Infidelity in Your Marriage: Stop the Devastation by Knowing the Type of Affair

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You didn’t ever think infidelity would happen to you!

But now Infidelity invades your marriage or significant relationship.

The affair, the secrets, the betrayal and the loss of love and affection happened to others but not to you.

But you were wrong. The affair has invaded your most precious relationship and your world is teetering on the edge of what you think is utter and total destruction.

You feel lost, alone, isolated and devastated.

You want to survive the affair and overcome the infidelity.

To this point you haven’t given much thought to infidelity but as it now stares at you with its ugliness, you are not sure what you face.

You lack adequate information about infidelity: where it came from, what it means, how long it will last and what motivated it in the first place.

You may get sympathetic but unhelpful advice from family or friends. Or, it may be a secret you share with no one. You don’t know where to go or what to do. You may react and lash out or cave in and know neither is helpful or what you truly want.

This blog post will give you a vision of what is possible.

I will outline for you 5 different affairs or infidelity scenarios, one of which will fit you.

I also will create a vision of what is possible for you and your partner in facing the infidelity.

This vision lacks specifics, but if you read more of my information, some of missing pieces of this vision will fall into place.

But first, a few key points about infidelity.

Key Point: Infidelity is Complex

One affair does not fit all. Just as marriages are complex and different, so are affairs.

In my ebook, “Break Free From the Affair,” I present 7 unique types of affairs.

1. My Marriage Made me Do It

2. I Don’t Want to Say No

3. I Can’t Say No

4. I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love

5. I Want to Get Back at Him/Her

6. I Must Prove my Desirability

7. I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy

Each of these types of affairs vary in duration.

For example, the “I Want to Be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy kind of affair” may be an affair that has a long duration. Some of these affairs continue in secret for years or perhaps decades.

The affair #4: “I Fell out of Love… and just love being in love” may have a short duration of just a few months or shorter.

Affair #6, “I Must Prove my Desirability,” might be a one-night stand.

And, because of the dynamics of a particular type of affair, I can predict the length of the other affairs as well.

A person’s motive for the affair may differ greatly.

Of course, affair #6’s motive is obvious.

Affair #7: “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” is marked by an ambivalence about being intimate. The affair serves the purpose of never being truly intimate with anyone, spouse included.

Affair #3: “I Can’t Say No,” is entered into by someone who carries addictive tendencies. The affair becomes the object of attachment, perhaps with different people, strip clubs, or pornography. S/he is hooked.

How the betrayed spouse responds to the affair varies according to the type of affair.

I’ve outlined 16 different ways of responding to an affair in “Break Free From the Affair.”

Each affair demands that you respond using one of those unique ways.

Once you know the type of affair facing you, you are able to discern which type of response will work best in perhaps stopping the affair or moving to toward resolution.

If you want more information, I highly recommend you download my FREE “7 Types of Affairs Cheat Sheet.” This condensed sheet gives you an overview, and starting point, for effectively facing the infidelity that is destroying your marriage.

Click this banner for your FREE download…

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22 Responses to Infidelity in Your Marriage: Stop the Devastation by Knowing the Type of Affair

  1. Andrea says:

    None of the affairs above describe what my husband did. It was a one time (so he says) reply to a personal ad on craigslist. It was a very sexually explicit email with about 25 word exchanges between them in about a half hour span. We have been married 32 years. I am having great difficulty with this. And there is not much written on this new way of cheating and why it happens. It is disgusting and that is what I think of him.

    • Donna says:

      Mine went on craigslist too. The emails he made haunt me. I’m always sick. He says he never met with any of them. I don’t know. He also made dating site profiles. I’m sick. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’ve been like this for 3 years now. I hate him but I love him. I don’t trust him. He says he wants our marriage to work. I ask why. He says he loves me. I say you didn’t then why now. I’m a train wreck of emotions. He hasn’t done anymore of that crap but what he has already done has ruined me.

  2. Dr. Bob Huizenga says:

    Hi Andrea,

    Look at the patterns that your husband has carried along with him in the past. They will give you a clue as to the type of affair.

  3. Peg says:

    andrea just be thankful it was only emails.. my fiance of 5 yrs actually met up with a girl off CL and ended up having sex with her n paying her… we never had issues with sex he gets laid daily.. several times a day.. come to find out hes a SEX an porn addict… and it wouldnt matter what i did he still woulda done what hes done… we are trying to work thru it all but im just lost

  4. Hurt But Hopeful says:

    Can an affair be a mix of types or evolve from one type to another?

