Infidelity Discovery: From Devastation to Optimism

The first moments, days and weeks after infidelity discovery can be some of the most trying times of one’s life. As your whole world seems to be crumbling around you, being optimistic can seem virtually impossible.

Follow this person’s story as they take you on their infidelity journey, from utter devastation to empowerment and optimism.

The first few weeks were extremely hard. I lost about twenty pounds in one month. I could not swallow my food. I had so much pain, agony and anxiety I felt like my chest was going to explode. I had to go to the doctor for Xanax to help me. Besides the heartache of the affair, I was getting evicted from our apartment. I sold all of our furniture and moved back in with my parents. They helped me with our three children because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I started to be out from work and fall behind in my job. All I was able to focus on was the thoughts of him being with her and how I was betrayed. My husband wanted nothing to do with me or the kids and told me he was going to marry this woman. I would call him crying almost every day and beg him to come home. My friends, family and co-workers who knew the situation really supported me. I started to talk to other people who have been in the same situation which really helped me because I knew I was not the only person in the world dealing with this pain. Then I found this website and read Break Free From the Affair. I started to follow your advice and back off. I stopped calling, begging and made a decision to move on or at least act like I did. Well, he started to call, and even would tell me that he missed me and still loved me. It’s been seven months and they have broken up. She is still looming around him but we have been spending a lot of time together. At one time this man that was so sure he wanted nothing to do with me and wanted a divorce is now saying things like “if we get back together.” Hopefully we will get back together but if we don’t, I know I will be ok. I look back at those first days and think about how far I have come.

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23 Responses to Infidelity Discovery: From Devastation to Optimism

  1. Bobby Wang says:

    This on going affair has carried on in her jobsite and the man has been her superior I believe and I am wondering if I should go there to confront this solicitor who initiatiated this thing 2 to 3 years ago by inviting my wife to lunch.

    • Carolynn MacDonald says:

      Confrontation will do no good, I promise! Be the bigger person and stay back. Don’t cause them to move closer together by an attack – that’s what will happen.

    • phillip says:

      I’d say not to do it. My wife’s first affair was also with her boss. She would use her lunch breaks to screw him and then come sleep in my bed. I really wanted to look him up. However, I’m combat vet and want to stay out of jail.

      • Oldgael says:

        Remember, He is not being unfaithful, your wife is being unfaithful. You have to solve the peoblem with her and move on together or alone.

    • Tree says:

      Actually u should report it to the boss!

    • Mo says:

      I may be an oddity in here, but I believe in Transparency and no one getting a free shot. I would and have confronted the other person but not through an attack. Just to say, hello, I am the wife and I wanted you to know I’m aware of this and while my husband is to blame, you also have consented to do this despite the fact that he is already in a committed relationship. Do u love her/want to be together, etc.?

      Get the facts out of them. Keep ur friends close but enemies closer. Yes, your spouse is to blame but normally the other person knows you also. Removing the secrecy can be an enormous killjoy to their affair. It’s not so seductive anymore.

      • James says:

        It was a few years back for me now but on the day I found out I called the guy on her phone. The phone I had just found our about the affair on by looking at texts. The guy happened to be a leader of a religious group (I knew him) so I asked him calmly if he felt a good married christian would sleep with another mans wife. I told him, calmly, to stay away. I was doing good, staying calm. Then he said “it is between you and her.” That is when I lost it. “Exactly”, I said, “it is called marriage and why are you hanging around.” Then lots of swear words and telling him I would -ill him if he ever tried to contact her etc.
        I was not proud of that moment. My wife and 17 yr old son heard it. I suppose it felt good at the time but it is just a bad memory now and I wish I had not done it. In a way he got under my skin twice and the fact is his comment was correct. Now I have this feeling that I would punch him in the face if I ever saw him and I think it is more about that call and my feelings about that call than the actual affair.
        Every situation is very very different but in my case my contacting him was not a good decision. My wife sent him a no contact text with me there. IT said never contact me again and said we both were sending it. He sent several grovelling text back that hour, then for a number of days, and the odd one for a few months. 3 years later and no contact. Perhaps he feels bad because of my call on d-day but I doubt it. I wish I had just not called and only had to think about him getting an abrupt no contact from her.

