Coping with a cheating spouse who continues seeing the other person, even though the affair is in the open, often involves a high level of ambivalence.
Dr. Huizenga describes that ambivalence and offers powerful ways to verbalize that ambivalence to the cheating spouse.
As well, he talks about the importance of shifting the focal point and asking yourself THE question.
It’s often like pulling teeth… or worse.
And, you want it so badly…
• To know what he thinks
• A connection – something!
• You’ve tried everything
• You feel so alone and rejected
90% of those I coach want ‘something’ from their spouse, but struggle and fail to get it.
You are NOT alone.
I researched the topic and 373 of my readers shared what worked and what did not.
Note their responses. Learn from others. Welcome their input.
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Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.
To All:
If you are early and have a question, feel free to enter it here…
steve (to All):
yes
Beth (to All):
yes
Bonnie (to All):
yes
Gen (to All):
yes
Beth (to All):
my husband told me that he wants to end work emotional affair but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or her “not like her’ AFFAIR FOG?
Gen (to All):
my husband came back after 3 months of no silence after my affair and we spent several days together. however, he kept saying that our marriage is over, to not talk about the problems and see where it goes, and that he misses me. but he also talks about how he’s seeing other people. there’s one girl in particular that I was concerned about and found that he was talking a lot to her while he’s been with me. I really wanted to work things out and was transparent with him but his anger
Beth (to All):
YES
Gen (to All):
is is preventing us to communicate. what should I do? I feel like the other woman and he’s giving me mixed signals
Beth (to All):
YES
Gen (to All):
he keeps saying that we’re divorced and I have no right to look into this.
Beth (PRIVATE):
he told me yesterday he has tried to end it a couple of times. my guess is he is high on emotion and yes worries about her.
Beth (PRIVATE):
yes
Beth (PRIVATE):
not in reality
Gen (to All):
yes
Gen (to All):
it’s not allowing me to talk
Gen (to All):
yes
Gen (to All):
but I really wanted to work it out
Gen (to All):
right now we’re not talking
Gen (to All):
I told him that I can’t lose my self respect and dignity because he’s been lying to me this entire month and he told me to never come around
Gen (to All):
should I just give him space
lilly (to All):
How do I handle the additional betrayers? Those who supported my husband affair through keeping of secret & lies, using their phones, apartments to meet/hook up w/AP. He continues his relationship with these individuals as if nothing happened. I have tried to put boundaries in place
Steve (to Presenter):
I’m on the other side of “Gen”, i.e. wife affair with boss, D Day + 10 weeks. Like Gen’s husband, I’m full of anger towards her. She keeps saying “I need time and space”. I bring up “steps to recovery” and she refuses to go there, i.e. share passwords, send “its over” message, answer questions I have. She doesn’t give me any hints positive or negative.
steve (to All):
Same question as Lilly – friends of my wife not friends of the marriage……..
Steve (to Presenter):
More than likely, I’m pushing her further away with my anger. Going in opposite directions and I’ve even started dating. While I feel liberated in many respects, after the affair I just “can’t be myself” around her anymore.
lilly (to All):
sure
Kaatjie (PRIVATE):
My husband has shown great remorse, but affair was 2.5 years long with great lengths and lies to keep deception. other women was my nanny and in my house every day. i get triggered by so manny things every day. things in my house that she touched. pictures of my kids at the age that it happened. when my husband becomes distant I feel like I am going nuts. 2 years post d day. how do i get sane. i feel like i will not ever trust anyone again
Bridgette (to All):
no answer would be good enough lilly
Carla (to Presenter):
Could the process you just described for managing triggers also be used by the spouse who is having the affair when he thinks negative thoughts about the marriage?
tami (to All):
Thank you, aways learn something.
Kathy (to All):
thank you
(Right click the button above and select “Save Link As…” to download the audio file)
Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.
Lori Johnson (to All):
yes
Simon (to All):
yes
Kathy (to All):
yes
Todd (to All):
spoke with you couple weeks ago had trouble with sound on my end but after struggling for a year of knowing she had the affair last week I uncovered some emails she sent another guy back and forth for a couple of months after the other affair had ended. she had also told me she forgot about these that it was just a game she was playing with him since he lived so far away. I just don’t know how to trust and believe her anymore
Todd (to All):
she tells me no end game for her
Todd (to All):
they mean nothing
Todd (to All):
but now she’s showing me she wants me just looking for way to believe her that she wants me and only me
Todd (to All):
well she promises me now this were huge mistakes and will never happen again but also promised me before an affair she could never do this
Todd (to All):
yea
Todd (to All):
yes
tami (to All):
Affair is over X 1 year, in almost every way my husband acts “normal”, tells me that days go by without him thinking of it and he wants me to “move on”. How is this possible for the cheater to just sweep it all under the rug? He has done some talking of the affair but now pretty much shuts down at any mention and will not discuss any further. Is basically taking the “actions speak louder than words” response and just wants to move on with our life.
