11 Stubborn Barriers to a Relationship Makeover
11 Stubborn Barriers to “Makingover” Your Relationship – Healing the Deep Wound
By Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
Your relationship has suffered a deep wound. Both of you have a level of commitment to “make it work.” The OP is out of the picture – a least to a large degree.
You know there is a crisis. You know you must “get at” the problem. Now is the time. If you don’t address the crisis NOW, in some way, you know the chances for having a vibrant rich relationship are spiraling downward.
Efforts to “makeover” your relationship demand a fair degree of feeling safe with one another.
Often this is not the case.
Barriers to safety need attention before any “makeover,” resolution or joint decision making can occur. Often you are not aware of the specifics of the barriers. Or, you have a difficult time addressing them.
The barriers or walls sit in the background casting their debilitating shadows.
Your intentions may be pure. But, once you face each other, the barriers quickly squelch the hope for any positive outcome. In reality you think, “Here we go again. The same-o-same-o.” You feel defeated.
Below, I’ve listed 11 common barriers.
1. I want to talk, he/she doesn’t.
2. I’m afraid of finger-pointing, judgment. I will become the “bad person.”
3. The conversation will eventually turn to “what I did wrong” or “how I caused this problem.”
4. I’m fearful I will back down, give in and then pretend that things are fine.
5. I don’t want to hurt his/her feelings.
6. I don’t know how to put into words what I want to say.
7. I’m afraid “it” won’t work. Then what? I’d rather not face that.
8. I don’t want to talk about the past, but think I will have to.
9. We can’t (really don’t want to) find a time to get together.
10. I don’t feel safe. He/she might use what I say against me at some point.
11. I feel guilty, awful. I can’t get past that.
Here’s a tip. Begin to address these barriers by talking about them. Rank order the list with #1 being the most stubborn barrier. Compare lists. See if you agree.
Begin to talk about the barriers. Listen, without judgment, as your partner talks about his/her perceptions.
Addressing the “processes” in your relationship rather than the “content” is often a fruitful starting point.
Here’s how you can help. If you are in the process of healing the wound, what is working for you? Others could use your input. There’s not a lot of good practical information out there, so your input is like gold.
and respond to the question: List 2-3 things you did to help you as a couple heal the wound.
I and others will appreciate your effort.
Focus on Self-Care so You can More Powerfully “Charge Neutral.”
I’m big on self-care.
An extramarital affair demands tremendous energy and often throws your life off a healthy track – which further perpetuates your inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.
Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with infidelity. Use exercise and good nutrition to give you more confidence and control.
I’ve had a long online relationship with Chad Tackett who offers great online help for self care.
Chad wrote me and said he is offering an E-book, “Ultimate Fitness Secrets Revealed,” written by his Motivation Expert and Success Coach, Dr. Frank Smoot. It’s very well-written and he sells it normally for $27.97, but he just signed an agreement whereby we can offer it on Break Free From the Affair, absolutely free of charge!
Accelerate your Healing and Marriage Saving
If you want to move more quickly through your pain and mend your self and your marriage, sign up for one of our coaching packages.
Unhook yourself from the blind spots and move ahead not around in circles. Jen and I will support you, encourage you, love you and help plan a way to break free.
You might want to hurry, because when the new E-book, “Infidelity Recovery – Marriage Makeover” comes out, the coaching prices will go up.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week
over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Check out the coaching packages.
We hope this newsletter has provided some support and guidance as you embark on an relationship makeover.