    • Franco Aquino Oropesa says:

      my suggestion is to confront the other guy calmly, tell him to stay away from your wife, tell him that what he is doing is wrong and he isn’t just screwing your wife he may also be ruining your children’s life in some way, if he is also a maried man, let his wife know about what he is doing, do this peacefully and calmly as possible, and never make a scene

  2. Raymond Yusi says:

    I was cheated on 10 months ago. 2 months ago “Someone” sent me picytures of the guy my wife cheated with–who knows why. And his email address.

    I was healing pretty well and that threw me backwards.

    But I have done a lot of reading, most from Dr. Huizenga, but also others, and My take is that the infidelity is between you and your spouse. The other person was just there, like a bench at a bus stop. Your spouse is the cheater.

    I was unmarried for 22 years, and during that time it was may job to get laid. I had a job at the bank that paid for my other job. I did not knowingly go with married women, too many unmarried women, but some guys do. Had I gone with a married woman I would have figured it was her look out–I wasn’t married. I was just there for the sport.

    So when my wife, to whome I have been faithful for 20 years–10 married– was unfaithful, I just figured the guy was doing his job–getting laid. I did;t like it that it was my wife he was laying.–But talking with him is a non starter. SHE IS THE CHEATER!!!!

    JUst try to understand why your spouse cheated, Dr. Huz as some helpful descriptions of the different types of affairs–check them out. Try to figure out why your spouse cheated–that will be more productive than confronting the other person–I think.

    • Some guy says:

      Nope. They’re both cheaters. Just different roles. To excuse a man saying it’s just his job to get laid is to remove any responsibility for his actions from him. Like he’s simply an animal and only runs on instinct. if so, your wife was running on instinct as well and just doing her job.

    • Tree says:

      Actually YOU don’t need to figure out why she cheated, u need to ask HER!!!

      • Seenthe light says:

        Most times they’ll lie through their teeth or use the old stand by of “I don’t know”. Asking them to tell the truth is no good either.

        • Roger says:

          You got that right !! My wife had ongoing affairs for a total of 32 years with 7 different men. Questions only get ” It was only sex, and I already said I was sorry” or “I don’t remember”. She has never taken the blame for any of it. I was never good enough until she decided she needed to be taken better care of. I have never forgiven her and I will never forget but we will probably die of old age together.

      • Raymond Yusi says:

        This is a follow up to previous posts.

        Since my wife cheated onme 27 months ago I ave forgiven her—but I never forget about it. I remember her infidelity at least once a day and also usually at night. I do love her, but I will never feel the same “specialness” i did before–I know with certainty that was a dream.
        We are nice to each other and “married”, but it will never be special again.

        sorry it happened.

    • Franco Aquino Oropesa says:

      you my friend is being haunted by your sins of your past, sleeping with another mans wife is WRONG! Plain and simple. When my wife cheated on me, i confronted the other person. I calmly but firmly told him that what he is doing is wrong. I told him i don’t have any problems with him getting laid, but he should get laid with single women not with married women. As for my wife, after more than a year of fighting and her trying to put the blame on me for her decision to cheat, i just told her, if she thinks that the other guy is better than me, then go to him, leave me alone with our 3 year old son, i told her i still love her and i’m willing to work on the marriage but i will not put up with her bullshit

      • Greg says:

        To sleep with another mans wife and he knows you, he knows you and your wife have at least one child together really depicts what a low life, zero morals, selfish POS of a human that man is. In truth he is not a man, he is a scummy coward that lowest the ethics pool of good, faith and honorable men. Truthfully, if there was a law, a legal consequence, for violating another mans family cowards like this would take pause. Sleep with a married woman one time gets you 10 years in a Federal prison!!! I would bet that the gutless cowards would reconsider being a POS because they simply are selfish and would just look to protect themselves.

