Looks good in a movie however forgiveness is a proces which would entail to give up the right to punish firstly yourself and secondly the perpetrator . In this clip however by showing his father the cards he was punishing himself and his father at the same time.
Maybe in some circumstances there is no forgiveness maybe just a managing of a latent situation.

Certainly emotive.

from my recent experience, of infidelity, I do believe that you do need to forgive if you want to rebuild/build again a relationship for whatever reason it has fallen apart. However this film totally skips the process. You cannot go from accusation straight to forgiveness. In fact before you can forgive you need to understand and think in a way of how the things that have been done, have made you feel, rather than blame. I would say in my experience, the next step is to start accepting what has happened before you can, and maybe never really properly forgive…but then again in time I think you can. However you need to resolve the feelings that you have first, not by accusing and blaming…and by doing this to enable you to see, from the person who has made you feel the way you do, their remorse, apology and realise their honesty in wishing it were different, wanting to change perhaps. Forgiveness is actually very personal…and it starts by forgiving yourself…allow the other person feel that they can forgive themselves in some way, apologise and move forward from that point.
For something that is a 'deep injury' the film comes across a bit flippant in this regard.
My experience has been the toughest in my life but also one of the greatest lessons in life and has totally 'enlarged my future'!

Mind blowing with no spoken words… Maybe if we all try this tactic for every situation, maybe we'd all be better off. It seem not enough done to push towards saving marriages, I am now divorced and husband is with other woman in another country…

Especially after the latest on Tiger's Infidelity…. too many of this happening in our own news media….

This should be shown to everyone

As moving as this video makes it look, it definitely is not easy. After going through being "deeply injured", forgiveness does not come as a natural instinct. I think I did it more for my own need to love my husband, and allow him and myself to attempt to rebuild what we had. Its been a year, but moments of extreme anger and shock still linger.. hopefully time and better memories will allow for more forgiveness/ recuperation. One thing is for sure, you can not rebuild until you accept the truth, and determine that their motive was not to hurt you, but to satisfy a selfish need.

This was an awesome video. I could feel the tension lift as he forgave his father. It's so powerful that it brought home to me a few things, like, forgiveness doesn't change the past but enlarges the future. Maybe this scenario is a common story – how our wounds get passed down. If we can forgive then we have a chance of changing the present. If there's anyone who feels I haven't forgiven them completely then nows my chance to say I totally do.

Strange video!
I personally never had to think about forgivness as much as I do nowadays,I do remember my catholic up bringing,"you must forgive to be forgiven"
well for me I can't get to that place.I wish It would come for me so I can have some peace in my life.I feel such a struggle with"FORGIVNESS" after being HURT
so badly,It almost seems impossible!My husband did the unthinkable to our life.3 years later,Iam still ANGRY!!! married 34 years at the time,life was good I thought,and then the BOMB…so forgivness?????

I totally beleive in forgiveness. I have forgiven my husband for the infidelity, abuse, etc. Now, it was a process…. a long process. Eventually, when I was able to forgive him there came a peace within me. But, I must take issue with the film. When one forgives, one cannot be in such pain as demonstrated in the film. One must be in the process of having dealt with the pain and being in a peace process. further, when one forgives, one does not throw things at the other's face. That is punishment, revenge. spitefulness. So, you cannot have both at the same time. Therefore, a person who is hurting that much is not really ready for forgiving.

After my wife's first trist(two years into our marriage)I forgave and trusted again, didn't give it a second thought. After the next three affairs I again forgave; moving on totally trusting; the past behind. The next affair she hid for about a dozen years. This I believe caused an ongoing uneasiness between us leading to another incident with a friend who came to me about it; I forgave both. I moved on naively; she attempted another two. Through counselling the three more I didn't know about came out. This cleaned up the past but I now have a hard time trusting anymore. For me trusting and forgiveness have now become intertwined. I have gone from a naive trust; believing her when she says she's sorry; to being on my guard; I can't relax for long anymore as I see her on the "hunt" for happiness in the wrong way. Forgiveness is always possible. Forgiving is one thing, but with a pattern now almost cast in stone, it's hard to not remember what's happened and expecting it may happen again. The pure naivity of forgiving; the trust is gone. I'm not sure I can ever feel the healing of forgiveness anymore. I will press on in this 40 year relationship; because I care about and love her too much to not give her another chance. She is a precious person.

