Infidelity Quickie #8: Cheated Three Times - Who's In Control?
by Dr. Robert Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one's spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The "offended spouse" says:

IMPACT --- * FEEL INFERIOR, LESS OF A MAN, BEATEN, A FOOL. * USED * BETRAYED * SAD --- CHANGE --- * NO FAITH IN MARRIGE OR WEMON * BROKEN HEART (X3) THAT MAY NEVER HEAL * NO TRUST FOR MY WIFE --- SPENDING TIME --- * EXCERCISE/WIEGHT LIFTING/TAKING CARE OF MYSELF * CONSTANT SURVEILANCE; CELL PHONE BILLS/COMPUTER * PONDERING LIFE WITH A REAL COMPANION. This is the third time I have been cheated on. My current wife an I are still together but it is not the same. She wants me to forgive her. She has no idea what this has done to me. I am a good looking and successful man, yet she had a fling anyway with another married man at the urging of whom were once her friends. She is not capable of taking care of herself. In fact she was fired for lack of performance and "misuse" of the internet at work. This was most likely the e-mails she was exchanging with the other man. Her former employer liked me very much; however, they had their reasons to fire her. She is now a house wife now. I feel she is waiting for Mr.Wonderful ($) to come along a rescue her. In the meantime I have developed an insecurity problem and am trying to deal with this the best I can. I think she really does love me but she does this because she can't help it. Time will tell. I don't think I have control of this one.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

• Acknowledge that fact that you offer a tremendous amount of stability, something which most likely is very attractive to her.
• Acknowledge the fact that she has some underlying problem (a history which includes abuse? Or a history in which others overindulged her but were emotionally absent?)
• List 10 things you want in a good marital relationship.

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