Do I Confront the OP?

Jealousy

In this 5th video of the Surviving Infidelity Series, I share my surprising research results on the question: Do I Confront the OP (Other Person)?

I give observations on how particular people find the confrontation helpful and those would be better refraining from the confrontation.

Various tips are given on confrontation, if that is your choice.

And, I examine confronting the other person in light of types of infidelity, specifically the “I Don’t Want to Say No,” “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love,” and the “I Need to Prove my Desirability” types of affairs.

This entry was posted in Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Surviving Infidelity Videos, Types of Affairs and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Do I Confront the OP?

  1. Cheryl Riley says:

    You didn’t mention the “My Marriage Made me do it” confronting the OP. It seems to me that contacting the OP solidifies the triangle your now in, creates the open door whereby they feel they can contact you right back, it happened with my H and I, my first contact was upon initial discovery of affair, 2nd time was at the end of the affair, both times were awful, due to the manipulative,lying,conniving way she was and how much “in Love” she felt he was with her.

  2. ivan schou says:

    yes a woman can destroy a family she took the kids gets a divorce going is screwing around.why bother with confrontation.it was her not the other person it was her and the courts every one seems to side with the poor woman lol.

  3. Donna says:

    You didn’t want to go into confronting the OP, if the affair was I need to prove my desireability, that was my husbands need…. can you explain to me briefly why?
    thank you

  4. Donna says:

    I to would like to know why not to confront the OP if the affair was “I need to prove my disireability”. Thank you.

  5. Sue says:

    I, too, would like to know why not to confront the OP if the affair was because my husband wanted to prove his desirability. Thank you.

  6. Gina says:

    My husband had an Emotional Affair.I never intended on confronting the OW. I did write her a letter though.Didn’t accomplish anything. Until a week ago when a public event forced me face to face with her. I handled things calmly, with grace and dignity.I had nothing to be ashamed of. My husband was very proud of me for controlling myself and rising above my feelings. She wasn’t worth getting upset over, then or now. I have what she wants, my husband. We are still together and things are getting better and better with each passing day. Rise above the temptation. You’ll regret it later.

  7. sally says:

    I would never confront the other person. much as I would like to it is not in my personality trait. I do wonder about her and what she does that is so much better. I would like to thank you for your help Dr. I bought your book and read your material all the time. Unfortuanatly, I am a reactor. which just fuels the fire.. Maybe you could address that issue. thank you so much.. sally

  8. Melissa says:

    The OW was a friend, I found an email she had sent my husband and confronted my husband on this as well as forwarding the email to her asking for her to explain it to me. She replied back to me that she was in love with my husband but he loved me so that was the end of that then. At this point any sexual activity was denied by both parties and she had told me she would ring me the next day as she had to work.
    After thinking about what the conversation would acheive I sent her a text message telling her not to call me that I wouldn’t get the truth as they have probably got their stories straight. I then told her I wanted her out of our lives and that she was a selfish person all this time pretending to be my friend all to boost my husbands ego. Her response was a nasty response but I just left it at that. I was tempted to tell her exactly what I thought of her but I deleted her email address, phone number and sold every item she ever purchased for my husband, my baby boy and me. She was gone!
    In the end I was the one who was empowered by just shuting her out – I wanted her to feel that she was dead to me and that she had no power over the healing of my marriage. She continued to send text messages which my husband was very transparent about stating that she was going to destroy him and our family, she even told him to go and hang himself. (charming lady)..
    All of our mutual friends now see me as the strong powerful woman who has courage and not the nasty spiteful woman that she was trying to convince my husband and friends I was.
    She had to move away and no one talks to her so who won in the end!!

  9. penne says:

    I absolutely believe in confronting the OP. You have to know what you are dealing with before you can know how to act. My husband had an emotional affair with a Chinese woman half his age that he met on business trips to Asia. When the affair became known to me, I went with him on one of the trips, had to spend a day with her (the worst day of my life). I his words she was”just a friend”. Took her measure, found her vulnerabilities, put it one the line with my husband – No, we can’t just be friends, no she is not the daughter I never had,( what a bunch of self-serving nonsense) and told her by phone sometime after returning home what would be the consequences if she continued to call or see him. It was the only way to stop the affair. I cannot say my marriage is good but the affair is over. It would not have been, had I not confronted her

  10. tim says:

    Confronting the the OP…its an interesting idea. I never did and there are days when I want to…but what good would that do anyone really. My wifes affair has been over for over two years. I really did not know the guy but had heard of him because they worked together for awhile a long time ago. If I confronted him would I really get the truth. I think not. What would I see. Do I need to compare myself to him. On the days I still get mad I think I’m gonna call him and give him a piece of my mind. But the fact is my wife said yes to the affair and the decision was a two way street. I stop and say what good would come out of it. So I sit out the emotion, which lasts anywhere from hours to days and then I move on with it. He knows I know from my wifes last communication with him awhile back and I feel I selfishly have more power this way. I know thats probably not the best way to look at it but it works for me right now. The affair is over and we are working on rebuilding so thats what I need to focus on. If I came across him in say a costco or something I’m not sure what I would do. I would home to maintain some dignity but I would cross that bridge if I ever come across it.