A moving video without words. I believe forgiveness is important and I have tried to forgive after my husbands infidelity. It's been made harder by his inability to admit to doing anything wrong. I found the singles sites he joined, I went thru his cell phone bills and found the women from his past he was in contact with, I found the ED drugs he got from the doctor when he was avoiding intimacy with me and many had been used. Most of all I remember being rejected, despised, and lied to, just like the video. He looked deeply in my eyes and told me he did nothing, two weeks later he admitted to some of it. Now he's back with me and our family, but he's never told me the whole story or about whoever was taking him away. I guess he's keeping her in reserve in case it doesnt work out with us. This makes forgiveness difficult because really he hasnt given it up only set it aside for now while he TRIES to work on his marriage I guess.

I found it interesting that the son described the situation as killing his Mom.

I read that the emotions the betrayed goes through are as if the spouse had died. Those emotions are centered around having to accept that someone you deeply love has left you forever. But when someone dies, it is final, you don't blame them for dieing, as it isn't their choice. The love is intact and not tarnished because of the death.

Betrayal is a whole set of different obstacles. They are physically gone from the betrayed's life, but are not dead. They have chosen to break the sacred bond of marriage in order to begin a new (emotional and sexual)life with someone else. They are still walking around alive and well,and the betrayed is dead to them….

So they are dead to each other.. one of them chooses to kill their spouse, and the other has to accept their spouse has chosen to kill them.

I have much compassion, but I am very far from forgiving or forgetting. Maybe time will help me to forget the pain I went through, but if I don't receive a heartfelt apology and explanation, I will never have the understanding that I need in order to forgive.

Thank you for your articles, they have been a lifeline to me these past two years. Diane

Very moving, yet somehow unrealistic. Maybe it's because the time frame of working through the issues hasn't been made known. Perhaps the son is crying because this is the choice he has made after a long road of work and therapy, and the emotions he is experiencing are liberating and real.

I have noticed, too, that forgiveness seems to be 'forced' upon you by some people declaring that it is necessary to move forward and heal. I disagree. To 'choose' to forgive (before working through the grief, anger,etc) and then have to remind yourself later that this is your choice…to put a 'cap' on the emotions is a form of denial.

Forgiving takes a lot of work and time. Each party, no doubt, has issues to deal with. For me, then and only then, once I have resolved my grief and anger and pain, can I even think of forgiveness. I believe that forgiveness is a process, not an event.

Powerful movie. But how does it relate to my husband's infidelity. After one year of knowing, I still am unable to forgive him. I've been in touch with his women. One didn't know we were married. I have forgiven her. The other, a married co-worker carried on with him for 10 years. Contacted her via mail and email and lashed out. She's curious but remains silent. He has proven through behavior that he can be trusted again, however the forgiveness words won't come out. This process is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. All of the comments have helped me.

DJ,

While reading your story, I thought it was me writing it. It is almost identical to mine, with exception of the singles site. My other watched porn, but stopped after I confronted him. However, he switched to the cable stations watching porn movies. I know he doesn't fool around now as we both are retired and he is always with me. I don't know if he takes ED drugs but do know he uses a prostate masterbator or some other type. We sleep in separate bedrooms but are across the hall from each other. I hear the sounds and know what is going on while he thinks I sleep. He too looked deeply into my eyes as well as swear on his children's life that he has done absolutely nothing. But, I have his cell phone records and did research finding all the women he had dealings with; some of which I believe he paid for. Some of them called my home! he failed to delete the numbers on one of the phones. So, I truly understand your position. I know we have to forgive ourselves before forgiving others, but I'm having a very hard time to let go of the anger, hurt and betrayal. I realize that I am hurting my health because I can't let it go. I just want the truth so I can cry and scream. Then I believe I can heal myself and move towards forgiveness for both of us.

Sherry,

You hit the nail on the had with your closing comment. I'm convinced he didn't want to hurt me. He truly was selfish and did what he had to do to satisfy his ego. Since acknowledging the affairs and apologizing after 42 years of marriage, he's proven his trustworthiness. Hopefully, as I continue working on myself, the forgiveness words will come because if they don't, I truly will not be at peace.

On the surface it sounds so easy to forgive – I never imagined it would be so difficult. I would like to think I’m a forgiving person but it’s been 2 years and I’m still struggling with it. When something alters your life like an affair (or any tragic event) it is so devastating that your world as you knew it forever changes. To me the video represents a son who is letting his father know how he hurt him and that he is ready to begin rebuilding his life by forgiving his father. It’s not exonerating his father but rather taking charge of the situation by not allowing the resentment, anger, hurt to infest his life any more so that he can start living again. Now if I can just get there………………..