  3. Dennis T says:

    The replies are spot on. She is the cheater. My wife had a 2 month affair 38 years ago and she told me about it 4 months after that and was extremely remorseful and took full responsibility. She was drink during these late night hook ups with a coworker after she got off work at a ski lodge bar. I never confronted the other person and we have been married 46 years now. I have forgiven her, but never forgotten about what she did.

  4. Namma K says:

    You can always be optimistic that you will feel better- but not always that your marriage will survive. My H and I were together 35 years before I learned he had been a lifelong philanderer. I had gotten lazy and let him do all the house repairs, finances, etc. Luckily, I had a career. In the midst of doing all I could to save the marriage I was also looking at apartments, consulting lawyers, and opening my own checking account. When you’re traumatized to this degree your first priority is safety! So I worked on covering all bases. It’s been 7 years. I am still married but feel safe in the knowledge I would be ok no matter what. That’s optimism :-)

    • Frank says:

      My wife is an alcoholic who cheated on me and then accidentally burned down our home .She is currently in sober living ,super remorseful and ashamed of all she did. My child and I are currently living with my mother waiting for our home to be rebuilt but the thought of moving back in with this person is terrifying to me. The trust and security is gone and don’t think I can ever regain it.

  5. Kimberli Maloy says:

    In regard to anyone sleeping with their superior at work, please note that in most places that’s cause for having someone demoted if not fired. In my husband’s case, he AND the OW were both cheating on their spouses and my H was her superior. I still wish to this day I would have been able to confront that woman. I know the horror stories, the chance emotions may have played into it and all that, but I need closure. She knew what she was doing. My husband was demoted and had to change departments, she had to change departments… Besides knowing 100% of any truths, the one and only thing I still have a strong need to do is find closure by speaking with this woman. The sexual part of their affair started 7 years ago and DDay was 2014. Unfortunately there are many layers to our marital issues, but to be honest we have persevered and prayed and are still working on it and not giving up. God has been the glue.

  6. Bea taylor-jonrs says:

    I truly believe that only a really bad woman could sleep with another womans husband. No excuses! So if that is what he wants to grow old with, let him go.

  7. Bea j. says:

    The OW is always a bad person because sisters do not hurt sisters. If your husband wants to be with someone who has no character, you are much better off without him. If he is sorry, learns from his mistake and cuts it off, that is different. Carefully assess his character before begging him to come back.

  8. Greg says:

    My wife had an affair that lasted somewhere between 5 and 9 yrs. This dates back to is starting when our first child was about one yr old and only end due to me being transferred five states away. She tried to make it out as a short thing, but her AP boyfriend got her pregnant and during a secret abortion she had complications and I was called. She lied, blamed me for the pregnancy and said after three kids she could handle anymore. The truth now looks like, two of the three children I’ve raised, loved cared for and educated are not biologically mine. Way back I accused her many times, but she was a master, super spy liar, deciever and manipulator. 3 yrs ago I had a series of strokes, one heart attack and was diagnosed with MS 14 months ago. I’m an X ceo with all the trimmings and my wife was treated like a queen. Gold, diamond, Rolex, world travel and I even housed and paid for 15 yrs of care for her parents. I’m an awesome Dad and fell in Love at 18 yrs old and never looked back or touched another woman. My wife betrayed two wedding vowes (married by the state and church) hundreds of times and decided she had to “free herself” of her betrayal. But, she after a yr since D-day continues to be deceitful, claims to not remember when it started, when it end, it was on again off again, she claims to have worked hard for yrs to block out awlful it was that it all a “black hole”. But, when she starts screaming and cursing her memory is just fine. I did contact her POS boyfriend wife to tell her what a bag of sh*t her husband is and that he likely had two more kids. After what I’ve been through, if you have to ask, beg, pled or test a spouse for truth and trust – don’t walk away. Run like hell, as you will never mentally, emotionally, maritally be safe. You know what the person you are living with is capable of, will to, ok with doing to you and non of it is good for you.

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