  11. Joe says:

    I am about to see the OP at an unavoidable public event. It’s been over a year now, but my desire to destroy him is overwhelming. Compassion for his wife and kids has stopped me to this point.

    Is “public humiliation” the same as “confronting the OP?” I am the keynote speaker.

  12. D says:

    i just confronted the OP on the phone and told her not to write anything stupid on her blog and fb again (we have mutual friends so i can see her comments). told her to get away from our lives and at the same time she said there was misunderstanding and she is suffering too and does not want us to call her again. i was happy (?!) after the call, at least i thought she felt bad and regretted. however she called my H a few hours later and asked that we dont disturb her again and she’s suffering. she called twice. my H called me back about this and said he didn’t respond at all during the calls. i was pissed that she called him and he also listened to her. things still going on now… i sent her a text asking her to call me direct. i know i am stupid but i cant tolerate her calling my H.

  13. Desert says:

    Best thing I ever did was confront her. Tell her husband and turn her into her employer for sending dirty pictures during working hours with students. She will never talk to my husband again and pretty sure she lost her job as a teacher. Sorry but she hates me and me her for changing my life. Apparently her marriage had already survived infidelity and her husband wasn’t surprised. I remain unclear on who was unfaithful in their marriage but whatever. It’s been almost 18 mos from d-day. We have a new baby now. I don’t recommend that but I wouldn’t still be here otherwise. It gave me a reason to stay and work on it. I’m glad I did.

  14. Dave says:

    How about exposing them on Social Media. Especially since this affair has been going on for a long time and they are out in public and the 3rd party the boyfriend owns his own businesses and this company deals with school offices not to mention owns two dirt track pro-stock race cars and they running around to the tracks.. back toward the beginning of it all he told her not to divorce because it was too expensive he is divorced

  15. Leucan says:

    After some detective work I discovered my wife’s OM was an undocumented alien. I used that to my advantage and confronted him and threatened to have him deported. He broke it off and disappeared shortly after. Had I not done that who know how long it would have gone on. Good riddance! Wife is still mourning his loss but maybe now my marriage can start to recover??

  16. SoManyTears says:

    Did I confront and did it help? After 11 years married with NO problems at all (seriously, not even an argument) I accidently discovered my H had been having 2 affairs. One for the past 15 months and then 2 weeks later, found out about another one lasting our entire marriage. I knew both OW. My H encouraged me to be friends with them. The 15 mo OW was a recent widow, weighed over 350 lbs, had a colostomy bag (due to anal cancer) was on disability and looked like Shrek. The 11year OW was short, fat, toothless, mentally handicapped and married. My CH has told me that he chose BOTH of these women because they were easy prey and would keep his secrets. He knew they could be manipulated “like puppets on a string”. He knew they would lap up his attention. He has said he felt sorry for them. I confronted both. Both lied. The 15 mo OW had always loved my H. In fact, he had cheated on his first wife with her over 35 years ago (and over the years during other relationships). The 11 year woman had her husband’s permission and was told by my H that I knew and was “on board” with the arrangement. It did me no good to confront. Both OW were lied to and liars. The 15 mo OW is dead now. Died from her anal cancer (caused from HPV) spreading to her spine. I now have anal HPV. The 11 year OW has been in hiding since DDay (June 2013). I hear she’s having health issues. Wonder if it’s HPV related? In all of this, I realize it’s my CH that is the problem. How he treats women. I KNOW I did nothing wrong. He is warped. He maintains both OW were “just friends”. He “can’t remember” anything, but says he’s sorry for whatever he did to hurt me. I am financially unable to leave. I have been living a nightmare for almost 4 years. He tried saying he did this because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, but I’m not having that. Since DDay, I have discovered he’s cheated on every woman he’s ever been with. It caused arguments and then breakups. He has a pattern. He uses the excuses of a bad childhood and he’s “just a man”. Poor thing! Nope, not having that either. I believe he is sick. This has forever changed me and I don’t understand how someone can do this to another human being. He and all his OW have serious integrity problems. What i have learned from all of this is : If one cheats, don’t expect truth from them and NEVER fully trust anyone.

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