I believe there is too much pressure put on the betrayed person to forgive. We are already dealing with so many issues that this is just too much. I also think that this idea of having to forgive comes from a primarily religious idea, which is nice in theory but not realistic in many situations, like adultery. I'm not advocating retaliation or constantly punishing your spouse, but why forgive the unforgiveable? I read something which I can understand and try to put into practice. This is from "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring:

You can heal yourself and clear your head of emotional sludge, resentment, rage and hurt–with or without forgiving. You can release your bitter and obsessive preoccupation with getting even–with or without forgiving. You can make peace with yourself and come to terms with what happened–with or without forgiving.

You don't have to hate the offender or exact a pound of flesh, but you don't have to forgive him either. You can choose ACCEPTANCE. In this way, you don't have to dwell on the injury, but you don't have to forget or minimize it either.

I thought that it was powerful. I am a Christian and I believe that because I have been forgiving for all the wrong that I have done I must be willing to forgive other it is my responsibility to let go allow God to deal with those who have mistreated me for whatever reason they chose to. I am a firm believer that holding to the hurt anger and bitterness is killing no one expect me. It truly is like me drinking poison and expecting the person who has caused the hurt to die that is not going to happen I am only hurting myself. When I forgive it is not for the other person it is for me I really have no other choice to forgive since I have also received the Awesome forgiveness from God. He know how to handle those who have wronged me better than I and it is His responsibility to do and I already have enough on my plate to try to add on more than I can chew. I am not saying that it is easy but it can be done The Lord has promised us that He would not give us more than we can bear. I am saying that this is what He want no the person choice to do the wrong but even in the mist of that God can work it out for my good and I honesty believe that in due time that He will because it is in His word and He never lies about anything. Just keep trusting Him and praying for those who hurt will make the greatest difference in your life. I am a living witness.

Having been confronted with the affair by my wife my first response was to wonder what place she was in to think this was necessary. I suppose that was an immediate forgiveness. However what followed was a prolonged wind down of the affair (but only email and keeping in touch) which I'm not sure is even now still over. This is more painful and damages the trust by prolonging the deceit and lies after discovery. For me this is more difficult to deal with as it is contempt for the love and understanding shown at and after discovery.
Maybe we can get over this but trust is hard to earn once lost after 30 years of being together without problems. I think more damage is done after the affair by the way it is handled by the offending spouse than anything else.
Sometimes Forgiveness and seeds fall on stoney ground.

My husband has cheated with two women since 2006. He does not live with us anymore…..do I forgive him? I have done some research on forgiveness when my daughter joined the Catholic faith. Before reconciliation she was taught about asking for God's forgiveness. God forgives us of our sins however, to truly repent of your sins you need to ask for forgiveness. "Please forgive me father for I have sinned." It bears the question….do we need people to show full remorse in order to forgive them…like a prisoner applying for early parole or….do we just forgive people in order to move on in our life and gain peace. This video has tried to capture a great deal of emotion in a very short space of time. The son expressed himself through the written word but his father only expressed himself through tears and open arms. I feel the video let me down here. We only saw the one side where the son forgave him but no real response from the father. I think it is possible to forgive someone but the truth remains…..You have hurt me beyond measure. This is how I feel of my own situation. I still love my husband and only two days ago we told our 3 young children that we would continue to live apart. I told my husband what I wanted to say to the children and he said it for me. Despite what he has done he went up in my esteem at that time. He told the children "It is not your fault that we live apart. It is not Mummy's fault that we live apart. Mummy has always been supportive of Daddy and Daddy has let her down." How can I not forgive him when he speaks like this?? But the reason he speaks like this is because he knows I had already forgiven him!! That I remained supportive of him through everything, that I have acted with grace allows him to accept his role in what he has done to our family. But….I had already forgiven him so that he no longer had a form of control that I felt he had over me. It doesn't remove the hurt. What it allows is a peace to enter my life. He is who he is because of experiences that shaped his life as a young man. I expect that he should step up and be an adult now and the only time I have seen him behave in the manner of a fully awake adult was two days ago. Praise the Lord…there is hope. Forgiveness is a gift from GOD!!

As so many of you before me have said, forgivness is a process. A process that takes time. Sufficient time has not passed for me yet. I have not gotten to the point of acceptance. Acceptance that my life is forever changed, acceptance that true trust is forever gone, acceptance that true love is lost forever. My husbands infidelity is a constant reminder because of the incurable and painful STD that he brought to our relationship. The reminder is reinforced by the watchful eye of my doctor looking for signs of cancer. How does one forgive when there is this ever lingering reminder. How does one accept. More importantly, how does one leave when you know that no one will every want you with all this baggage. Life alone may not be worse. Life may simply not be worth it, period. Two years later I'm still crying. I'm still looking for answers. I am still so horribly sad. I don't believe in religion. A loving God would not allow this much pain to so many.

