You should be aware that there could be someone close to you who has, at one point or another, tried being in an affair. And the probability of someone else being in one in the future is extremely high.

You won’t always know or notice when these people – a friend, relative, or even your own partner – are being unfaithful, but there are some telltale signs that you can identify to help you when you suspect someone of having an affair.

The most common of which is a change in habits and behaviors. Something he or she does that is completely routine in his or her daily life could be suddenly stopped or ignored for no reason. You might also notice a sudden lack of interest in you – the partner – as well as decreased motivation to do activities that you used to do together.

Confronting your partner with your observations is probably the best thing you can do. Even though these changes don’t necessarily mean that he or she is cheating on you, it is still best to ask why the changes occurred to know what is going on in your partner’s life. And if it does turn out to be an affair, then at least you will know sooner rather than later, and you could move on to discussing what it will mean for your relationship and your future.

Man:  I keep having to deal with obsessive thinking about the affair. Lies make you go around and around in your head. What do I do?

My Response:

You keep going back to the past and thinking about the lies that were told, thinking about the situations that were less than honest. In some level, you’re trying to discern the truth. That’s what I’m reading into this, maybe that’s not accurate. But it’s not obsessive thinking in a negative way, because what you want is to know the truth.

When you go back to situations in the past, where you were lied to, for example, a person is going back and saying, “You know, back then it felt really kind of strange, where I had this kind of sense that something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t say anything or I didn’t do anything.”

Your intuition at that particular time was picking up on the lie, but another part of you denied it. What you want to do now is to go back and you want to affirm yourself and say to yourself, “I was right on target. A part of me was right on target even though I didn’t want to know it, even though I didn’t want to face it.”

So, if you begin to break yourself into those kinds of parts, the part that is thinking about something over and over and over again really is trying to work on something, trying to make sense of something, trying to heal you in some way. So, it’s not all bad, it just takes a lot of time and, often, a lot of energy.

So, if you have obsessive thinking, just take some time and say, “What in the world am I thinking about?” and then ask yourself this question: “What does it mean to me that I’m thinking about this?”

What most people discover is: what it means to you is that you have bumped into a part of you that doesn’t feel very good. So, “I bumped into a part of me that began to question myself, when I began to feel that my husband or my wife was slipping away from me or was lying to me.”

So, asking that question, “What does this mean to me?” often brings up some of our own deep seated negative thoughts or negative feelings about ourselves. Then, you can begin addressing those questions or those feelings and saying, “That’s not really true,” and you can begin to put some reality on who you really are.

Then, often, then helps eliminate or greatly reduce much of the obsessiveness, or the mind that keeps working, working, working, even when you’re sleeping.

Shall I go or stay when my husband is still with the other woman and is planning to meet her again?

Here’s my response:

I’m not sure it’s an issue of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s more a question of “What’s going to be my strategy? What am I going to say? What type of affair is it?” For example, if a person says “I fell out of love with you, I’m in love with someone else, and I’m going to continue this relationship,” you may be looking at Affair #4: I fell out of love…and just love being in love. First of all, you need to know that that relationship is temporary. It’s not going to last forever.

One strategy is to back off and let that relationship die if you have the personal power to be able to do that. The other strategy is to be able to contextualize and say to this person “Where are you headed? You realize that this is probably temporary? Most people who are in this type of affair do realize that those type of feelings, that type of being “in love” is temporary and a part of them knows that.

So you can begin contextualizing or beginning to put the affair in the framework of “This is not going to work and you know it. What’s going to happen when everything falls apart for you? You may end up with nothing. And what is that going to be like for you?” So it’s confrontive contextualization of the circumstances of that relationship.

So saying “Should I stay or go?” is probably a question that a person is probably not ready to answer at this point in time. You first of all need to identify the type of affair, explore different strategies that you would use, evaluate the outcome, evaluate the responses and along the line it will begin sinking that this is either going to work or this is not going to work.

And so it’s a process. Again I say it takes six to eighteen months to work through this if you can use some of these techniques and if you don’t, if you just kind of flail at it it’s going to take a lot longer. Infidelity is very, very complex, very, very complicated and so it’s not a simple question of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s much more involved and if you care about your husband, you care about yourself, you care about your family, you’re going to be asking a lot of difficult questions. It’s not going to be easy but in the long run it’s going to be the best route for you to take.

