1. Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends?
A common plea: But, we’re “just friends.” However the “emotional connection” is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the “vibes” that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the “just friends” emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don’t like intimacy.) The “just friends” emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get “intimate.” Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.
3. Of course the “just friends” comment means either “stay away” or “I’m, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me.” There is an “emotional connection” to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of “stuckness or lostness.”
The lover or “falling in love” emotional affair has a different twist.
The common complaint to the partner is: “I feel badly about this, and I don’t want to hurt you, but, I’m not in love with you anymore.” “I love you but I’m not in love.” This often indicates:
1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
2. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.
There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotional affairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understand the differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embark on a more confident path of resolution.
2. Relationship Crisis: 6 Reasons to Get Physically Fit
Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track – which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.
Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis.
It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone – I will start tomorrow – your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to “talk yourself” into getting started.
But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why:
1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it.
2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I’m not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins – calming your mind, heart and soul.
3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself.
4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable.
5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power.
6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good.
Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking.
You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources.
3. Focus on Self-Care so You can More Powerfully “Charge Neutral.”
An extramarital affair demands tremendous energy and often throws your life off a healthy track – which further perpetuates your inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.
Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with infidelity. Use exercise and good nutrition to give you more confidence and control.
Here’s a site I recommend that will jump-start your self-care.
Get individualized training instruction, motivational coaching, personal advice, and 24-hour-a-day support for ALL your health, fitness, athletic and weight loss needs… without having to pay the hundreds or even thousands it would cost to hire a personal trainer. GHF is now the leader in the field of “online personal training” and it’s one of the original full-service fitness membership sites established on the net.
Merely click here for this Online Fitness Program, and you get absolutely FREE:
– 3 FREE months (6 months for the price of 3)
– A membership for the friend of your choice
– A body fat caliper
– The best-selling nutrition books: The Pocket Calorie, Fat and Carb
Counter and The Pocket Diary
4. Eight Thorough Steps to Break Free From a Sexless Marriage
Has the lack of good sex, or any sex been a long standing problem in your relationship?
Perhaps you are at a place where you can and want to not merely look at the lack of good sex in your life and relationship, but do something about it. (If the extramarital affair is fresh and your feelings are powerfully controlling you, I suggest you hold off on this resource until you move beyond the feelings – which you will do! So…if you are ready to tackle the sexual issues, I have a colleague and best friend, Dr. Andy Atwood, who has developed special resources for this very problem. His models are thorough and come from his vast experience and research as a therapist for the past 3 decades.
Click here to get this extraordinary tool.
5. Need to talk to someone?
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for a coaching package.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.