I found this deeply painful as both myself and my three children are all sufering from being REJECTED, ABANDOND,HATED, UNLOVED,UNWANTED, REPLACED by the one person we all LOVED, RESPECTED, TRUSTED, ADMIRED,FELT SAFE AND PROTECTED, my now EX husband has abandoned us for his own peersonal needs to the MANAGER OF THE MAREEBA POLICE CITIZENS YOUTH CLUB. He has been awarded trophies for his YOUTH TEAM! Istead of being proud of his achievements I say big bloody deal trophies don't replace your own family!!!!!HE has now recieved a promotion and moved to Townsville with the Whore that provided him with sexual fantasies/ comfort/fun adventure? My life or our lifes in tatters …..a novel I may eventually write that's if I can every get time to do so. I'm so tired and so are our children. Not only have we all lost quite a lot just like in the video but we have all been forced to do the jobs that where Peter's responsibility. with very little money and no family car. His mother dies and he refused to let me go to her funeral because of the whore being present. How can you forgive a person who is so low and has been given what he asked for at great cost to us all but is still a complate and utter bastard to you. The Police psycologist told me he will always be a bastard to you now, he has completely lost the plot and he also said Peter shows classic signs of passive aggressive disorder. I feel the Police department has failed to show duty of care to our family. The psycologist has now left and is specializing in Drug and Alcohol addiction of the Queensland Health department.

The movie is powerful maybe even more so because we see two grown men crying. The son makes harsh accusations "You" and then suddenly he switches and writes that he forgives the father. It does not seem healthy or realistic.
In my case, my pastor told me something that made a lot of sense at the time- that I need to forgive but not necessarily forget. The human brain does not forget that quickly, we tend to latch on to things that have had a powerful effect on us. However, forgiving someone is different. A person can choose to forgive in order to live in peace and love. With the help of God,I have forgiven my husband's infidelity and each day it gets better. I still get angry at times and feel the pain but that is because I have not forgotten. With time and with some effort, I will also forget.

The movie was pretty intense, but i feel the situation between parent ad child is not the best comparison between husbands and wives. The parent is responsible for your very existence , the husband is part responsible for your happiness. Husbands we choose and that deliberate choice is even more significant than those we had nochoice over like parents. I guess that's why my betrayal feels so painful . I choose you and you choose me, you were frree to choose another and ake a committment to and but you choose me made vowas and then broke them,

It's still hard to come to terms with

This video seemed artificial and contrived. The worst part of it is that it seems to create ungrounded expectations. Like, if you just confront the person who did unspeakable things and tell them how much they hurt you, they will even care. Who says? They may be in the same frame of mind as when they did the crime — only caring about themselves, dramatizing some crazy scene in their imaginations, completely outside rational thought. And if you spill your guts to them you will feel cheapened and ripped off and victimized all over again. And they'll get another chance to enjoy having stabbed you in the heart, figuratively, I hope. Then you dredge up some over propitiative emotional catharsis and say it's forgiveness.What? You don't need them to be there for that. Forgiveness happens later, after you've come to understand why people do crazy things and why you were there to be the target of some of it. You look back and realize, oh yeah, I've forgiven that one. Good. Well, I haven't forgiven that other one, and I don't have to and I never will. You may come to understand, but that's not the same thing. You or I don't owe anybody anything. Especially a criminal who was crazy to begin with and played me (or you) from the get-go to get at, say, our children. I don't need to forgive. That's between him and God, if He still wants him. My children will always bear the scars and as long as they do, he will not be forgiven by me. He wanted me to forgive him, as in, "Let him off scott-free," but while at the time, being young and naive, I said I did, I know now that I didn't, I don't have to, and I won't. Not everyone deserves it. Where there have been no amends, no changes, no sincere efforts to correct an aberrated mind and restore some good to society that he took away from us and it–no, forgiveness is a catch-word for "quit talking to us about your problems and act happy," and it isn't anything anybody else can or should tell you to do. If you do, you do it. If you don't, that's ok too. These things take time. Don't try to force it or rush it, or let some emotional video try to twist you into some feeling that you're not ready for. Take your time, learn what life has to teach you and if it happpens, nice. But the Christian assumption that you must imitate a Jesus-like instant cheek-turning is just a hybrid of psycho-babble and hypocrisy. You didn't see Jesus "forgiving" the money-changers in the temple. No, he kicked over their tables and drove them out with violence. And he didn't waste any sentimental tears over "forgiving" them. Some things just don't ever need to be thought of again. And that's ok, too! Grow up! Quit snivelling in front of a criminal and acting wimpy. Respect yourself and their attitude will get right and the right things will follow. Sentiment and superstition make a bad combination.