1. I think many people, me included, know that all that lovey-dovey crap isn’t going to help them through the critical points. If we can’t make it work from day to day, taking a ‘romantic’ vacation ain’t gonna work either.
2. I agree with you that most of these items are only temporary fixes at best and some don’t work at all. I can say I have tried most of them in my 25 year relationship and though some helped a little, it didn’t last.
3. It seems easier but it is not in real life. When you really try to follow these advices, they look like artificial, false. You become more a performer, and at the end, the frustration for lack of results is even bigger. You end feeling ridiculous.
4. Been there done that…. I started with most of these points. I like the comment about needy. We did the dating…. Correct! The elephant was still in the room. It’s amazing to me that even though every situation is different, out emotions and actions all seem to be the same.
5. After trying most of the items on the list over the past year, I feel that these have not cured my devastating pain and anger nor have they helped with rebuilding love, respect, and trust I had previous to his affair. Romantic vacations and get-aways brought out increased anger and pain, as they were in hotel settings, which made me think about the sex shared by my husband and his mistress and further alienated me from him. Intimacy is a REAL problem for me.
6. These are the things you often hear you should do to fix your marriage. But you are right – they don’t help. The problem is that if the other one is not willing, there is not much you can do. But sure – going out regularly with your partner may prevent the problems but does not necessarily help when you have hit the rock bottom and there is the elephant in the room that no one really knows what to do about. Also – there can be the problem that I am experiencing that the other one is in a hurry of just leaving the scene because he sees everything so hopeless (and is in love with someone else = quick fix!)
7. Everyone says to spend more time together after an emotional affair and go out on dates and talk and talk. But you’re right that big fat elephant of the affair always goes with you wherever you go. There is no getting away from it. You can talk and talk and still not get any issues resolved. It’s emotionally exhausting with no or little improvement. I just wish the cheating spouse knew the depth of pain this caused for the other spouse and just maybe these types of emotional affairs would not happen. No one deserves to be in this deep of pain.
8. I completely agree with your comments to the “tried and true” common advice. I especially agree with what you say about date nights etc. being overrated and feeling forced and how that makes you feel like a failure when, as a couple, it just doesn’t work.

Recovering from an affair is difficult but you will be fine with the right infidelity help.

You need not be loud and when you speak your voice. A quiet, calm, yet coming from within you voice, holds the most power. You speak quietly and others listen.

You become more attractive as you cultivate and grow your voice.

You respect yourself more and others respect you more as you grow your voice. You are disregarded and ignored when you approach with negativity and reactivity.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state what you value for yourself and your relationships.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state your standards and what you expect from self, others and life.

Having a voice and personal power means you firmly state your boundaries that protect you and those you love.

You exude personal power when it is obvious you have a vision for your life, your family, your career and that which you value.

You continually and persistently become more and more aware of the purpose for your life and disclose that purpose to those you love.

Your voice is your power. Your voice is YOU. Your voice is what makes you exceedingly attractive.

Seeking good affair help is the answer to coping with infidelity.

• You must get marriage counseling.

Please know that I’ve had a private practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981. Not all marriage counseling is equal. There are inherent contradictions that make it problematic. And, it may deflect from what truly will work best.

• Date. Spend some intentional time together.

Sounds good. But, the time is often forced or contrived and the elephants in the room are still alive.

• Take some time away for a romantic weekend. Be more romantic.

Please know that I think romance is highly misunderstood. Romance is much more than chocolate on Valentine’s days and staring into his/her eyes. I prefer not to use the word romance since it is so widely misunderstood and abused.

• Get away to a retreat or weekend where you focus on the marriage.

This may be helpful, but often not necessary. The key is how you face the strains of each day individually and as individuals and as a couple.

Although these rebuilding strategies are commonly espoused, they are temporary fixes at best.

Most fail to address the underlying process of building a marriage or relationship of deep emotional investment. As well, they often fail to get at the core issues.

Creating a lasting and mutually satisfying emotional connection that you can trust and know will endure the test of time only occurs once the marital process is embraced and core issues are addressed.

As well these more traditional strategies tend to limit one’s personal power and freedom.
Your lives become enmeshed or wrapped around each other in ways that feel smothering and limiting. I will speak more on that at length later.

A husband affair can ruin a marriage but infidelity support can help save it!

• A series of Engagements, each building positively on the other, create a framework for the possibility of warmth, acceptance, love and romance (if you want to use that word.)
• Some formats of engagement may work better for one than another. Face-to-face, phone, texting and email are different platforms. A consideration of the platform used is important in the beginning shifts away from negativity and reactivity.
• One typically initiates the engagement and the other responds with reluctance (see pursuer – distance process later.)
• Engagements turn to negativity and reactivity when approached out of personal neediness.

