Infidelity Fears Exist Under Your Pain and Agony Once You Bump Into D-Day (day of discovery)

The case study below indicates a couple of those fears.

The fear of not knowing and feeling safe.

First, your fear may arise because you no longer feel safe in trusting yourself. It’s difficult to trust your inner guidance and your thoughts since what you once thought was reality is called into question. This is especially powerful if your cheating husband or wife cuts him/herself off from you or presents a series of lies, mistruths, half truths or fabrications.

As well, your partner may be so tied to the affair that s/he no longer has a grasp on reality. Infidelity and extramarital affairs often live on the edge of delusions and illusions of what life is actually like.

And so, when talking to your spouse, s/he in his/her convictions may present an entirely different view of what’s happening. And, s/he does so in a manner that is utterly and totally convincing, because s/he truly believes his/her perception to be the truth.

You may hear such phrases as.. “We’re just friends, I’m not doing anything wrong, what are you talking about?” or, “You’re jumping to conclusions.”

Or, his/her actions are such that they convey that nothing is wrong. Business as usual. By looking at the cover of the book you would never guess a tragedy is unfolding. And s/he has no idea that the tragedy is unfolding as well.

And, to the extreme, you may hear from your cheating husband or wife, “I’m in love, aren’t you happy for me that I finally found it?”, or, “I deserve this – I’ve given so much, now it’s my time.” This is stated with a total disregard for your feelings or the impact those words have on you.

Your inner life, your esteem, your “groundedness” is thrown into chaos because you can’t believe this is happening.

Afraid of the future.

And, you are afraid. Afraid you have lost it! Afraid you no longer have a compass that guides you. Afraid of the future and how you might manage it, since you’ve seemingly lost your bearings.

You then begin the process of putting together an inner world that gives some comfort. But, you are on your own. And, you make assumptions, not sure if those assumptions are valid.

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Relationship Communication, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Infidelity Fears Exist Under Your Pain and Agony Once You Bump Into D-Day (day of discovery)

  1. Ray yusi says:

    I just recently made the intellectual decision to stay with my wif who cheated 10 months ago. We have only spoken about it lnfrequently, but I have worked every day since I learned of it in April.
    I am committed to my marriage and my wife–but I also am aware of deep sadness.
    My approach is to simply continue to move forward, loving her Amos best I can.
    My fear is that ultimately it won’t be good enough for her

    • TB says:

      To simply sweep it under the rug and move on without confronting the issue will not work. I hope you are getting help to “deal” with the consiquences of her actions. She should help you recover if the marriage has any chance to flourish. You can make your marriage survive by ignoring it but that won’t be fair to you and the chances of her repeating are great under that senerio.

      • Louise says:

        I agree with the reply. One cannot sweep it under the carpet. It must be dealt with in an adult like manner. My spouse would not deal with it. He said he wanted to make the marriage work, but after saying he would never see her again, he kept seeing her for three more months. I found out by analyzing our phone bill. He was telling repeated lies…then when I filed for divorce he said he was sorry, but then would not do what needed to be done to strengthen our marriage. He thought it would just go away by saying he was sorry and that he made a mistake…but when it came to talk about it, he flatly refused. He told me to get over it…

        We are now divorced and it cost us a lot of money, but I am going on with my life. My health has improved and I am more confident…and just think this happened in our senior years. He chose a younger woman who knew both of us…It was horrific.

  2. Steve says:

    I survived an my wife’s affair, our marriage wasn’t great it had broken down over years, we were drifting so slowly apart that we (well I ) didn’t notice we were drifting until we were an ocean apart. Our relationship became one of logistics around parenting and nothing much more.

    We talked and it went downhill, we started living separate lives under one roof until i discovered there was another man. I went crazy (in my head) but then I read the 7 habits by stephen covey it made me think about what I had done. I took responsibility for my actions.

    I built my relationship back by being proactive and growing as a man, her relationship with the new guy failed, we decided to work things out with me knowing that she had had sex with another man.

    The thought that helped me recover was this.
    She had slept with other people before I met her and I didn’t get upset about that.
    Why was I so upset about the fact she had slept with another. I put him in the same category as all the others before I ever met her and it made the pain more manageable.

    I believe our renewed marriage will be stronger than before once you have been to the depth of despair you don’t want to return and you know how your actions led you there, you wouldn’t repeat them again, unless you are a moron!