The film skips major steps and makes certain assumptions. My experience of forgiveness post infidelity is one of baby steps. First the cheater must understand the damage thay have perpetrated and than be given the space and oppotunity to move from shame and guilt to full personal responsibility. When the perpetrator, my husbad, was able to take responsibility the need of the offended spouse, me, to place blame and withhold forgiveness lessened until it truly outweighed the pain and distrust. I, of course, have skipped steps also. The process of truly taking responsibility for his actions has been a long and arduous one. It is not yet complete. I did not believe I would ever say this, however, I see us both becoming better people.

Forgiveness is not absolution. Forgiveness is not a gift to the wrongdoer. Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.

Anger at hurt done to us only serves only one purpose, to limit our lives going forward. Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves of letting go of that anger.

I read somewhere that anger at a wrong we have suffered is like carrying around a red hot coal in our hands. All it does until it leaves out hands is burn them. The only reason to hold that red hot coal is to have it there to throw at the wrongdoer hoping to harm them with it (revenge/punishment). And the relief from throwing it is just that it is no longer in our hands and they can start to heal. Forgiveness is choice to just drop the red hot coal and start to heal our hands without seeking retribution.

Some religious doctrine I have read confuses forgiveness and absolution. That is forgiveness removes guilt. Well the subtext which is not well explained is that God with all his power, in giving forgiveness, does absolve the wrongdoer of guilt. However the logic here is that, since we are not Gods, our forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer it gifts us simply with the right to heal ourselves by rejecting limiting anger.

To forgive I had to understand this subtle difference. By forgiving I was not saying what was done to me was alright or that the wrongdoer was without guilt. I was telling myself that I have the right to move on past the hurt and anger. I was able to accept forgiving her once I realised I was not absolving her of her wrongs. She will have to morally reconcile her wrongdoing with whatever higher power she believes in (even Karma) and seek her own absolution.

I love this response.. Acceptance rather than" pushing to use forgive.. Forgive…" beautifully said!!!

I find this video extremely moving and painful, yet I don't understand how the relationship between a father and son could be compared to the relationship between husband and wife. To be perfectly frank, I would have forgiven my father had he trashed me the way this son was rejected, as portrayed in this video. But as the love between father and son is different, so is the love between husand and wife. Since my own feeling for my parents are in some way sacred, I'd be the last person to understand what is underneath the skin of this young man in the video, but one thing is certain, he and his father are in deep pain. There doesn't seem to be any apathy on the part of the father, so he's capable of loving.

I truly believe that family issues, despite all their ugliness, can be resolved in a more conciliatory manner. Forgiving an affair, however — knowing that your wife, the person you love the most on this earth went to bed with another man — is like turning your whole life upside down. The pain is agonizing and the thoughs unrelenting. Yes, even as I write these thoughts I feel the pain.

One certainly can forgive but it's a painful mess getting there. Having forgiven has given me a choice of either accepting that person back into my life or beginning a new one. Forgiving is in essence liberating yourself from feelings that will mostly harm yourself.
After six months, I believe I have the upper hand.

Hey Shirley, you hit the nail on the head but your pain and aggressive words maybe clouded your message.

Forgiveness is not turning the other cheek. That is submission. Passively turning your head so the wrongdoer can hit the other cheek is not the way, that is no good for anyone. And aggressively seeking retribution from the wrongdoer for the first cheek can cause more harm than good. The best approach is to assertively protect yourself from further harm even if that means walking away or fighting to protect yourself or what is right, but not exercising your anger through retribution.

As you pointed out one needs to "grow up", "respect yourself" and be assertive with yourself and choose to let the anger go. I say here again, let go of the anger and not absolve or condone the wrongs done.

Exercising your anger through forgiveness is a personal experience. Different for each person and situation I'm sure. For as there is infinite combinations of experiences that make up a person, so to there will be an infinite number of responses to situations. Some may need the face to face closure that confronting the wrongdoer with their crimes gives (as seen in this movie), hence victim statements in courts. Some may get nothing from this and simply need time to quell the passion fire of anger.

In my case I knew I needed to be assertive with myself and let go of the anger that was driving my debilitating almost psychotic level of thinking. However the thought that she would get off scott free angered me even more. Then I thought that personally getting back at her was counter productive for me and for our children. So I knew I was going to leave retribution to Karma. Given that I was not going to try and harm her as punishment the anger I felt served no more purpose, I didn't need the motivation to lash out any more. And once I understood I was not absolving her by forgiving her I was fairly quickly and simply able to just let the anger go. Oh it took a few reminders to myself every now and again that this was my decision, but I got there.

I think the clip was quite moving. To show the father the cards and tell him just how much he hurt the boy made the fact that he forgave the father that much more powerful. It showed the father what it was costing the son to forgive and it didn't sugar coat the forgiveness and say forget it I forgive you. The son said you hurt me in this way and I forgive you.

