Infidelity Discovered: “I Need My Space!” Say What?!
by Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
When infidelity rears its ugly face, the cheating spouse often explains his/her dilemma with the words, “I Need my Space!”
You ask a couple questions, i.e. why are you doing this? What’s going to happen? When will this end? etc. and the same ol’ response is, “I don’t know. I just need my space for a while.”
You are left hanging. You have no clue what that means (nor probably does your partner). Neither of you are able to articulate specifics, which usually means you are stuck.
Allow me to point out some common themes behind this phrase. I want for you to get to the “heart of the matter” more quickly and with more confidence move toward resolution.
Putting “flesh” on this phrase will help you move from being stuck to confronting the “real issues” head on.
1. Someone primarily in a “I Don’t Want to Say No” extramarital affair, wants you off his/her back. They want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. Little regard for you (sorry). I need my space, means: “Leave me alone. Don’t put any pressure on me. Stay away. Do your thing, and I will do mine.”
2. “I need my space” for someone in the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair means, “I need to get away from the marriage (you). I don’t know how to respond to you. I give you too much power! I want to run away and find the greener promised land where something out there will make my life all better!”
3. Your partner who “Can’t Say No” needs to hide. He/she needs to hide from his/her shame. “I need my space” means, “I can’t stand to face who I am. I can’t stand to face you, because I’m reminded of how often I fail, of how little and basically impotent I am. I want to keep hiding from my truth.”
4. Your partner who “Fell out of Love…and just loves being in love” cannot pay attention to you. It is diverted. It is gone. He/she is obsessed with the OP. The theme here: “I MUST be with the OP. I MUST purse my feelings. (I am owned by them). I MUST have this drama and adrenaline in my life. I MUST be with someone where this “high” is triggered.
5. “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” drips with anger and frustration. “I need my space” means: “How does it feel, huh? You hurting? I hope so! When I say, “I need my space” do you get scared? Feel powerless? Do you feel the anger seething just below the surface? That’s what I’ve been feeling for a long time and I kinda enjoy you squirming.”
6. Your partner may choose infidelity to prove his/her sense of desirability. The theme is: “I’m hurting. I’m confused… big time! I’m doing what I really don’t want to do, and I can’t seem to get a handle on what’s driving me. I feel like I’m inflicting pain on you, and I don’t want to do that. You don’t deserve it. Please give me some space to heal myself and get rid of my demons.
7. “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy spells ambivalence. “I want my space…I think?!, but you will still be there for me, won’t you? I’m confused. I don’t know what I want. I need time to sort it out. (But, it never gets sorted out. He/she finds “space” between you and the OP where commitment to neither is attained.) Feel like you are dangling on the end of a rope?
Take some time to reflect on the pattern that seems most prevalent in your situation. Understanding may help calm your feelings.
Seeing the patterns often helps intentionally plan some statements or actions that enables both of you to articulate more clearly some of the powerful personal needs that dominate and create havoc.
Break Free From the Affair and it’s 7 kinds of affairs will enable you to be much more specific in terms of your possibilities for strategies and tactics in confronting your unique type of affair.
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for one of the coaching packages.
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It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
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Recovering From An Affair? How to reinvent your marriage/relationship
You Need to:
* Affair Proof your relationship/marriage
* Stop feeling bad, angry, disconnected
* Reconnect with your partner
* Feel good about yourself
* Rebuild true trust in yourself, your partner and your relationship
* Regain your equilibrium, footing and security
* Master your relationship/marriage and its triggers
* Be happy again
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