How do I Get Rid of the Pain?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:52 PM

Bobby (to All):

Hello everyone

2:53 PM

Bobby (to All):

Dr. Bob thank you for taking the time to do this.

2:56 PM

To All:

My pleasure, Bobby…

3:00 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes. thank you!

3:00 PM

AJM (to All):

Can everyone hear Dr. H?

3:01 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes ajm

3:01 PM

Deborah (to All):

yes

3:05 PM

Scott (to All):

images

3:05 PM

Bryant (to All):

why did she keep going back? Was he better

3:05 PM

Bobby (to All):

You get to a point where i thought im over it then yes the images just pops in

3:06 PM

Bobby (to All):

then ager sets in once again

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

sure

3:07 PM

Tracy (to All):

It

3:08 PM

Deborah (to All):

spouse chose his sex addiction over treatment, his counselor told him our marriage was toxic and he left, and now verbally abuson and

3:08 PM

CSB (to All):

i’ve realized the same thing. My partner is at times also a trigger

3:08 PM

[ Waiting for name ] (PRIVATE):

How common is abusive behaviour from a WS. To this day, the flashbacks/nightmares etc from the abusive behaviour is worse then the affair it self.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

same here scott

3:09 PM

Bobby (to All):

yup

3:09 PM

Deborah (to All):

being enough.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

yes yes yes!!! not meeting your partner’s needs

3:10 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

Why did she keep going back to him? Was he better?

3:12 PM

Laura (to All):

Mornings very difficult, really miss him but feelings aren’t mutual, he’s doing nothing to work towards marriage and restoration. Limited communication. Very painful and sad. Trying not to contact or initiate contact, very difficult

3:14 PM

AJM (to All):

Emotional Affair – pain is that the problems continue to come into focus as we are trying to get through them as well as the other person is not out of the picture (business colleague)

3:15 PM

CSB (to All):

my partner and i are well on our way to recovery after 16 mos but there are days when I am just so so sad. I hate bringing up the past but at times I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the reality of the affair and that it wasn’t personal but it’s hard to let go. I look at him am filled with love, empathy but also loss.

3:15 PM

Deborah (to All):

How do I stop nightmares?

3:16 PM

Tracy (to All):

It’s been 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days since first D-Day. Every day I envision her with her APs. I think about where I failed. If I had done things differently, she would not have cheated to begin with. If I had been able to move forward better following her first affair, she would not have cheated again and again. Her repeated cheating has proven that I am not good enough. She has filed for divorce. My life has been destroyed. No marriage, no job, no home, no vehicle. I am the embodiment of failure.

3:16 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

this was a revenge affair

3:16 PM

Sarah (to All):

you just said an affair brings up powerfull themes that have not been resolved in our lives? could you elaborate on that idea?

3:17 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

why can’t he be nice and civilized why the passive aggressive behaviour … why keep pushing the buttons that hurt

3:18 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

Its been 2 years to this day and she continues to lie

3:18 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

why can’t he just say I want ….

3:22 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:29 PM

CSB (to All):

charge neutral!

3:30 PM

CSB (to All):

follow Dr Bob’s charge neutral advice

3:34 PM

CSB (to All):

thanks again

3:34 PM

Deborah (to All):

thanks

3:35 PM

AJM (to All):

Thank you!

3:35 PM

Ceccanti (to All):

thank you

3:35 PM

Scott (to All):

really appreciate your time dr. bob

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2 Responses to How do I Get Rid of the Pain?

  1. Shirley says:

    Have. Een married 48 yrs. 11/2 yrs ago I learned of his 10+ yr affair when he went to meetings every three mths. I am devastated, angry but mostky hurt. I have suffered verbal, emotional and physical abuse while trying to get answers. Lied, manipulated repeatedly. Affair over but what hurts worse us whether or not he loved this woman. Even physical abuse which was really bad doesnt hurt as bad as thinking ge loved her. Supposedly affair been over for 18-20 years but. His abusive behavior went on all thise yesrs. Physical only after I learned about it. I know or I believe we still love one another but is difficult for me to get over. He says he didnt care anything for her but affair went so long and I just cant believe he didnt as his treatment to me during that time was disrespectful and verbally abusive. He gets so angry if I hurt and need to talk about it. Just wants to move on and me “get over it”. Im so confused. Is there hooe for us. Have you known other related circumstances? Please help if you have advice. Thank you.

  2. HonorGentle says:

    After listening to Scott’s story on this episode, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. My wife was also diagnosed with ADD and she had multiple affairs (during college, engagement and marriage). I keep reading that those who have ADD are predisposed for affairs. Dr. Bob, I’d love to hear you talk more about this.

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