    • Franco Aquino Oropesa says:

      the other man is not in the same category as other men she slept with before. the other guys she slept with before happened before you two made a vow to each other. the new happened after you two made a vow. There is a big difference. If you had slept with other women after you two had your vows i’m pretty sure your wife would be mad at you

  3. Nancy says:

    My husband and I are both in individual counseling at this time. We have been married for 39 years. Last month he admitted to cheating off and on during this time. He admits to cheating on me when we were just girlfriend and boyfriend as well. So, he has cheated on me with at least seven different women (two including a close friend and a friend). He states he loves me and has always loved me and really does not know what drove him to be the person that he was (he states he has not cheated since 2007) but he just could not not tell me any longer because of his guilty feelings. I don’t know whether to believe him or not because I don’t know what to think anymore. I am very fearful at this time. I fear: my future (financially and emotionally), my ability to not be fooled like this again, giving him another chance, being hurt at this magnitude, being alone and a life without him (we have been together since I was 16 and he was 17 years old!), still loving him and being disappointed in myself for these feelings, what type of example this sends to my adult daughters (we told them) and embarrassment (other people knew this and know now that I know). We are communicating now more than we have ever done regarding: our childhood memories, feeling and things we ‘saw’ or ‘felt’ as children, the presence of cheating parents, relatives and family friends, our way of interacting with each other as boyfriend/girlfriend and as husband/wife and our ‘true’ feelings about ourselves individually and as a couple. I do NOT trust him and fear a life with a person that I do not trust and really do not know. As I stated, we are both in therapy and he recently got baptized, is attending church and Sunday School along with the Wednesday night Bible Study. I am not even sure he is doing this for the right reasons. I really do not know what to think and what to do…that is actually terrifying.

    • sisvasti says:

      Sorry to hear about your situation. The pile of trash of lies and unfaithfulness is high that digging and cleaning is a challenge. The smell of it only gets worse as you get to the bottom before you and him can start cleaning it. Trust is hard because it’s broken into so many pieces. Our value and self esteem is also shattered. Glad to hear to are in counseling. As you learn how o trust again please share it with us who are still struggling. …
      It happen to me to married for 35 yrs. I had a hunch after 6 months of being married but he lied. I feel like I wasted my life on blaming myself for dead marriage and husband. So I understand this issue of mistrust because I’ve been lied too.

      • Robyn says:

        wait…trust needs to be earned. And a cheating partner blew your trust, crushed your heart, and can’t be trusted. No cognitive dissonance here. Just in the same boat. It’s unbelievably painful, just have to give up the delusion that this person who cheats is ever going to put you first. He won’t. And it’s not your fault. Just be the loving person you are, and never let another person turn you into a spiteful person. I know, it’s hard. Your the better one.

    • Louise says:

      Trust is a big subject. I trusted my spouse to the tenth degree…then the lies began. The deception. I must say he was a great liar.

      I know how you feel. After the affair I even discovered other affairs he had had with other women and yes, he even tried to have an affair with a very close friend who had stopped seeing me as she did not know how to tell me that he had approached her. But when I called her to tell her what I was going through, she confided in me. My spouse does not know this and I have told him he needs to confess all and that I know more than what he thinks I know. He still has not confessed and I do not think he ever will.

      Now, what helped me get through the pain was detachment. A friend of mind suggested that I detach from the thoughts of the future and the past. Watch and observe and the truth will easily be seen. Trust me, that is when I started seeing the cold hard truth. It was painful, but it was also easier for me to let go by being detached. And I was 74 when it was happening. Now I am a single 75 year young woman making a new life. Good luck to you.

  4. GY says:

    When discussing infidelity in general terms, it is easy to miss that there are many people out there with cognitive issues that are relatively mild in comparison to major other mental illnesses, and that those issues may impact the quality of relationships level of connection between partners, and the likelihood of resorting to cheating and lying.
    I know a case where after researching marriage problems when fidelity was discovered, it turned out that the cheating partner had many symptoms indicating ADD including impulsivity and inattentiveness to their spouse. In those cases the core issues need to be addressed as well as infidelity.
    After the D-day shock wears off, it is good to step back, look at the whole cheating person’s habits and attitudes and their general way to handle life and situations, to see if there are other deeper issues at play.
    Good luck to all in the good fight, and remember that you deserve to be with a level-headed and trustworthy partner who is invested in your marriage.

