I Have No Life

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Infidelity Quickie: Affair Aftermath – I Have No Life

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

Surround yourself with people who affirm you, people you know (intuitively) who give you accurate input.
(You) treat with care the part of you that feels powerless.
Begin to rate your feeling of powerlessness on a scale of 1-10. Notice changes daily or hourly. Note what happens to alter that feeling.
Read my free mini-ebook, “The Need to Know.”
Respect and embrace the part of you that needs things “in order” and “understood.”

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

I would like to have a discussion with you without it turning into an argument. I assume you would like that too.
It seems you have a difficult time dealing with me, especially regarding my need to know. I can understand that. I’m having a hard time dealing with me (said with smile on face.)
I feel like I’ve lost so much. I feel so lost. And, I must find my way through this. I know you can’t do it for me. Although I would appreciate you being there for me in particular ways.
I can’t trust myself anymore. I doubt my gut, I doubt and question what I think. It’s awful. Would you please be willing to acknowledge that with me?

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Is Jealousy a Problem?

Jealousy is the green monster that rears its head sometimes most powerfully when confronted with infidelity.

It consumes your thinking.

It drains your energy.

It robs you of your personal power and you react with vengance, which only further removes you from what you really want.

Need I say more? If you struggle with it, you know its power.

I have a wonderful resource that speaks specifically to overcoming jealousy.

It’s especially helpful:

To take your mind off (even temporarily) the negative thoughts and images
To keep you focused on your personal growth (a VITAL must with infidelity)
To change the patterns that prove hurtful and destructive to what you really want

My friends and online colleagues Susie and Otto Collins put together a gob of resources targeting jealousy. Susie and Otto have been there, done that, and they’ve dedicated their lives to providing tools that help people create intimate and wonderful relationships. Plus they are wonderfully warm and gracious people.

You can’t go wrong with Susie and Otto.

Here’s just a taste of what No More Jealousy brings to the table:

What jealousy really is and what you have to do to overcome it.
What the two kinds of jealousy are and how you can keep them from ruining your relationships
The negative belief that almost every couple has about jealousy that actually reinforces and perpetuates the feelings of jealousy
The single biggest thing you MUST do in order to heal the jealousy issues in your relationships (This is not what you think)
One simple mind-shift that you can do any time, any where, that can stop jealousy cold in its tracks
How you can heal ANY jealousy issue in your relationships
The underlying cause of ALL jealousy problems
Why no one is born the “jealous type” and how to deal with the issue of jealousy in our lives
The 7 biggest myths about jealousy and why isn’t it a good idea to buy into them
The two kinds of jealousy and how you can handle them
What to do when you have a jealous partner
Powerful new exercises you can use any time, any where, to calm yourself when jealousy comes up for you
The “critical step” in healing jealousy
How you identify and let go of any patterns within you that trigger your jealous feelings
What you can do if your partner or spouse cannot (or won’t) see their part in this issue
How you can build more trust in your relationship
New tools for shifting into a more positive and loving space when jealousy comes up
And much, much more…