Each engagement gives a wealth of information to enhance your personal power and voice.
Engaging your spouse means you need NOT “work on the relationship.” The relationship with its variations of intimacy emerges effortlessly as you bring and express your voice.

Infidelity is terrible but surviving an affair is possible!

• You can communicate much more powerfully and elegantly when you see the distinctions. You no longer ramble in generalities but see the truth and speak the truth. You see the world in its finer points. You put the world in a different frame, outside the frame of negativity and reactivity.
• My material often helps you make distinctions. The distinctions build a bridge between the two of you and jump start the process of intimacy and warmth. For example, one feeling the hurt and pain may blurt out, “I want a divorce.” The one making finer distinctions may pinpoint the place of that hurt, the outcome of that hurt, the underlying dynamics of that hurt (i.e. my need for ___________ is not being met,) and talk instead about and begin describing how resolution can transpire.
• You have much to offer when you have the gift of making distinctions. Others must and will listen to you. You speak about what is real. You offer hope. You are attractive. The evolution of love is the evolution of knowing and being known more fully and with depth.
• It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or self help binge to do this. Creating the habit daily of being aware of the subtleties and distinctions in life put you on the path. As I’ve stated before, we make distinctions in other arenas of life. Making distinctions in our relationships or marriage is no different.
• This process of making distinctions is never ending. It is infinite. There are ALWAYS more distinctions you can make. Your awareness of yourself is always limited. Your awareness of the other is always limited or finite. Love never ends. Love is infinite.
• Making distinctions generates a tremendous feeling of freedom. There are no limitations to know, to love and be loved. The world is yours. Your marriage is yours to create what you truly want to create. You can explore. You can experiment. Marriage need not be dull, boring or characterized by the thought, “We have arrived, or we must arrive.”
• Much of my work as a writer and coach is making distinctions for others. I help others see the myriad of underlying needs, fears, hopes, dreams and put those into words and craft powerful communication. This communication is powerful and comes from the heart and soul, from the essence of whom one is, not from one’s negativity and reactivity.
• Making distinctions can be exceedingly fun and enjoyable. It appeals to a pragmatic man because it is concrete. I appeals to a woman because it speaks of depth and the heart. (Sorry about the gender generalities. Don’t take them seriously. I just want to make a point about the universal appeal of this process.

Affairs are terrible and infidelity in marriage should not have to be dealt with.

You may focus so extensively on the negative that you miss your power. But, your power is within you. Your power is YOU!

Your task is to embrace that power and to embrace you.

And, here’s the kicker: your spouse or significant other is given to you to create an environment in which that happens. Likewise you were given to him/her for that purpose as well.

Engagement by engagement you more fully embrace that power and disclose your power and your uniqueness with finer and finer distinctions.

Here are some key points on embracing your personal power and voice:

Your voice is what is uniquely you. I had a friend and prominent consultant (who worked with nationally renowned television and radio personalities) review my website. His comment: “You have a voice!” He meant that I express who I am powerfully so that most want listen and hear more. My website, how I write is an extension of me, is me! You want your voice to be strong as in uniquely you, so you spouse or significant other wants to hear.

When you have your voice, you have much to offer. People want to be around those who have much to offer. When you react and are negative, you offer nothing; nothing that will build and grow love. You are a noisy gong or clanging symbol, that’s it.

Having a voice means you are comfortable with you. You are comfortable in your skin. You are at ease in disclosing who you are.
If you’re worried about an affair, I can help you with surviving infidelity.

I’ve spent much time reflecting and noting what seemed to work and what seemed to fail.

I don’t always take the traditional route because I don’t believe it goes far enough or it misses underlying issues and assumptions.

Here’s what you hear and read from many that purportedly try to help create love and rekindle your relationship:

4 Commonly Suggested Methods for Reviving a Marriage or Relationship

• Talk about feelings. Get at the nitty grity. Go over past hurts. Dig into family of origin issues.

Sounds foreboding, doesn’t it? And, usually not necessary, very subjective and can take much time.

• Both must be committed to makeover the marriage.

I contend that NEVER are two fully committed to this process. One is always taking the lead with the other holding back somewhat, or a lot.

• You must work to meet each other’s needs.

This may feel good at the beginning, but it is only a temporary fix at best. I will show you ways to move beyond your neediness.

• You must learn communication skills.

Now, that sounds boring and rather plastic or contrived. I will teach you how to communicate better without focusing on the skills. I will teach you how to deal with infidelity.