Gen (to All):
i had an affair earlier this year and I told my husband. we tried reconciling but we didn’t see a marriage counselor. I truly felt guilty and disgusted in myself but I’m such an emotional person that my actions didn’t match with what I felt inside. I slowed communications with the OM but I didn’t cut it all off, which is dumb of me. my husband couldn’t take it so he left and I haven’t spoken to him at all for 3 months. we have no kids, and I truly want to save my marriage. I feel that not seeing him led me to think more logically but I feel as though it’s too late
Gen (to All):
is it too late for me to do something or reach out to him?
Gen (to All):
he blocked me from phone calls, hasn’t answered my texts or emails
Gen (to All):
and he would tell me that it’s over and I should move on since he had a new life. basically was the last thing I’ve heard from him
Lori (to All):
i’m 2 ys out from d-day, is it part of the process to go through a beleif that “i’m through the process of grief and trauma of the affair but now all of a sudden i’m thinking i don’t want to stay in the relationship. not because of the affair but because of the relationship and the man seperate from the affair. Is it possible this is just a natural part of the process of healing from the affair? should a give it time to see if this sense moves through me?
tami (to All):
no, unable but can type
tami (to All):
“It just happened”, mid life crisis affair.
tami (to All):
Yes, he doesn’t like to see me in pain. Wants to ignore it.
tami (to All):
thank you
Jd (PRIVATE):
hi bob, this is my first time call and very difficult for me to do. around this time last year and summer her behavior became very different almost one of entitlement. we have two young children and have done typical counseling upon my finding of an affair with a coworker (she said it was only emotional however I have my reservations and concerns it was more via the vast “indicators and evidence” I had encountered. I am fully disabled and have been a stay at home dad with our children since they were born. she has never apologized for the affair and I did tell her that no matter what the truth I would never leave and break up our family, I just need the truth (which I still haven’t received).
Mike P. (to All):
Dr. Bob, I didn’t see you outline an exit affair in your list of the 7 types of affairs. Do you believe that these typically fall under the other types that you have outlined?
tami (to All):
Lori – I have these feelings as well. Thank you for asking this. I too wonder if this is a normal feeling following the trauma.
Caroline Scheirer (to All):
Hi Bob, how can i get my husband open up and talk about his affair and confront it? D-day was 3 months ago and he only ended the affair about 2 weeks ago and stated he wanted to stay in our relationship. He is not the kind of personality to confront his feeling or talk about them, but i need that to move on.
Lori (to All):
very much so! thank you
Katherine (to All):
My husband had at least an emotional affair. In the middle of it he told me he didn’t love me anymore and suggested divorce. He denied the affair for a long time until I found something on our computer that showed his strong feelings for the OW. He said he’d end it, but didn’t so I talked to the OW and I believe she ended it. This was December. He still sees the OW regularly through a shared volunteer activity though. He initially tried to blame me for the affair (marriage made me do it), but said he wanted to work on the marriage. However, recently he says he’s not sure what he wants and that he doesn’t always like being around me because I’m a reminder of his shortcomings. I’ve offered forgiveness, compassion, etc. and he tells me that I haven’t contributed to his feeling this way, but we’re not making progress. If he really is mired in shame, how do I address this?
Jd (PRIVATE):
at the time of discovery she was “all in” doing and saying whatever she could to make our marriage work. I spent a ton of $$ , time and effort to get us away to be alone to dedicate time to us and continue to make sure I do as much as possible emotionally and physically. of late again she has become very distant and says things like I (me) don’t understand how much damage I have caused and that I am an awful husband, controlling etc. her family has always been a point of contention in that they enable her behavior to assist in covering up and encouraging her to continue to maintain distance from me. they do as much as possible to try and belittle me. we live very Close to them and we are summoned to go to her moms house multiple times per week, no less than one.
Caroline Scheirer (to All):
great, thank you
Alex Winer (to All):
If wife separated 7 months ago and carrying on her affair. What are my steps?
Jd (PRIVATE):
everytime we go over there my children get physically hurt by her siblings children and nothing is ever addressed. the latest was my nephew who is 10 and 130lbs and when they were in the pool and he tho
Carla (to All):
My husband who is having an affair says that he views everything about our marriage in a negative light. I thought our marriage was quite good — we had some of the usual difficulties – but overall my feeling is that it was very positive. How can I get him to remember the positive things about our relationship?
Jd (PRIVATE):
thought no one was watching tried to drown her, holding her head underwater until I went sprinting out (falling in the interim because of my back issues) and NO ONE WOULD SAY A WORD TO THIS CHILD. my wife wouldn’t even interview
Jd (PRIVATE):
intervene
Katherine (to All):
Thank you.
Jd (PRIVATE):
I’m at my ropes end as she continues to distance
Kathy (to All):
Thank you
Carla (to All):
thanks!
