In
my coaching I often ask someone, "What do you REALLY want
to say to him/her?" Often the tenor of the words runs in
one of two paths: "I want to rip you to shreds for what you
did!" or said sweetly, "I love you and let's work on
the relationship." And, of course, it's often a combination
of the two - bouncing back and forth, first from one direction
and then another.
But
these are surface, reactive, scared, and angry words. We try to
get underneath those words to what REALLY wants and perhaps needs
to be stated. That's where your freedom and power begins to emerge!
Below
is an example from Stephanie who struggles with "My Marriage
Made Me Do It" kind of affair. She tries to persuade him
to not give up on the marriage. She attempts to pull conversation
and intimacy from him. She apologizes and defends her past actions.
Here's
what Stephanie says she wants to say to him:
First
of all, I want you to listen because you're not listening to me,
to your family or to God. It feels like you've turned your back
on all of us. It feels as though you're being incredibly selfish
and that you have no idea of how you will fracture the lives of
your children, of me, and of your family.
I
hear you blaming me over and over again for 11 years of hurt and
hardship, but you don't see that I too suffered during that time
and that we were both wallowing in the darkness of depression.
I've done something about this for myself, but you won't recognize
it and take any action. You are like Hamlet just sitting on his
ass and waiting for a sign while his life turns to hell all around
him.
You
say that for 11 years you communicated your despair to me, but
we were in the midst of so much life-stress -- of surviving financially
and raising our children and holding down such difficult and demanding
jobs.
We
were so far away from our families and we completely isolated
ourselves from friends and family, so much so that your only friendship
turned into a love affair.
I
can't believe the hurt I feel that you betrayed me and your family
in this way. Can you not hear our cries of pain at what you've
done to us? I'm so sorry that I didn't hear your cries before
now.
Now
I want to make things right and I am doing all that I can to be
healed and to be the whole person that God meant for me to be.
But you will not accept this change and this love that I offer
to you. I now offer you the emotional intimacy that you say was
missing but you just push it away.
This
is so hypocritical and it makes me wonder whether you ever wanted
it in the first place or whether you're even capable of the kind
of emotional intimacy you so desire. What are you doing? Do you
not see yourself and the terrible suffering you're causing to
you, to your family who loves you so much? You -- who pride yourself
on your sensitivity -- have now become one of the most hardened
people I've ever known.
Don't
do this. Don't throw your life, and the lives of your children
into never-ending turmoil. Don't destroy us. I love you with all
that I am and as I learn to love myself, I love you more.
I
will not take the easy road out. I will endure as much suffering
as you throw my way, even if it takes another decade to get through
it. I will not hurt my children by getting a divorce because I
know that there is the possibility of healing if we commit to
it. But this choice is now yours.
I
can do nothing else but just be here to love you and care for
you every day. My life is in transition and I'm learning a new
way of enjoying this world and all that's been given to me. I
will not squander this. I have nothing to lose and everything
to gain.
Below
is my interpretation of what Stephanie REALLY wants to say to
him. Notice the skills I model: focus on Stephanie and not him,
have Stephanie state her position in a clear unequivocal way and
have Stephanie make comments about the relationship, not him.
I
know, I know, easier said than done! But hey, we all start somewhere.
And, it is a journey. We can always learn to say something with
more clarity, depth, richness and power!! This enables us to get
what we REALLY want.
I
will tear apart her above statement. Her statement will be in
bold, mine in plain text.
Here
we go.
Stephanie:
First of all, I want you to listen because you're not listening
to me, to your family or to God.
Bob:
(what she REALLY wants to say) I need to be heard and acknowledged.
I need my pain and confusion to be acknowledged. This is a very
difficult time for me, to say the least. I need you to hear that.
That's all I mean by "listen." When I say, "listen"
to me, I don't mean do what I say or want. I don't want your listening
to me to feel like a trap for you. I sense sometimes that you
think that way. Perhaps my intensity frightens you and you want
to back away. It frightens me sometimes.
Stephanie:
It feels like you've turned your back on all of us.
Bob:
I feel so removed from you. Our relationship seems so different,
like the rules have changed. I watch you carefully and I'm not
sure who you are right now. Perhaps you are not sure either, and
I guess I'm not so sure who I am as well.
Stephanie:
It feels as though you're being incredibly selfish and that you
have no idea of how you will fracture the lives of your children,
of me, and of your family.
Bob:
I'm concerned about our children. I'm concerned about what will
happen to them, to me, to you, to the two of us. I wonder if you
care as deeply as I do. I'm sure you do, but I don't see it sometimes
and that scares me.
Stephanie:
I hear you blaming me over and over again for 11 years of hurt
and hardship, but you don't see that I too suffered during that
time and that we were both wallowing in the darkness of depression.
Bob:
I'm tired of the attacking, blaming, defending…the vicious
cycle which seems to trap us. We don't seem to connect, especially
when the pain is intense. We go round in circles. I'm very fragile
right now and I hear words of blame very easily. Perhaps I too
look back and doubt myself - I could've, should've done so many
things differently. It seems as if we really were unable to be
there for each other and break through the wall that separated,
and still separates us.