Forgiving costs the forgiver everything. The forgiven pay nothing. That is the point.

I don't think we have to forgive. I think we have to let go. While watching this film, I got a call that my husband's mistress had represented herself as his wife at our gym. I don't think I have to forgive him or her for their irresponsible actions. I think I have to process the information for myself and decide what I want to do with it. I have to make sure that I don't allow what he/she did to continue to destroy my life. I have to understand my reactions and deal with them. I don't think forgiveness is a requirement. I think it's probably nice. Not mandatory. I heard someone say recently that we don't ever have to forgive. And I felt relieved. I'm not sure why, when I didn't do anything to deserve this treatment, I have to do something now. I don't think I have to DO anything that requires ANY more energy than I actually have.

Interesting as are many of the comments. One concern when I found my husband of 37 yrs and a dear friend were having an affair was as a Christian what does forgiveness look like in this situation. I received good counsel I believe, “1. Forgiveness doesn't try to inflict the punishment you think is needed”. The video needed to inflict pain it appears. I believe remorse or regret from the offender certainly can expedite peace/forgiveness but acceptance of the thing you can not change is important and so difficult, it is a process. “2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you need to still be “best friends” with the friend who betrayed you, but do no harm.” “3. you can not repair the relationship you had it is over you can only build again a new relationship. Would you want the old relationship back since she was a part of that relationship”? Again a process that is not easy. I liked the comment about how in death you have all your treasured moments to remember and the love is always there, in infidelity you loose everything.It has been 2 and half years and just a couple of mos ago I really found peace and that may have been due to a statement my husband made about regreting what had happened, he had never said that he regreted his affair up until that time. He tried to show it and does his best to make it up to me, but it was so healing to hear that he regreted what he had done.

Some good comments on forgiveness. I maybe just restating some of what has already been said but it's not for the offender that gets the benefits from forgiveness it's the offended. Anger and unforgiveness is like a toxin in your system. It robs you of enjoyment and occupies your thoughts. It eats away at you while the offender is out having "fun". It's like taking poison yourself and hoping someone else will die. It's not what you eat that kills you, it's whats eating you!The offender already hurt you enough don't let them keep hurting you! Forgiveness isn't minimizing, condoning, or letting the offender off the hook ether. It's just laying down the right to take revenge and to no longer let it have power over you and me.Yea, it isn't easy and it isn't something that happens overnight. It's a decision and a process, not a feeling, feelings change. There are days that I don't want or feel like forgiving. It's part of the process- just lay it down. You don't forgive and forget. If you touch a stove you don't forget that burn, but with time the sting will leave. If you keep reopening the wound by not forgiving you just make the emotional scar bigger. So forgive and remember so it doesn't happen again, or if it does, so you remember that you can get through it.
I'm still in the process myself and I feel I have come a long way. My divorce isn't yet final but it should be before the years end. Infidelity is what ended my marriage of 20 yrs, 6 children and countless good times. I walk away with my head high and no regrets. And believe it or not I have a good relationship with my no good lying cheating ex.:-)

WOW, I have left my computer on all day and have been reading other peoples responses. The similarities and differences are amazing. The one thing we all have in common is that we have suffered at the hands of our adulterous partners. We have lost so much and yet there is so much to gain. As dreadful as it is I have learnt so much about me, about life, about family, about friends, about people, about love, about what really matters, about understanding and …about forgiveness. Diamonds are created from pressure and I now consider myself a diamond. Maybe a diamond in the rough but a diamond nonetheless. I see all of you people who commented here as diamonds. Look at what you say and what you now know about life that you never knew before. Here we are, all discussing the meaning of forgiveness. It's a miracle that we are now so insightful. We are all on similar paths as we grow to become better people but….I wouldn't have wished this pain on my worst enemy. How is it possible to forget?? I don't think our brain is truly capable of forgetting, is it? Acceptance and letting go for our ownsake may be what forgiveness means to some. For others it may mean understanding the pain and suffering that our partners have hidden from us for so long and validating that without condoning the behaviour. Acting with dignity and grace has kept me sane. Wanting to be an example to my 3 children and teaching them to love people despite their shortcomings. I say to my children about many people in our lives…"We've just gotta love'em anyway."

Alan said:
"I think more damage is done after the affair by the way it is handled by the offending spouse than anything else."

I had the same experience. I knew a lot about my wife's frame of mind at the time I learned of her affair, so being a Christian like Jackie I fairly quickly offered forgiveness, with the naive assumption that it would help me heal fast and bring her back to me much quicker than if I "delayed" forgiveness until later. Boy was I wrong on both counts, for a time the affair escalated before it wound down a few months later. I eventually decided to UN-forgive her because of the continued denial and blaming me for everything.

