personal power and freedom.
Your lives become enmeshed or wrapped around each other in ways that feel smothering and limiting. I will speak more on that at length later.

A husband affair can ruin a marriage but infidelity support can help save it!

• A series of Engagements, each building positively on the other, create a framework for the possibility of warmth, acceptance, love and romance (if you want to use that word.)
• Some formats of engagement may work better for one than another. Face-to-face, phone, texting and email are different platforms. A consideration of the platform used is important in the beginning shifts away from negativity and reactivity.
• One typically initiates the engagement and the other responds with reluctance (see pursuer – distance process later.)
• Engagements turn to negativity and reactivity when approached out of personal neediness.

Each engagement gives a wealth of information to enhance your personal power and voice.
Engaging your spouse means you need NOT “work on the relationship.” The relationship with its variations of intimacy emerges effortlessly as you bring and express your voice.

Infidelity is terrible but surviving an affair is possible!

• You can communicate much more powerfully and elegantly when you see the distinctions. You no longer ramble in generalities but see the truth and speak the truth. You see the world in its finer points. You put the world in a different frame, outside the frame of negativity and reactivity.
• My material often helps you make distinctions. The distinctions build a bridge between the two of you and jump start the process of intimacy and warmth. For example, one feeling the hurt and pain may blurt out, “I want a divorce.” The one making finer distinctions may pinpoint the place of that hurt, the outcome of that hurt, the underlying dynamics of that hurt (i.e. my need for ___________ is not being met,) and talk instead about and begin describing how resolution can transpire.
• You have much to offer when you have the gift of making distinctions. Others must and will listen to you. You speak about what is real. You offer hope. You are attractive. The evolution of love is the evolution of knowing and being known more fully and with depth.
• It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or self help binge to do this. Creating the habit daily of being aware of the subtleties and distinctions in life put you on the path. As I’ve stated before, we make distinctions in other arenas of life. Making distinctions in our relationships or marriage is no different.
• This process of making distinctions is never ending. It is infinite. There are ALWAYS more distinctions you can make. Your awareness of yourself is always limited. Your awareness of the other is always limited or finite. Love never ends. Love is infinite.
• Making distinctions generates a tremendous feeling of freedom. There are no limitations to know, to love and be loved. The world is yours. Your marriage is yours to create what you truly want to create. You can explore. You can experiment. Marriage need not be dull, boring or characterized by the thought, “We have arrived, or we must arrive.”
• Much of my work as a writer and coach is making distinctions for others. I help others see the myriad of underlying needs, fears, hopes, dreams and put those into words and craft powerful communication. This communication is powerful and comes from the heart and soul, from the essence of whom one is, not from one’s negativity and reactivity.
• Making distinctions can be exceedingly fun and enjoyable. It appeals to a pragmatic man because it is concrete. I appeals to a woman because it speaks of depth and the heart. (Sorry about the gender generalities. Don’t take them seriously. I just want to make a point about the universal appeal of this process.

Affairs are terrible and infidelity in marriage should not have to be dealt with.

You may focus so extensively on the negative that you miss your power. But, your power is within you. Your power is YOU!

Your task is to embrace that power and to embrace you.

And, here’s the kicker: your spouse or significant other is given to you to create an environment in which that happens. Likewise you were given to him/her for that purpose as well.

Engagement by engagement you more fully embrace that power and disclose your power and your uniqueness with finer and finer distinctions.

Here are some key points on embracing your personal power and voice:

Your voice is what is uniquely you. I had a friend and prominent consultant (who worked with nationally renowned television and radio personalities) review my website. His comment: “You have a voice!” He meant that I express who I am powerfully so that most want listen and hear more. My website, how I write is an extension of me, is me! You want your voice to be strong as in uniquely you, so you spouse or significant other wants to hear.

When you have your voice, you have much to offer. People want to be around those who have much to offer. When you react and are negative, you offer nothing; nothing that will build and grow love. You are a noisy gong or clanging symbol, that’s it.

Having a voice means you are comfortable with you. You are comfortable in your skin. You are at ease in disclosing who you are.
If you’re worried about an affair, I can help you with surviving infidelity.