    My husband’s 4 year, long distance A seems to have begun as #1, #6 (a lack of sexual intimacy left him feeling unwanted/rejected by me; he sought an ex gf for sexual conversation), to #2, #6 (she offered to see him; he said no but then became curious, planned on it being a one time visit over a few days), and eventually to a #3 (he says he was addicted to the high of planning to and then seeing her every few months – with digital contact daily; he regretted it after seeing her each time and even wanted her to leave early; the A was getting out of hand bc she wanted more and he wanted to leave the A but “kept getting pulled back in”).

    The A only ended bc I found out.

  5. Nancy says:

    Like Andrea; I am not sure if my husband fits any of these types of affairs. His affair was with a friend of mine. It consisted of them (according to him) meeting 5 times to have sex over a 3 year period. He adamantly denies anything being wrong on our sex life. He attributes the affair to his selfishness, wanting to have sexy with someone else and the excitement/thrill of it all. He states having the affair with my friend/ family friend was convenient because she was so willing whenever he called. What affair type is this?

  6. Dr. Bob Huizenga says:

    This might be “I don’t want to say No.” Often there are overlaps in the type of affair. Read through the different types, paying close attention to the motives and note which type seems to fit best.

  7. Pulled to Thin says:

    My wife engaged in an emotional affair over the course of two years. It resulted in a physical affair in a hotel although there were several meet ups in a car with physical touching previous to the physical affair.
    I knew about the man she chased as she had been hung up on him since she was 16 (her first). We were married for 13 years (4 small children) before the affair. She claimed we were no longer connecting (intimacy) and she ran after him trying to reclaim a brief moment in time with him.

  8. Ann says:

    Not sure where my husband fits in, I think he overlaps into a few. He started an emotional affair with one woman then left me for her. After six months that one ended and he went online and started an emotional and sexual affair within weeks of the first affair ending. One year ago he told me about the second and said it was over, he moved back home but it is still going on today but says he isn’t sleeping with her. Says he knows the first affair was an affair but believes this one is not as he says he has feelings for her, which I believe are lustful feelings.

  9. Marielena J says:

    My nearly 21 year relationship with my live-in significant other was with a sociopathic liar whichever type that falls under – all of the above? I found out about his dalliances when one of his conquests sent a “woman scorned” letter with a ripped up picture of the both of them to my house. I confronted him and he swore he did nothing with her, she was a stalker…and on and on and on. Four days later, he came home for a nap and his pants were on the couch. I bent down to pick something off the floor and felt an odd squishy thing in his pocket. Condoms! He doesn’t use them with me. I was devastated. I asked if they were for use with the woman in the photo and he tells me, “no” – a different woman altogether. He had been having an “on and again, off again affair with this woman for 10 years. It began when she was married with 2 small children. They are now in their 20s. He swore up and down he “wasn’t in love with her”, he “was in a dark place after his mother passed” (10 years ago), “we lost our connection,” but if I could forgive him, he wanted to work things out with me, because he loved me. For 8 months from Oct 2014 to June 2015 I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We began reconnecting. We dated, we had relations, he told me “he loved me very much,” we shared all the holidays together, and he was more communicative with texts, emails, phone calls. He sent me flowers for my birthday when he was working out of town. But something didn’t feel right. I couldn’t sleep, I was depressed, I was dying inside and most of all – my woman’s intuition didn’t believe him. I hired a detective and they found him at a hotel with another woman. Don’t know which one, of the many he had. I also found out he took $50k out of our house and purchased a beautiful $600k house 40 miles from “ours.” Then I find out he goes up to that house often. Then I find out she is living in this house with her now 20 year old boys. All this time he was sending me loving texts, phone calls, coming home every night and sleeping with me. He hid his secrets, lies and betrayal behind work (in the entertainment business – a business I used my contacts to get him into). He lied to me, his father, twin sister, grandmother, aunt and uncle and my family. He told this woman, I was his roommate. She told him to sell my car, kick me out of the house, sell my house and marry her. She started sending mail in her name to my house. I had enough. He left my bed on June 2, 2015 and went straight to her. He told me he wasn’t going to leave me, yet I found out he gave this woman an engagement ring over a year before I knew he was cheating on me. He called his gifts to her “trinkets.” Unusual word for an engagement ring and I work in the jewelry store. On Sept 6, 2015 near what would be our 21st anniversary, he married her. Of course, I was the last to know. My niece and nephew saw their wedding picture on Facebook and told me. When I asked if he was going to tell me, he said, he’s not sure he made the right decision. OMG – what kind of human being is this? He ruined my life and is not even able to say that is the love of his life? She met her father in law on her wedding day. Only his sister and father attended reluctantly. Before I knew he married her – he sent me text messages asking how I was and ending them with xo. Pretending to be my friend only because I’m still living in the house. Two people married who aren’t faithful to anyone. Disgusting- and I am left devastated and having to fight to keep my home because he couldn’t even sever ties with me before he married her. He is a sociopathic liar (and Ashley Madison client) and she is a woman who couldn’t keep her 1st vow, yet got a second chance at another at my expense. I guess I should be lucky to be rid of him, but it feels like I got the short end of the stick and made to suffer alone. Please help those of us who are/were in relationships with these types of people with secrets, lies and deceit. I don’t want anyone else to lose 21 years of their life with someone who isn’t worth one second of their time. After all his lies came to light, he claims he regrets his decisions (blanket quote), he’s sorry for what he did to me (but his lies upon lies proves he doesn’t care), says he’s being responsible for his actions (which he is not), and hopes that I’ll forgive him and someday be his friend. He is delusional, hasn’t accepted responsibility, and doesn’t truly know what he has done to me, his family, my family, his “new” wife (he lied/lies to her too), her family, her sons and worst of all himself. He is a coward and so is she. None of what they did is love or because of love.

