The case study below indicates a couple of those fears.

The fear of not knowing and feeling safe.

First, your fear may arise because you no longer feel safe in trusting yourself. It's difficult to trust your inner guidance and your thoughts since what you once thought was reality is called into question. This is especially powerful if your cheating husband or wife cuts him/herself off from you or presents a series of lies, mistruths, half truths or fabrications.

As well, your partner may be so tied to the affair that s/he no longer has a grasp on reality. Infidelity and extramarital affairs often live on the edge of delusions and illusions of what life is actually like.

And so, when talking to your spouse, s/he in his/her convictions may present an entirely different view of what's happening. And, s/he does so in a manner that is utterly and totally convincing, because s/he truly believes his/her perception to be the truth.

You may hear such phrases as.. "We’re just friends, I'm not doing anything wrong, what are you talking about?” o r, “You're jumping to conclusions."

Or, his/her actions are such that they convey that nothing is wrong. Business as usual. By looking at the cover of the book you would never guess a tragedy is unfolding. And s/he has no idea that that tragedy is unfolding as well.

And, to the extreme, you may hear from your cheating husband or wife, "I'm in love, aren't you happy for me that I finally found it?", or, "I deserve this – I've given so much, not it's my time." This is stated with a total disregard for your feelings or the impact those words have on you.

Your inner life, your esteem, your "groundedness" is thrown into chaos because you can't believe this is happening.

Afraid of the future.

And, you are afraid. Afraid you have lost it! Afraid you no longer have a compass that guides you. Afraid of the future and how you might manage it, since you've seemingly lost your bearings.

You then begin the process of putting together an inner world that gives some comfort. But, you are on your own. And, you make assumptions, not sure if those assumptions are valid.

The cheated upon wife below talks about the assumptions shed made and her doubts about trusting those beliefs.

Yesterday's blog was a comical, light hearted take on the issue of infidelity and gender.

If you are still curious as to the seeds of infidelity and the differences between men and women, here is a rather heady article that talks about the innate tendencies toward infidelity, whether they are learned or are genetically programmed.

It's been in the news lately. Each discipline has its slant on the origin and characteristics of infidelity.

For more on this subject go to, http://evolvingmind.info/blog/2010/02/gender-typical-responses-to-marital-infidelity-nature-or-nurture/

The following video is a comical take on the issue of gender and infidelity, discussing the misconception that men are more likely to cheat than women.

I received a number of emails saying, "I don't really get charging neutral. Tell me more. Give me more examples.

Let's work on this…

A characteristic of the skill charging neutral is almost always "making the other person right."

Ok, now take it easy. Make him/her right!!!??? Are you kidding me??

Hear me out.

In almost all cases of infidelity there are underlying motives, unfinished business, levels of immaturity, questions about adequacy, a sense of lostness or lack of purpose or direction that triggers the act of infidelity.

Infidelity is not a very healthy choice.
(The exception may be in the case of the sociopath – the "I Don't Want to Say No" type of affair – where one may run into one who is truly "evil" (if you want to use that word.)

"Making him/her right" means you develop the capacity emotionally disengage from your tendency to argue, blame, criticize, attack and form negative judgments about that person.

Give plenty of S P A C E and dig beneath the obvious. And, then hang on to your self as you truly take the risk of knowing this person.

Listen to this example of charging neutral and what happened:

My spouse told me many times that the low level of intimacy in our relationship made him insecure and he found some of the security with the OP.

One of the reasons for the feeling of not connected with me was that he mentioned was that he never really felt that we both truly knew each other.

Although I do not find it to be in any way a justification for cheating on me for two years (or longer), I thought it would be great to get to know each other a little bit better.

One evening we met up at a local restaurant. I asked if he would like to play a game (asking each other questions about our likes, dislikes and desires).

The game soon developed into a conversation about how he always desired to experience sexual freedom.

Had I not known that I needed to charge neutral, this conversation would have ended up in me screaming at him or crying (most possibly- both). I would get him all defensive and my goal (making him analyze himself with possibly reaching the realization of all the inconsistencies in his thought patterns) would be even further away.

Instead I remained calm and supportive. It was amazing to me how honest I could be, without him feeling rejected or judged. I did not praise him for anything, I was even able to tell him how I felt about the issue.

He actually felt more understood and relaxed after the conversation. He even shared with me that he realizes wanting things that are mutually exclusive (me and the sexual freedom).

We still have a long way to go, and the future is uncertain, however, if there is anything that makes me hope at all it would be the charging neutral skill.

I can imagine that using the neutral charge in communication would be one of the building blocks of a truly honest and loving relationship.