Stephanie:
I've done something about this for myself, but you won't recognize
it and take any action. You are like Hamlet just sitting on his
ass and waiting for a sign while his life turns to hell all around
him.
Bob:
I would hope we could walk through this side by side somehow.
I feel so vulnerable sometimes. I wish someone strong and decisive
could take me by the hand. At the same time, I know this is a
journey I must take and face on my own. No one can do it for me.
This is a test and challenge for me. I have to do something, and
I am. I am determined to survive and more than survive, use this
as an opportunity to grow. I truly hope you can do the same.
Stephanie:
You say that for 11 years you communicated your despair to me,
but we were in the midst of so much life-stress -- of surviving
financially and raising our children and holding down such difficult
and demanding jobs. We were so far away from our families and
we completely isolated ourselves from friends and family, so much
so that your only friendship turned into a love affair.
Bob:
As I look back, I felt so terribly overwhelmed and responsible,
like I had to hold it all together, in the midst of some huge
challenges. I gave so much energy to that. Maybe I heard you,
maybe not. I'm not sure. Maybe I heard part of it. Maybe I didn't
take the time to listen. Maybe I don't know how. Maybe other things
seemed more important to me. I suppose I needed your words to
be stronger or clearer. That says just as much about me as you.
Stephanie:
I can't believe the hurt I feel that you betrayed me and your
family in this way. Can you not hear our cries of pain at what
you've done to us?
Bob:
I can't think of anything else that would hurt more right now.
The thought of you being with someone else stirs up feelings and
thoughts that are incredibly powerful. They won't go away. I try
to control them. I try to move on. I never thought it would feel
and be this powerful. I feel so rejected, so unwanted, so unworthy.
How do I deal with all this? I will. I know I will. But I'm not
sure how, some days.
Stephanie:
I'm so sorry that I didn't hear your cries before now. Now I want
to make things right and I am doing all that I can to be healed
and to be the whole person that God meant for me to be.
Bob:
I look back and kick myself. I remember times when I could have
said or done something that would have responded to you differently.
This is a huge wake-up call for me. I'm really questioning what's
important and how I respond to the cries of others. I am determined
to use this experience to be a better person, whatever that might
look like.
Stephanie:
But you will not accept this change and this love that I offer
to you. I now offer you the emotional intimacy that you say was
missing but you just push it away.
Bob:
It seems like the roles have changed. You once pursued and I backed
away. Now the shoe is on the other foot. How does this happen?
Do you see this? I wonder if you want me to feel how you used
to feel? Put together you backing away when I want to be close
and the thoughts of rejection when I think of you and the other
person, and it's not a pretty picture for me.
Stephanie:
This is so hypocritical and it makes me wonder whether you ever
wanted it in the first place or whether you're even capable of
the kind of emotional intimacy you so desire. What are you doing?
Bob:
Do you supposed both of us where scared to death of being vulnerable
and truly intimate with each other? We just handled it differently?
Stephanie:
Do you not see yourself and the terrible suffering you're causing
to you, to your family who loves you so much? You -- who pride
yourself on your sensitivity -- have now become one of the most
hardened people I've ever known. Don't do this. Don't throw your
life, and the lives of your children into never-ending turmoil.
Don't destroy us.
Bob:
I care about you. I love you. I want the best for you, whatever
that might be. I want this to end. I want this to end for you,
for me and for the children and family. I get so frustrated. Why
does it have to be so hard? I don't understand. I don't want this
to destroy you. Or me. Or the family.
Stephanie:
I love you with all that I am and as I learn to love myself, I
love you more. I will not take the easy road out. I will endure
as much suffering as you throw my way, even if it takes another
decade to get through it.
Bob:
I will make it. I am persistent. I don't give up. I will hang
in there. I'm not a person to cave in easily. Never have. Never
will. You will not get rid of me easily.
Stephanie:
I will not hurt my children by getting a divorce because I know
that there is the possibility of healing if we commit to it. But
this choice is now yours. I can do nothing else but just be here
to love you and care for you every day.
Bob:
I will continue to love you and show that love in ways that honors
you and your struggle. It will not be a smothering love, but a
love that grows each day in its ability to care about those deepest
parts of you that you struggle with. It will be love that honors
all the parts of you. A love that sees beneath the surface of
all that is happening and tries to be aware of what you truly
desire.
Stephanie:
My life is in transition and I'm learning a new way of enjoying
this world and all that's been given to me. I will not squander
this. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Bob:
I am attempting to love myself in the same ways. I am attempting
to peel all away that was bound by fear and uncover the real me
who has a great capacity to love and enjoy life.
Do
you get a "feel" for different flow and emphasis? It
can make a dramatic difference in how you feel and think about
yourself and you most likely will see different responses from
your partner.
A
word of caution: These set of skills work best with these kinds
of affairs: My Marriage Made Me Do It, I Want to Get Back at Him/Her,
I Need to Prove my Desirability and I Want to Be Close to Someone…which
means I can't stand intimacy.
Different
strategies are called for with these kinds of affairs: I Can't
Say No, I Don't Want to Say No, and I Fell Out of Love…and
just love being in love.
Wishing
you the best,
Bob
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