More words from those who have been there and done that…

It helped me identify the type of affair my partner had, and to understand why, even when he ended the affair, he continued to stay emotionally attached to the woman. I tried for 6 months to "make it work"; we went away on holidays, went to dinner, talked and talked. I thought we were getting things back together. However, after a lovely walking weekend, dinner etc, I said to him "Are you over 'her' now?” To which he replied 'No, I still miss the affair and the possibility of a different future"……. I flipped, and asked him to move out, I had never felt so angry, used and abused….. I then downloaded your book, and with the help of a very good counselor, I finally 'get it'… recovery from this affair… is about finding out who I am, and what I want, and if I actually want this relationship. My self-esteem is growing; I find I can live on my own. I find I have lots of great friends and supportive teenage children. I have now said that I do not want any contact with my partner for at least 3 months. It's time for him to see how it feels without me. He is having counseling too. I feel whatever decision we come to will be for the right reasons, and will be an informed decision. In the meantime I tell myself everyday 'I'm going to make it'…..

This course has helped me realize that I need to focus on and put all my energy into helping ME. I've wasted so much time, energy & tears on my ex-husband, hoping that he'd get bored with 'her' & realize how much he misses the wonderful life (at least, I thought it was wonderful, denial?) he had with his 'real family'. But, that's not going to happen so I need to move on, start over & enjoy a 'different' life. I know he misses me & the life he had, just not enough. This course was 'dead on' when it came to things to say & not to say. It was almost like you were listening in on my life!! Everything you said not to say, of course I said it & vice versa. I know now that in the end, I did do the right thing in telling him that it was no longer his decision. I told him he was not welcome here anymore in the middle of the night when he was done with her or when she threw him out or if he had a change of heart, whatever the reason. He had to leave now & I was divorcing him. My decision!! I went to work one day, told my boss I needed to work full time b/c I needed the medical benefits & that was that. I miss him every minute of everyday but I will make it b/c I have wonderful kids, family & friends that care. And, I am determined to show him that my life is better than his miserable life. That's a little bonus!! Thanks doc for all your advice.