    • honorable gentleman says:

      GY, it turns out my wife is such an individual. She has mild ADD. Our marriage, relationship, was always complicated by it and ultimately she confessed to cheating while engaged after I exposed her affair while being married. She is educating herself, we had counseling and we are repairing our marriage. I now see her is simply as a person with a handicap.

      • Tabitha says:

        I have ADD and that does not make me a handicap! I am sorry, but you are dilusional to believe that what caused her to cheat is because she has ADD. I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband, however, he has been unfaithful to me. Do not let this woman con you like this! This literally makes me sick and angry for you!

      • Sam says:

        I too have ADD – it does not make me a cheat, nor handicapped!
        Do not use ADD to excuse your your wife’s bad behaviour.
        There are reasons our spouses cheat – but NO excuses.
        My wife cheated with her boss for a number of years until we emigrated.
        She now has to find out why she felt the need for another mans affection.
        It is her weakness that caused her to cheat.
        I’ve agreed to stay in the marriage on the condition that she discloses whatever information I ask for and that she goes for counselling on her own, in addition to our marital counselling, to find out what caused her to cheat.

    • Louise says:

      Thanks for your closing comment…yet, after discovery how can one ever know for sure that the partner will be trustworthy – since they never were?

  5. Sybil Roach says:

    I too am an elder woman who is still trying to deal with a cheating.husband. D day was a week ago. After 4 years it still stings. We are existing under one roof, separate bed room. We carry on socially but he has many things going on so I don’t see him.much. He may have other women but I don’t ask. I would like to hear from.Louise.

  6. Barb says:

    After 30+ yrs in this marriage knowing something was wrong in the beginning but was told otherwise, I learned 3 yrs ago some of the truth. I moved out. We are not divorced and still trying to work on it. Trust is a challenge when my spouse apparently lives in a fog. He doesn’t remember his actions even from a day ago. He doesn’t suffer with dementia, believe me. He just has bad case of forgetfulness. I catch him seeing someone. He tells me,” I don’t remember seeing that person.” Though he looked 3x and greater than 2 min. It doesnt help with the trust!
    anyone has the same issue with their spouse?

  7. Tenisha says:

    Recently my husband of 15 years has cheated on me. When he was caught he claimed that he slept with a woman with 8 children in a shelter. I am a successful woman with one small child. We both came from broken homes so I knew we were both working to make things better for us and learn how to be committed to each other, but in the last few years we are not getting along and he tends to verbally abuse me and/or our son, when I don’t let him he gets mad and acts like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with our son, but he stopped helping me financially for about 6 months and now we have to move to another place so my son has a place before school starts. Now I know that he was spending his money on this other lady which caused so much stress in our family. I want to believe that we were both very neglectful to our responsibilities lately and I am willing to forgive, doing counseling and move forward with our marriage and raising our kids, but some days he seemed to be happy with the idea and some days he doesn’t. I could always read this man, but after finding out everything I just don’t know what to believe anymore. He says he is not seeing her anymore, but idk? Should I just take this as a sign the man don’t want me and just feeling sorry for me, its too late to make things right?

  8. John says:

    My wife had affair with her boss 20 years ago. We were married 5 years at the time. We are still married and have recently celebrated our 26th anniversary. It has been soooo HARD. It is the most pain one can imagine. It completely changed our marriage in ways I could never believe. It continues to hurt. We never fully discussed what and why it happened. Believe me that if you dont discuss it, it will come back in a ferocious way. My wife had an extremely unpleasant childhood. Raped at 16. Alcoholic parents. No electricity for a year yet money for beer and cigarettes. Awful childhood. Lots of betrayal on part of siblings. I knew of all this and supported and loved fully. I thought that her knowing how much she hurt as child, her parents got divorced after it was revealed that her mother was having a sexual affair with husbands cousin. Guns fired, threats. Sandy learned to completely tune things out. We had rough 1st 5 years. She didnt like sex. The rape I assume. Yet she saw fit to have a 6 month affair with boss, meeting in motel room by the hour to have sex. They went boating, picnicing, you name it. I was devastated. I had always been there for her and she repaid me this way. We had just built a beautiful home on 5 acres. Just had our second child. I was completely humiliated. After 20 years it came back with a vengeance. She was also devastated by the fact that she was capable of risking EVERYTHING for this man. He was also a friend of mine. So much to say. She has always maintained to this very day that she doesn’t know why she did it. If you are willing to risk everything there has to be a reason why. I think I have been very patient and understanding. We very rarely discussed it for 20 years. For 6 months after d-day I was a raging lunatic. I’m surprised she stayed. I won’t to know why and will not accept,”I don’t know.” Am I wrong to think like this? I stayed for children. We never fought in front of them. Vacations etc. They are both successful. We have a beautiful Grandson. I love my children more than life. But I believe I have a right to know. It upsets her immensely to talk about it but she can’t imagine what hurt and upset is like. I’ve hurt for 20 years. Am I wrong. Help. Thanks to all.