  10. Bob says:

    It’s hard to put it into a box or category.
    My wife of 20 years left me as she fell in love with another woman. She decided that women are better at meeting each other’s needs both emotionally and sexually because they understand each other better.

    At first I was in shock, then was angry, then just wanted to have an affair of my own.
    It’s been almost 6 months since she moved out.
    Now in that time God has drawn me in closer. My walk is going good . I now pray for her every day. We don’t see each other and rarely communicate.

    Adultery is grounds for divorce in the bible freeing me to remarry. But I have taken the stance to fight. It’s like she was taken over and is a different person. So l pray for her . Now it’s not your normal prayers.
    It’s the get mad at Satan yelling out that he has to leave my marriage alone.
    Luke 10:19 tells us we have power over Satan, but remember he very good at what he does so you need to be diligent. No faking your Christian faith here.

    How has it worked out?
    Not much yet as its just been in the last we weeks. But God ask us to tell him what he already knows we need. So I write it down. I read/pray it.

    The bible is full of examples of what we should do. So that is what I’m doing.

    At this point I would hope she would fight for me if I fell like she did

    • Pulled to Thin says:

      Bob, I was a pastor when my wife’s affair hit me. I no longer pastor but I was able to “rescue” my wife with God’s help. His Spirit actually prepared me for months in His Word and through his guiding. When the timing was right God spoke to me and revealed things to me and guided me through my actions so that my marriage could be saved.
      One thing I can’t say enough of is that subconsciously, I knew what she was doing but decided to put her life in God’s hands. I knew that there could be no safer place for her and my marriage. I even recall talking to God and saying “Do what you must to deliver her, just break the bondage this man has in her life once and for all”. Sometimes God doesn’t rescue us from a fallm sometimes he just raises us up from the dead.

  11. Jenny says:

    I don’t know which category. I don’t have full disclosure. He has only admitted to what he knows I can prove.
    I think this started 8 yrs ago (married 16) with perhaps escorts. Then evolved into lunch time hook ups with ex girlfriends when he was out of town. These exes were married. Most recent was an ex he was having lunch with. Texting. Telling her to meet him for a kiss. Told her she was perfect for him. She us also married. He’s only admitted to sex with one girl (a “casino” worker).. Found tons of phone numbers with no names in his contact list on his phone.

    I have found texts betweeN him and his brother comparing prostitutes, and found a pic of a younger woman he sent to a friend. He stated it felt good to be him. The friend replied” you win. You’re the man”.

    He says he loves me and never meant to hurt me. Doesn’t want to leave etc. Willing to do whatever etc.
    Which category does he fall into? I am trying to decide if I should stay based on the chances of him repeating this behavior. I am willing to work on our marriage but not interested in wasting time or energy. I don’t want to be hurt again. Barely surviving this. Please help. Afraid to spend another 19 yrs just to have him destroy me again

    • Pulled to Thin says:

      Jenny, sounds like a long standing history of infidelity. People tend to talk to ways that are meaningful: with their money and with their feet. Everything else is just warm air breezing over vocal cords.
      Personally, I sounds you need to talk with your feet and get them moving quickly.