That was 5 years ago, things eventually improved and I started more real healing a couple years ago after seeing this on a sign outside a church. "Forgiveness is giving up the idea of having a better past".
Yes, we never forget, but we can feel better about the future if we are not stuck in the past.

What is wrong in this world today. Was I blind in the past. Is it just because this has happened to me, that I see it all the time, or has the world gone crazy? I was married for 20 years, and never, ever would I have thought this would happen to me. Everyone would tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful and thoughtful husband. He did this 2 yrs ago and all I wanted was to get things back to normal. I was willing to forgive and try to forget. He has never admitted anything, and its all there. The viagra, the condoms, the correspondence with the other person, the violence the lies,etc. I think about this everyday, how the hell do you forgive when they wont even talk about it. Ive done well, as I did not sit back and stop living, but Ive have been waiting in my mind and heart for an answer and nothing. How do I get this out of my mind completley. Will another relationship help me forget someone that I loved and care about so deeply? I think he still loves me, as he does not communicate with our daughters either. And I know he loves them. Thats Life. That is my thought. Just keep living. Dont think I can go back, but I would like to resolve it and get my children back with thier dad, before its too late. I know its been hard on them. I dont think about it as forgiveness, but instead acceptance.

One person here commented on the silence part of the card-using, suggesting that we might be better if we didn't speak when in the pain of betrayal. I can embrace the idea that it's better to say nothing, than something bad. But, I could no more have not spoken the pain of that, then I could climb Mt Everest….I can't climb a mole hill…ha! Also, I see no response from the perp of the pain, no words/cards to indicate his emotions at all. To forgive without apology isn't forgiveness, it's enabling someone who hasn't even tried to acknowledge what their actions have done to the relationship or to offer to make amends. I think that even Jesus, the greatest of all forgivers, didn't do that. He accepted their humble acknowlegement of sin and the deisre to do right. He told them, "Go and sin no more." I see no response of the perp acknowledging what they did, or asking forgiveness, or saying that they won't do those same things again. So, where's the impetus to forgive here at all?

No one has mentioned that this is in a jail setting in a visitor's box. The father does speak at the end, but he is behind the plexiglass and cannot be heard. There is all kinds of symbolism here. Perhaps our betrayers are in their 'own' kind of prison as they 'act out' and most importantly when they realize the hurt they have caused.

Maybe it was irrelevant to the son what his father would say, but he needed to express what he went through and 'grow' by doing this face to face with the 'man' who had betrayed him. Once the words are 'spoken', it does seem to make the situation 'real'.

It could also be that this video is to express that BOTH parties ALWAYS pay for the betrayals, life is not fair. Perhaps showing that if a son could forgive his father for 'killing his own mother', that there is hope for all of us who are in this situation.

Seemingly, while incarcerated, the father could not continually demonstrate his remorse to his child (he does appear remorseful)or show his willingness to work on himself or even changes being made. So, for me, I choose to take this meaning from the video:
Whether or not the person who has hurt you is seeking help, remorseful, asking for forgiveness, in therapy, etc., we (the betrayed) MUST work on ourselves to move towards healing. This has a different meaning for many, some feel they have to forgive, some do not. There certainly are different understandings of the word "forgive", and that's OK. But I believe the point is to do what WE need to do, individually, to move forward. Unfortunately, what has been done to us cannot be undone. There is no turning back. Forward is all that we have.

If you are looking to continue your conversation on this topic or others, or are looking for an infidelity support group, please know I created one at: http://infidelity-support.ning.com/?xgi=gMHG8sg It has over 2,000 members and is active. the best,
Bob

I have a hard time with forgivness.I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS FOTHER JUST SETS THERE AN DOES NOTHING WHILE HIS SON IS HURTUNG SO MUCH

I was not moved one bit. Maybe I am still in the bitter pain part of my situation and can't believe anyone who would do those horrible things would have one ounce of guilt. I feel bad that the son feels he needs to forgive his father. He needs to accept that his father was evil and there is no understanding what he has done. I think the son needs to forgive himself for feeling he needs to forgive his father. Like I said, maybe I am just bitter still.

A pastor and several counselors told me that after my wife's second affair that I could say that I could forgive but it would still always be there, that I would never forget. Then several years later, as I was facing having brain surgery, she left me again. She stuck around just enough to try to sort of help. But basically treated me like crap the entire time. She has since moved out again, I am still recovering from my brain surgery, and she has filed for divorce. I fully believe that she is seeing someone else again. We just recently past (not celebrated) our 27th wedding anniversery. Being married always meant the world to me, but I guess she didn't feel the same way.
Guess that's not really much of a comment on the video, but it does feel good to get my story off my chest.