    • Notcluelessanymore says:

      You absolutely have a right to know. It took him 29years to tell me the truth (this is after actively gaslighting me for two months). I know, I finally told my children and I outed him and his affair partner to her husband. Best thing that I ever did for myself. Keep pushing her and tell her that you will no longer allow her to duck the consequences of her behavior. It is time to process this. Buy her the Not Just Friends book (Shirley Glass) and Frank Pittman Private Lies. Good luck. And persevere.

    • Franco Aquino Oropesa says:

      my wife also cheated on me. and based on my research there is only one reason your wife and my wife cheated, she is selfish and too self centered. for sure she knew that having an affair is wrong, but she did it anyway, because she didn’t thought of the pain she would cause you, she only thought of the pleasure she would get, its also the reason why she doesn’t want to talk about it, she only cares about her embarassement on how stupid her actions were, she doesn’t care about the pain you are going through brought about by her affair. my advice to you is to explain this to her as simple as possible and calmly, if she still refuses to discuss it with you, then leave her for good, you do not deserve this kind of treatment from her, the reason she is doing this is because she see in you that you are willing to tolerate this

  9. Paul says:

    My wife cheated on me with my sons soccer coach for three years. We had been together for 26 yrs when she betrayed me, our family and lost her self respect. She never did fully divulge everything. I exposed her and everything was layed out to her. This guy was such a piece of scum. In the end she was dumped. His friend acknowledged to me she was nothing more than a sex toy and played with her head leading her on where she even thought she was the one in control. Instead of going after him physically I decided to go after him professionally and get into his head. All our conversations were recorded where first he denied then admitted when I exposed the evidence. My wife’s conversations were even recorded. I am not going to get into a he said/she said moment. I presented to his powers above and he was forced to resign. God knows that I wanted to kick his ass and divorce my wife. It has been two years since I exposed them but have kept it under wraps to protect my kids. My daughter is now off in college and my son will be a senior in high school next yr. I thought I could get past this but I do not see my wife in the same light and the emotions are back at full force. I am 53 yrs. old and I hate the loneliness of not having a true companion anymore and I cannot be intimate with her. It’s like having sloppy seconds. Maybe if she would dive back into our marriage again I could get past this but she hasn’t. She has lost a piece of herself as well that she has changed. She confided in a friend everything during the affair because her friend was having an affair to and they both lived in their on false reality. I spent a long time gathering evidence, texts and documented lies. She followed the standard text book lies and deceptions that a blind man could see through. Everything is documented in a binder and all recordings are safe. Sounds screwed up but my wife , her friend and the guy will be taken down by there own stupidity if and when needed. I am not obsessed but I found it more important to have evidence rather than here say. At some point later down the road my kids will see the truth of the downfall of our marriage for themselves. She knows I have all this. I even wrote a 38 page diary of my inner feeling trying to get through this affair. My wife could only make it through half way before stopping. It was a well thought out evaluation. My end thought is I really donot know how to get her to re-engage in our marriage. We have good and bad days but I see my wife like vaneer She looks pretty on the outside but cheap underneath. I will welcome any thoughts. In the end I wish I had my best friend and love of my life back

    • Doug says:

      Eighteen years ago my wife had a year-long affair with someone she met at work. She signed the house over to me and had to start working full-time. Our kids were aged 2 and 9 at the time. My circumstances seem very similar to yours. I reconciled with my wife only because I didn’t want to be a part-time father and didn’t want anyone else raising my kids. I realized a few years ago that I will never be able to just forget what happened and, like you, there will be times every day when it will haunt me and have a difficult time being close with her. I believe a person who chooses to have an affair has ever truly loved their spouse but also have a hard time imagining what it would be like to start over at 55.