More words from those who have been there and done that…

It helped me identify the type of affair my partner had, and to understand why, even when he ended the affair, he continued to stay emotionally attached to the woman. I tried for 6 months to "make it work"; we went away on holidays, went to dinner, talked and talked. I thought we were getting things back together. However, after a lovely walking weekend, dinner etc, I said to him "Are you over 'her' now?” To which he replied 'No, I still miss the affair and the possibility of a different future"……. I flipped, and asked him to move out, I had never felt so angry, used and abused….. I then downloaded your book, and with the help of a very good counselor, I finally 'get it'… recovery from this affair… is about finding out who I am, and what I want, and if I actually want this relationship. My self-esteem is growing; I find I can live on my own. I find I have lots of great friends and supportive teenage children. I have now said that I do not want any contact with my partner for at least 3 months. It's time for him to see how it feels without me. He is having counseling too. I feel whatever decision we come to will be for the right reasons, and will be an informed decision. In the meantime I tell myself everyday 'I'm going to make it'…..

This course has helped me realize that I need to focus on and put all my energy into helping ME. I've wasted so much time, energy & tears on my ex-husband, hoping that he'd get bored with 'her' & realize how much he misses the wonderful life (at least, I thought it was wonderful, denial?) he had with his 'real family'. But, that's not going to happen so I need to move on, start over & enjoy a 'different' life. I know he misses me & the life he had, just not enough. This course was 'dead on' when it came to things to say & not to say. It was almost like you were listening in on my life!! Everything you said not to say, of course I said it & vice versa. I know now that in the end, I did do the right thing in telling him that it was no longer his decision. I told him he was not welcome here anymore in the middle of the night when he was done with her or when she threw him out or if he had a change of heart, whatever the reason. He had to leave now & I was divorcing him. My decision!! I went to work one day, told my boss I needed to work full time b/c I needed the medical benefits & that was that. I miss him every minute of everyday but I will make it b/c I have wonderful kids, family & friends that care. And, I am determined to show him that my life is better than his miserable life. That's a little bonus!! Thanks doc for all your advice.

Most commonly refer to it as an emotional affair. The emotional affair best corresponds to my affair type #4 (out of 7 unique types of affairs): "I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love."

Here is an interview of a psychiatrist who talks about the emotional affair.

It is a good overview of the characteristics of an emotional affair, and might be helpful for someone who feels an attraction to someone and questions whether s/he is having an emotional affair.

This is a true story.

If you are a philanderer, beware.

Watch this video of women conspiring to exact their revenge (or "stick it to him.")

Please do not take notes while you watch this video.

Is there anything that disturbs you about this video on forgiveness?

It certainly stirs the feelings.

Watch the video and leave a comment on what you think about this process of "forgiving."

Next week in my newsletter I will let you know what I think. Sign up for any ecourse or free report and you will be added to my newsletter, if you are not subscribed.

If you are offended by rough, coarse bad language, including the f-word, don't watch this video.

A little humor helps to put things in perspective. I got a kick out of this video, sent to me by one of my therapist colleagues. (Do you suppose we see the worst side too much? )

Anyway, again, don't go near this if you find bad language insulting, 'cause this video is filled with it!

what does it take to heal from infidelity? There are many turning points and "ah ha" moments along that way that change the course of one's feelings, thoughts and perhaps the course itself of the infidelity.

Here are some comments from readers of Break Free From the Affair as they relay their turning points or insights that accelerated their healing from infidelity.

I am still reading and rereading your book. I have learned a lot about the different types of affairs and am grateful to discover that my husband's truly was a one-time episode and has a very good prognosis. I am an RN married to a psychologist. I found your book after I had already discovered the affair, and had unfortunately gone through many of the behavioral 'mistakes' you described. I now realize how those behaviors only made things worse. I felt like I didn't even know who he was after 23 years of marriage. But in our situation, when my medical results from testing I had (after he had assured me I 'didn't need to have anything done') came back positive, I was so glad I had finally made the choice to take care of myself. This gave me the strength to realize and tell him that, whether we stayed together or not, I would come out of this okay- more than that, I would continue to relearn how to take care of myself and become the stronger person that I knew was inside of me – a better role model for our children. With that medical news he suddenly discovered the ripple effect of his actions and how he actually had put my life in danger. In doing so he, literally overnight in our case, rediscovered his conscience, broke off contact with his OP (who lives in a distant state) after sharing the medical news as mandated by the situation and has recommited himself to our marriage and our family. As you say, I always lived by the mistaken belief that taking care of myself was 'selfish'. I began individual counseling and have thus far made a great deal of progress in the areas of self esteem and assertiveness. I am making the decision daily to forgive my husband, to stay in this relationship, and together we are pledging to rebuild our marriage to be better than it ever was before. I am discovering that these decisions do get easier as the months go by. So far he is living up to this commitment and continues working hard to rebuild the trust in our relationship.

Charging nuteral seems to be very effective. This is not my preferred communication style, although it should be.

- realized it was much more complex than I originally thought – gave different persectives to help frame the reason behind the affair