I totaly agree with you Kelly. After the discovery of my wife's affairs, she would try to turn things around on me, that she couldn't forgive me because of the angry things that I said upon the discovery/confrontation.

It does not seem that even by forgiving, the victim finds peace. The victim ends in suffering. It does not seems that forgiveness brought him healing.

Janice, I know exactly how you feel. My wife left almost 28 months ago after 29 years of marriage, divorced me in April of this year and i suspected she was with someone else. I only got conformation of it today and it is killing me. I`m sure it`s mid-life crisis but that doesn`t make it any easier. Doesn`t the hate overwhelm one? The thing is i keep loving her more every day and miss her more every day. Maybe now i can hate her enough to stop thinking of her so much. The courts dont help by granting divorces so easily.. Take care…..

After reading all the comments,I realized just how simalar all our stories are…yet we all come from different walks of life,but the love we had for our spouse and all we invested,we all suffered at the hands of the one we loved the most,I never knew such pain,anger,hurt,the list goes on!!serching for answers,thats what we all seem to be doing…I haven't yet found anything that works for me…3 years later and I still cry every day,of course every marraige is different,yet the pain from ADULTRY is the same….before my husbands affair,I never was on an infidelity site,I had no reason to go there,but I am thankful for all the good work DR.Huizenga does to help all of us.I need to find a peaceful place so I can feel better, this affair has taken a toll on me.I walk around NUMB.& STUCK!!!!! Love to all.

Shari,
you hit the nail on the head! I have endured the knowledge of infidelity from my husband for two years now. I have been struggling with my own feelings, flash backs, triggers, emotions etc. even though he is acting wonderful, faithful(?),trusting(?),loving, connected etc. I am dealing with the feelings of betrayel. I think I am moving towards ACCEPTANCE of his selfish behavior. But…forgiveness….why? He had choices and he chose to betray all that he has known and loved for 35 years of marriage. I still say how dare he, but as I said I am moving towards understanding and acceptance.I often wonder how this marriage can get better and rebuild but we do seem to be getting there. Trust is a big issue that never goes away!
You said it eloquently, much better than I ever could. Thank you.

I hate the word acceptance.At present I hold to the fact to face the infidelity mess one should not hide from it in order to heal,decide whatto do and move on with life.I choose the word acknowledge that someone you had trusted with every piece of your being can be so selfish…Acceptance leaves me feeling like I have to do something with my pain for the betrayer,if I choose to treat him like a human I've done more than he's done for me so far.Infidelity is the most savage,self centered,barbaric form of relationship rape one can inflict on another.I sincerely feel the betrayer doesn't love themself,needs to explore why they let go of their integrity,get unstuck from adolescence and grow or admeit to their spouse they are so stuck and give their spouse their first chance i a long time to have a say in what path the marriage should take..the choice that was taken from them when the betrayer took the marriage single handedly into their own hands.Way too much emphasis is placed on the role of the betrayed..why because they stayed committed in their relationship and vows? They are further responsible to continue to give?…Society places way too much emphasis on the women and what they are responsible for and how they have to keep fixing what the "little boys" in the world muck up.
The names associated with the women that partake in the affairs are condescending and dirty..the men are viewed as misunderstood.It is time to place an equal amount of responsibility on he men of the world and be held to a higher level..in other countries they stone the women..and the men get a pat on the back in most of the other countries.It may take 2 to create a bad marriage..but since 2 people are in the marriage why does one become so hopeless,unhappy..I say lack if character and self esteem..that is work that needs to come from the betrayer..not to allow them to keep running from REALLY getting in touch with themselves and their feelings and stop running and turn around and take honest notice of the beautiful person you wronged and stand up and remorsefully, in detail APOLOGIZE.How can they love someone..really,truly love someone if they really spend their time running from themselves and never fuly love themselves…For some reason God gives us these projects..maybe we are stronger and can show the lost person we married the way…Peace to all of us involved.Here's to a society where ethics, morals really mean something and your word is your bible.My heart continues to be on my sleeve for the man I never ,ever thought would do such a horrible thing..Still hangin in there..remembering a time when our love was pure for each other…

In this video, looks like the father's just feeling sorry for himself again. so selfcentred.

I feel for you. I know of one I suspect many we have been together 30years this came out 2years ago and supposably happened 15 years ago. I will probably never trust him again. It has changed me to my soul. I want to forgive but I just move on with a hole in me. We seem very happy but I will never be right with him again. I guess this is my LIFE