      • Jenny says:

        I wish he would just be honest.
        I fear he doesn’t want to lose the income I bring to the table or lose our 9 yo daughter.So He is acting like a real father. I just don’t see or feel like he is a man who truly loves his wife and can’t live without her. I just don’t feel it. I feel for the first time in my life, so profoundly lonely.
        I sacrificed so much to be a wife and mother. I feel like I have lost everything. I feel crazy. I will never be the same again. He broke me. And I have to fix myself by myself.

        If a man afraid of losing his wife, would he not go out of his way to prove he still loves her? Am I wrong to think he should be calling or texitng me frequently, holding my hand,telling me I’m beautiful,or buying something expensive? Trust me, am far from materialistic. Never needed this kind of affirmation before in my entire life. His betrayäl has turned me into a needy person. Just think he should be more demonstrative. I am looking for hope. Looking for a reason to stay.

        • Pulled Too Thin says:

          Time for you to charge neutral Jenny. You’re not the one who is broken. His act has no more power over you then you allow. The hardest part is to get past the feeling of making the other person see how much they hurt you. Much of the pain we hold onto is simply a choice….our choice. Personally, I feel, HE needs to be looking for reasons for YOU to stay and not the other way around. do you know what type of affair it was?

  12. What to do says:

    I don’t know what type of affair my wife had. She said she didn’t not feel emotionally connected to me. But her actions nor words gave no clue. I am a loving husband who has probably been over concerned with my wife’s needs over the years. My wife is known to be a very private, almost secretive person. I think it was The Marriage made me do it. But am unsure. We have been married for 13 years. I found out about the affair 18 months ago. I still have not received the compassion from my wife that i desire. As of recently, I have inquired about getting my own place. She still holds frustration from 10 years ago that does not allow her to have the compassion I believe she should. Any advice?

    • Tony says:

      I don’t have any degrees…but have been through it.
      If I had it to do over I would make a list of questions. And statements. Tell her what you feel, don’t worry about making her mad, but do it calmly…she has to want you and only you. She needs to be open, no secrets of any kind. I don’t know your religion…but my God and savior Jesus was the only way I made it. It’s still a struggle…
      Good luck and God bless.

  13. Sarah says:

    After 25 yearsof marriage, my husband’s inappropriate relationships have driven me crazy. He always denies poor behavior when he flirts with other woman in public through the years and now he has these platonic female friends that he maintains I have no right to tell him who he can be friends with. Weird incidents are occuring (he travels alot) and of course there is no communication and never really had any. I.have caught him watching porn and also seems to be leaving me out of business and personal activities. I am so suspicious about everything that he does away from home I clearly don’t trust him at all. He has had no respect for me our entire marriage. Although I am leaving out many details and behaviors – that bottom line is it ok for platonic females and how do I resolve my suspicions?

    • Kev says:

      facetine with him between 10 pm and mid night or earky mirning when he is Travelling

      If he answers without thinking and if he has company in the room, you will know right away

      Other thing to do is order complete activity log of his cell phone bills for past 18 months ; map phone activity and see if there is a trend of communications ( phone / txt) with certain specific phone numbers …

  14. Matthew says:

    What does it mean when my girlfriend says she did it with her co-worker because she wanted to prove she had been the most attractive girl in any group?!

    Is it a type?

    She needed his confirmation that she has been the most attractive girl around that’s why she behaves to attract!

    He also convinced her that I’m not loving her enough and insisted to sleep with her and finally did it. Is it the type of I can’t say no?

    After her confession she got disappeared for 3 weeks and then tried to reconnect with me but I rejected even though both love each other.

    Which category is that?

  15. Mina says:

    How do you call it when your partner of 8 years has an affair of 9 months and gets her pregnant at the same time as you? Yes my SO after a year of working for a new company had an affair with a co worker he lied about being working over time and double time when In reality he was buying her clothes shoes new tattoos anyway you name it he would spend the nights here and there with her he has a restoration job so he gets random calls at random times. She knew he was with me and had 3 kids because she blocked him and me from Facebook and all social media anyway our kids were born the same both only a week difference I really don’t know what to do? I’ve tried counseling but I really don’t know if it’s working or not because he won’t leave my home I’ve asked him to leave but he won’t all he says is he regrets it and that it was an error in his life that he will forever regret now keep in mind this girl now put
    Him on child support and I’m really at lost I mean I love him but also my kids they adore their dad.

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