He Wants to Save the Marriage but Still Sees the OW

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:54 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Can we get a copy of this meeting?

2:56 PM

To All:

Hi Bridgette. Yes, I place the Q&As online. Takes about a week for my webmaster to get them up.

2:56 PM

Bridgette (to All):

My husband and I are working on being friends after 22yrs of marriage is this good to try to repair our relationship?

2:57 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you how do i get to the q&a’s?

2:57 PM

To All:

I don’t think it can hurt. Maybe we can discuss this more when the sessions sarts, ok?

2:58 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Ok

2:58 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:01 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Got it…

3:03 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Dr. Huizenga

My wife had a very hurtful affair in October/November of 2015. I was devastated. She was sorry, regretful and promised to stand by my side and try to make up for it. For about 8 months she tried really hard but it began to fade and finally she gave up and in early December 2016 and asked for a divorce and has been really hard cold and closed hearted since. Today the divorce is imminent and despite my best efforts she is totally closed hearted and now insists and believes the divorce has NOTHING to do with the affair. She goes about the divorce process as if the affair did not happen. As if we were simply a “normal” irreconcilable difference kind of divorce. So the acts and behaviors during the divorce process hurt exponentially. They have no grace, empathy. The challenge for me is I am far from healed from the affair was only beginning to get some stability and then I got hit with the divorce and have had no support. It caused me to take steps back in my healing and I’ve become more angry

3:03 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

resentful, hurt, hateful, etc.

Any advice on what can I do to save my marriage? We have 4 kids, including a 4 year old so we’re bound for at least 14 more years and the way it is, those 14 years are going to be miserable.

3:03 PM

Eloise (to All):

6 mo after I left, he’s with another woman, no contact, I can’t stop thinking about him

3:03 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Sorry it’s so long :(

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:05 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:06 PM

Kevin (PRIVATE):

I believe I could forgive my wife for the affair (although he still has occasional access to him through work) but she maintains that he’s a good person (even though he is married too). I can’t get over her behavior over the 6 months that followed. Doesn’t seem willing to put forth any (visible) effort. We are not connecting much at all and I can’t let go of the anger.

3:06 PM

Kevin (PRIVATE):

(occasional access to HER, not him)

3:06 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (PRIVATE):

My wife and I have gone out on a date recently and everything went very well. At the end she asked me to be patient. We have seen each other since. The difference is that I can feel her pulling back, walling me off, and speaking to me like a friend. How do I build intimacy and connection to her? Each time things go well she throws a wall up and claims she just doesnt feel anything.

3:09 PM

Paul (to All):

Yes

3:09 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Yes

3:09 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:10 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:10 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband has been having an affir for three years. One and one half years ago he moved in with his affair partner. One year ago he showed up at my door, saying he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage. Since that time he has gone back and forth between me and the AP, trying to decide, saying he does not know what to do. When he leaves the AP (for 5 or 8 or 10 weeks at a time) he lives at our vacation house. His AP calls and texts him many times each day. While he says he wants to work on our marriage and feels a deep connection to me, he does not do much to actually work on our marriage. At this time he is back with his AP. I really loved my husband and wanted to save our marriage, but it seems hopeless. I’ve tried charging neutral, and I implemented your ideas from a webinar a couple of weeks ago — those techniques work, but only for a short time.

3:18 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

reluctant to recommit

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no remorse

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no microphone

3:21 PM

Kevin (to All):

she’s sorry she got caught, not that it happened

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

Bob, you are not being very supportive to Kevin…

3:23 PM

Kevin (to All):

this is how i interpret her actions

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

You make it sound that it is all his fault or he has to do all the change…

3:25 PM

Eloise (to All):

A good distinction. I have to get over him. He has clearly left, and I clearly didn’t want him to chose the other woman

3:25 PM

lea (to All):

Not very much…

3:26 PM

lea (to All):

But i understand the difficulty…

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

It works Lea my husband is doing that with me!

3:27 PM

lea (to All):

I undedrstand the impirtance of not putting ourself in the victim mode…

3:28 PM

lea (to All):

Thanks Bridgette…I think Bob is talking about charging neutral. Thank you…

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Sure..

3:29 PM

Eloise (to All):

I’ve opened the door. He can come back, but isn’t. I have to get out of the victim role. Got it. Not easy

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

Thank you!

3:31 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you…

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3 Responses to He Wants to Save the Marriage but Still Sees the OW

  1. Cindy says:

    My husband had an affair with a piece of trash that had dated our son a year before, back in 2007. Then in april 2008, that trash set my husband up in a drug deal and he went to prison for 7 years. She stick around, but i did. I financially supported him with over $25,000 those 7 years, visits, cards, letters phone calls, thinking he might grow up. When he got back home in august 2008, we were doing fine and then 6 months after him being home, he tells me he found someone else. I was devastated. He left her after 3 months and came back to me for a week and then started yet another affair, with whom he moved in with over a year ago. We are still married. He doesnt want a divorce. But this is killing me bcuz i wanna move on with my life too!! Just like him. Will it ever be possible for me to move on??

  2. Shirley says:

    Found out husband had affair supposedly out of town every 3 mths. Went on 12-15 years while I worked full time, raised two daughters who were 10 and 12 when began. Been married 48 yrs. Ive been devastated,verbally, emotionally and physically abused. Im considering reconciliation for 6 mths. Both in counseling together and separate. I cannot get over the hurt and betrayal. He is treating me good but there’s so much to deal with. Need help on moving forward. I know I have to forgive regardness but hard to do. 12-15 years a long time even though he says no attachment to her, just sex. Can you help me?

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