  10. Raymond Yusi says:

    You must make the intellectual distinction between Forgiveness and Forgetting.
    You must forgive. You can never forget.
    Then manage the two with awareness, KNOW you are forgiving while understanding that you cannot forget.

    Good luck.

  11. Felipe says:

    I am thankful to all of the commenters out there who are sharing their experiences of infidelity/ adultery, and the heartbreak of broken relationships. Personally, I am stuck in a sexless/ loveless marriage, and believe my wife fulfills her emotional and physical needs elsewhere. Every night, I go to bed lonely and unloved, and feeling the complete unfairness of being made to feel this way despite having given everything I have and am to this marriage. I believe we fell into the usual trap of monotony and the stress of having kids/ job which ultimately led to the dissolution of our relationship. With no one to come watch the kids so we could be alone together, and stay connected, my wife took initiatives to build her own life – without me. We live together, sleep in the same bed together, but do not touch, kiss, hold hands, hug, or engage in any intimacy whatsoever. This is her own unilateral choice, though, as I would welcome the opportunity to be close with her again. I have remained faithful, go to work every day, pay all of the bills (she has been a stay at home mom, but it’s time for her to contribute towards the household), and have never cheated. While I stay at home with the kids after work, she gets ready and goes out to bars. Then comes home really late and locks herself in the bathroom for hours. We get along, don’t fight, but are not connected at all. My only recourse is to read, study, research, and contemplate relationships, marriage, divorce, and human psychology. None of that, though, is getting me to where I want to be which is in a healthy, happy, loving marriage with the person whom I love most in this world, and with whom I took a vow and made a commitment. Help! It’s Groundhog Day for the last six years…

    • dave says:

      So you are a dependable person who pays the bills. So what, so are lots of single people! They go to work and they pay all of their bills but dont expect someone to love them for it.

      You need to be passionate about life and living. Take your kids out at night, go have fun with them. Take them away for the weekend doing something you really like doing. DONT SIT ON YOUR ASS WAITING for it to get better

    • dave says:

      You want your wife back or to love you again, give her something to love and be attracted to.

      I mean yeah, my wife cooks and cleans and looks after the kids and for that I am grateful but thats not why I want to take her to bed, or out to the movies or on a date. I want to take her out because she is fun to be around, she is sexy and she has lots of great friends and an active social life.

      It honestly sounds like you have given up on you, and your wife doesnt love you anymore, but she did when she met you. Go back to your roots and inject more fun into your life!!!

  12. MollyMagee says:

    Why are we all we who have been betrayed so afraid to be alone and at peace with ourselves and our lives? It’s the common theme here. Fear of change and being alone and hurting our kids thru either moving on and ending marriage,or staying and appearing to condone what is ok to put up with… breaking of vows, etc.
    We need to all remember that if we stay married we will be alone too… eventually thru one spouse dying. Nothing, not even a long marriage, is forever. Life ends. What do we want our legacy to be? Faith, forgiveness, loyalty to others or to our own precious lives? We all have a line of disloyalty and rejection that we can’t come back from. Ask yourself… what is my line? Maybe it’s been crossed already and maybe not. It is unique for each of us. No one,can tell us but us. I think it’s amazing here that few people mention STD testing. That’s the best indicator of a spouse’s commitment to me… mine didn’t protect me. I will be tested yearly now forever or until such time we might not be together. I got my base line testing soon after Dday. I insisted he do too. I know if I catch anything, moving foward, that it came from him. That would call it… the end. I’d be finished with marriage. He is not capable of protecting me on basic level. I know this now. He is trying but he threw me and my future health under the bus of his nareasistic “needs”. For now I stay for my disabled teen son who adores both of us. I do not want to put him thru upheaval of divorce. He has MH issues too from my falling apart post accidentally discovering my husband’s texting, sexting and then physical affair. I crumbled and then my son did. Til he’s more stabilized young adult I’m stating. I take inspiration from the 75 year old woman who, post ending herarriage to cheating long term spouse, described herself as a “free young woman” at 74!!! Good for her. Free at last. It’s never too late to restart your life and redefine your future. Alone is not dead. Alone and at peace, content and not filledd with self doubt has to be better than coupled and paranoid, worried, not trusting and in a lonely, broken marriage of cheating and deception. MM

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