4 Types of Affairs that Require Self Protection

Sad Teenage Girl Sitting In Bedroom Whilst Boyfriend Sleeps

Protecting your self may be important to consider.

Sometimes these types of affairs require extra attention and the need to protect self:

I Can’t Say No

“My Marriage Made Me Do It” – the frog in hot water analogy

I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love

“I Don’t Want to Say No”

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7 Responses to 4 Types of Affairs that Require Self Protection

  1. BAC says:

    This was very helpful. I have been struggling to figure out what I am dealing with, and it appears to be a combination of My Marriage Made Me Do It and a Revenge affair. I’m a bit confused about my strategy, and after a 24 year marriage, my husband appears confused about how he is relating to me – he moved out but calls me weekly and makes plans to do things with me. He won’t have sex with me and trys to avoid any type of contact which will get him too close, and I see this is actually a struggle for him. He appears very confused about what he is doing, but is trying to be “honorable” to his paramor. He accuses me of his own conduct. He is in a full blown mid-life crisis and really is a mess. He is arrogant and cruel, but then will try to do nice things. When he gets too close he starts pulling away again. I am having difficulty figuring out how to relate to him. I feel I’m in a “cake and eat it too” situation and wonder if I need to just put some added space there. I bought myself flowers one weekend he was visiting his girlfriend (out of the country) and he waited 4 days to ask me where I got them – he couldn’t stand it. I feel like he doesn’t want to lose me but doesn’t want me to be romantically connected – like he is afraid to admit he still has feelings for me. I think that he is having trouble with being cut off from his home. Do I just cut him off from me for a while? I think it bothers him, and he has been so disrespectful of me and I have been his rock for years. I needed 2 major surgeries and so he stayed with me for the last year (found out about all of this a year ago) and he has been kind and also cold and cruel. He won’t take any responsibility for his horrible conduct but feels some type of duty – like he needs me around yet can’t be close. This is a wierd one. I feel instinctively that I need to just be unavailable right now because I have been a total caretaker for years. I think it bugs him he can’t be controlling and that I am now doing whatever I wish and he has nothing to say. He is very conflicted and I am now too. He has been getting more verbally abusive in the last 4 years, increasing his drinking, but all the while pre-affair telling me how much he loves me. Now he tells me that he has made a mistake, and has been unhappy for a very long time. He has every classic issue of mid-life crisis – motorcycle, tanning, working out, serious vanity issues, insecurities going back to childhood, dyeing his hair, started smoking again, etc. He tells me that we are physically incompatible, intellectually incompatible, and other stuff, which is complete b.s. It sounds like he is making stuff up to convince himself that he cheated because of our marriage and is now revising our history after the fact. He is lying to himself about our relationship and making crap up. He was never like this and was extremely loyal. I really think it is his fear of dying and not having what he thinks he is missing in life. He has turned into an adolescent and dressing like he was in his 20s again. Literally – same exact clothing.
    At this point I think I need to just let him feel the pain of the loss of his home and wife. He moved 3 miles away – and we live in Los Angeles and he has a very long commute to his job. His girlfriend lives in Canada. He is still ordering me around like I am his wife still. I really don’t get this, other than it really is another adolescence and he is a mess. Do I follow frog in water or do I address his needs? Or both? Do I just disappear for a while because he is so dependent on me? I really don’t know how to deal with this and I don’t want to play games, but I think some absence may help him think more. Could use some advice. Love your materials and all the great stuff here – Bless You!

  2. mera says:

    I started to read your story and thought for a minute perhaps I had posted this and forgotten about it. I threw my partner of nearly 19 years out last October – 2 months after finding out that he had been having an affair with a woman a couple of streets away from where we live. It had been going on for several years (along with a whole lot of other sexually related stuff I hadn’t known about either) and it seems that he had been telling her what he has subsequently repeatedly told me – I just need time to sort myself out – but he never does. That’s too hard. She put up with it for 4 years it seems and is still putting up with it – they haven’t moved in together and he tells our daughter he likes living on his own (never mind about the impact on her it seems). Sometimes he says he’s having a midlife crisis. He bought the motorcycle and the sneakers too.
    I will not be like his girlfriend. I am trying to break free.It’s hard because I see her and sometimes them together too often for comfort. And because of our daughter I have to see him a lot too. This is really hard because of his refusal to communicate.
    However except when it suits me I will not let him do things “for me” and given that despite his repeated protestations that he still loves me, he persists in saying we are sexually incompatible etc I have finally started on line dating and enjoying it quite a bit. I am very sad that our life together has been ruined and am not sure I will be able to keep up the lifestyle we had. I thought throwing him out would make him come to his senses but everytime he allows the girlfriend back into his life he withdraws comprehensively from me emotionally and that feels abusive too. Often it feels like payback because I threw him out – like I should have just let him have his cake and eat it too. He still seems to feel that I should do things for him – collect our daughter if he is late when it is his turn, organise tickets to her choir/school concerts for him, etc etc. I am trying to tighten up the boundaries (eg taken his house keys off him) but if he thinks I am not there and sometimes even if he knows I am there he will coming in the back door, making himself coffee and even taking the dog for a walk )he basically tells me nothing about what’s going on. Even things that need to be discussed about our daughter he uses her to to tell me – eg he’s taking a holiday to some islands or he just emails me. He is so unwilling to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions. I think ultimately he will be a sad character on his own unless he gets serious help. He has admitted he needs help and got it a couple of times but then just given in to the girlfriend again. His own dad followed a similar path it seems and ended up a lonely man who died an early death on his own. I feel like I have been a slow learner but am finally learning to take note of his actions and ignore his words.

  3. Martin says:

    I have been married since jan 1997 and we have three kids two boys and and a girl.When we married my spouse had just one Ordinary level subject but I was already having my first degree.I later encouraged her to add her o levels of which she did in 2008 and thereafter I enrolled her for a teacher’s diploma in primary education which she finished second quarter of 2012.In 2014 I encouraged to enroll for a degree in education which she is completing in November 2016.My marital problem started when she befriend a lady who later deserted her family and is staying alone after moving out as husband could not bear her affirnity to date numerous men,married for that matter.Her influence has caused and is still causing untold suffering to my marriage as she always wants to be accompanied by my spouse when she does games and she always invites her at her free home,may now also giving room to my spouse to hide boy friends.Kindly assist

  4. Sheri says:

    Dear BAC,
    I could have written that post. It mirrors my situation. I’m curious to know how you dealt with it because I’m unsure what steps I should take.

  5. Nikki says:

    After I read all of these texts, which were all quite similar regarding the behavior of the spouse, I felt I just had to comment on what I have recently just become aware of. My husband is a professional, well respected, loved by the community, appears to be a good father, appears to be a good husband, and appears to be a levelheaded polite well spoken Man. And I say appears to be, because that is what the public sees, that is what friends and family say. However at home behind closed doors it is quite different. He has become verbally abusive and psychologically abusive to me. He never takes responsibility for any thing he loses. He always blames it on me or the kids. He starts arguments, and then when I try to defend myself and my position, he turns my words around on me. He tells me all the time that I am the one who has changed. He told me I used to be sexy, and intelligent and fun.. I think I still am all of these things! He told me I was a horrible mother, and only cared about myself, and lied all the time. None of these things are me at all! But when he told me that I used to be kind, that was where I knew that something was weird. I am still kind! We went to couples counseling, and I left every session feeling worse about myself. My husband would turn around everything I said and everything became my fault. When I brought up the fact that I thought he was having an affair, he said” well if I am it’s because you don’t please me anymore.” He never took ownership of his actions or responsibility for how his words made other people feel. I have ADHD, and I thought we were dealing with and ADHD marriage. But as I did more researching, I came to realize that what we were really dealing with is the fact that my husband is most likely narcissisticly abusive. NARCISSIST ABUSE is a very particular type of abuse that is directed mostly at the significant other, and sometimes other family members. It does not usually include physical abuse. But it does include everything that all these posts have mentioned. They never take responsibility, they don’t care how their actions affect others, they feel they are above the law or moral standards, they are entitled to whatever they want Including sex on-demand, and they often are very cruel, in words and in deeds. This is a personality disorder that begins in childhood but can manifest mostly in adulthood. It sounds like this this could be what all these spouses are dealing with. If this rings true for anyone, all you have to do is Google narcissistic abuse, and a bunch of information will be there. This seems to be an issue that many around the world have.
    My best wishes to everyone in their healing.

    • Nikki says:

      Also the hidden nature of this type of abuse can make figuring it out and getting out quite difficult. And it is highly detrimental to the children!

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