How do you Handle Emotional Distance?

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These are some major coping patterns, common to the human condition.

You automatically and unconsciously call upon YOUR coping pattern when life gets emotionally rough. That’s where you go. That’s what you do.

And, long, long ago, it worked. Your pattern seemed back then the best way for you to cope, considering a number of factors about you, your family and your world.

Your coping pattern is your default coping mode.

You use it time and time again, UNLESS, you become aware of your way to cope with intimacy and a part of you decides you want to try something different.

Please leave your thoughts below. How has his/her coping mechanisms contributed to the affair or infidelity?

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity and Intimacy, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Relationship Communication and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to How do you Handle Emotional Distance?

  1. Denise says:

    Awareness and emotional intelligence can motive positive changes in a relationship. When the default reaction is to distance, then communication breaks down and loving interaction cannot take place. Both parties need to be aware of their actions and take ownership.

  2. Brian says:

    When I suspected infidelity. It happened before. Although we were not married I just broke it off with no reason. She attempted to open lines of communication but I just replied politely with no emotion or giving a chance for further communication. I thought the pattern would start again but I regret this action

  3. V says:

    I was in the middle of the greatest, most satisfying relationship since my divorce (due to infidelity, married 22 years) 5 years ago. My man was the type that had a hard time letting go “forever” of one old flame in particular. We talked about how it made me really uncomfortable his need to be her friend, but he continued with friendly Facebook posts and such with her. Last Sunday we were having an incredible day together when he told me that his ex had posted on FB that she was looking for an extra bed for another room… blah, blah blah… so, he decides to let her know that he had a spare bed that he wasn’t using and that she could have! Then my favorite part, is that he and his friend delivered it her home! We had a huge fight and I haven’t spoken to him in a week. I feel sick and overwhelmed with grief but really want to distance myself emotionally. I am still blown away by his thoughtless move. He really thought he was just being a “nice guy”…. Hope it was worth ruining a great relationship.

    • Ssys says:

      Hi V. I understand your anguish totally. That is precisely the reason why my husband and I do not have “friends” of the opposite sex, let alone if this friend happens to be someone you had feelings for or visa versa. Its called boundary. Your husband should be your protector on all levels. If you’re not comfortable with certain friends, even if they were men, he should pay attention. In this case, it happens to be a woman, he should honor you in every way. These are some questions that make me ponder…hmmm. Is there a reason why he wasn’t transparent with you about the conversation he had on FB? Did he ask you permission if he can give that bed away to that individual? Did he invite you to go together if you had given him permission? I assume the answer is no. Sounds to me like you have to put your boundaries down with him, like, there can be no friendship with a female friend that he has feelings for even if he claims it was in the past, and he needs to honor that. Honor you and your well being. You are his wife.

  4. Marium says:

    I became critical and judgemental about all of his lifestyle instead of being clear about what the real problem was. I think back and I didn’t know what the real problem was. I just didn’t tell him how his actions made me feel and being judgemental and critical just pushed him away more and more.

  5. Mike Fandrey says:

    Hi Dr. Huizenqa I would like to know if a person can their wife back after she moves out , and has another lover. and wants a divorce, but does’t want to talk to anyone to try to save the marriage. is it the change of life {maybe} we have been married for 32 years and went through tough times. she seems like she is running from the marriage instead of trying to fix it. with this other man in the pitcher i don’t think i can. I love her dearly, and would take her back in a heart beat. if she would give me a chance. what should i do or not do? thank you, Mike!!

    • Bill says:

      I was in EXACTLY the same situation….
      It isn’t a matter of Her taking YOU back !
      She has already made her choice .
      You need to decide if this was acceptable to you !
      Move on with your life,and be happy.
      If you deserve better for yourself, then go get it .
      It is out there somewhere, you just need to find it. And you won’t find it, if you are wasting your time and effort trying to get back what is already lost .

  6. Sue says:

    My coping pattern is to not discuss our problem which became a killer in our marriage. My husband is a silent type and refuse to talk when he is upsetting so I have no idea why he won’t speak at time he will ignore me for weeks if I asked for explanation he will blowed up and the silent treatment continued. With that behavior I learn not to ask question and hope time will mend our differences!!! 35 years in marriage now we’re like 2 strangers living together he is a good providers but having issue express himself. The silence in my home is killing me and many times I contemplate leaving but I am getting old plus I have children and grandchildren that I do not want to uproot them.

  7. Zippy says:

    Very insightful

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