Can I Stop the Affair?

relationships and sexual problems concept - wife caught man chea

This is the third video in the Surviving Infidelity Q&A Series by Dr. Huizenga – the infidelity coach.

Can you stop the affair? Dr. Huizenga emphatically says NO! And, there are reasons why you don’t want to stop the affair.

But, there are ways to “influence” the progression of the affair and this has much more power.

Learn why….

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14 Responses to Can I Stop the Affair?

  1. Geraldine Horgan says:

    Hello, as i said i am from dublin and you have my email address and i would only be too delighted to tell my story.. i have so much to impart and help others with… i have been through the mill but would love to talk one to one with someone on the email who has a similar infedility problem… husband unfaithful, child born, 20 years of verbal abuse etc and put downs. g

    • RG says:

      The part of your comment that struck a chord with me was “20 years of verbal abuse.” I have endured that. This, however, is a second marriage. We have no children together, but we have added a child to our lives (Our/my grandson). We both agreed to this.

  2. Elaine Austin says:

    Hi,

    Although not exactly similar, in as much as I have not got ‘live’ child/ren with my husband. We have been together since 1990, (married in 1993) have had two preg together, lost both, one at 5.5 months o at 3 months. Supoorted him through a fraud ‘allegation’ at work, supported him through him getting further education, to have him tell me 2 years ago that he was having an affair with someone at work (she had been married for 25 year) All of this happened in 2007. The first year following the discovery of his affair was hell for me, suffered a lot of emotional abuse, during this second year, have slowly rebuilt my confidence and self esteem. Still having to live under the sameroof, as the house has been on the market for a year and not sold.

    Just realsied that he is still seeing her, sent them both an email tonite, telling them that I know and I have seen a solicitor. Somehow feeling relived that I know that they are still seeing each other- dont have to guess, and got my final full stop.

    Living in hope that the universe will support me to have something good in my life in the fututre, just wanting some peace at the moment

  3. Dawn Atkins says:

    Hi there,

    wanted to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
    I am just getting to the end and life is becoming easier. I have gone through the survival and irrational stage and have begun to build my self confidence and am am not as angry or hurt anymore.
    I have read lots of Infidelity support stuff and this definately helped in the beginning. Now I am looking at building a new life. I reaslised that for 30 years I was rowing in a boat doing all the work with someone in the back and then looked round to find I was rowing on my own!!!
    Please rean some barbara deAngelis books, these are so healing and made me think more about who i am and my self worth. I will not be beaten by this stage of my life and will learn a lot from it and be much more aware of where I got hurt and how. There is a right man for the real you……….you just need to find the real you and live life the way you want to………..hope you find peace, love and a good man soon……..but not too soon!!
    Dawn

  4. fairlady says:

    I endured nine months of a cheating spouse I overlooked his spending our household money and found out he was supporting another woman. He stopped taking an interest in our home,children and grandchildren. I confronted him and he of course told me I was crazy. He belittled and degraded me and told me that they decided that I had wasted 30 years of his life and that he hated me. HE beat me and so I closed all the bank accounts credit card and two months later started getting calls from a repo guy for a car he had helped her purchase I had them repossess the car for they came top my home with the tow truck and then I sent the tow truck to the place of his employment. So then she began to call me at work pretending to be a creditor asking for my credit card numbers for she said she knew I held all these cards. I took all his clothes to his sister’s house and told him to stay away and changed the locks to our home and told him to stay away. He said “why are you doing this to me?” “Why are you leaving me?” I informed him that he had left me a long time ago about two years ago when he started the affair and I did not even realize that he had taken all of our family’s pictures out of his wallet. well it’s been three months and he is back now and he is now calling and being accountable for all of his time. The other woman is now making my life a living hell she broke into my car at my place of employment and circles my home he put a stop to this I know because he confronted her and they got into a physical altercation and he came home all scratched up and his friends and my friends which followed him informed me he beat her like a “man” and she finally stopped. However I am not and he does not care for this. I have informed him that now I WILL PUT MY NEEDS FIRST AND I WILL BE THE FIRST WOMAN IN HIS LIFE AND NOT BE THE OTHER WOMAN AS I BELIEVE I HAVE BEEN FOR MANY YEARS. LADIES I BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WE PUT OUR CHILDREN AND OUR HUSBANDS FIRST AND OURSELVES LAST AND WE GET LOST IN OUR DAILY LIVES. WHEN THEY GO OUT AND HAVE AFFAIRS IT IS A FANTASY NOT A REALITY.WHEN THE REALITY HIT HIM AND HE AND SHE REALIZED THAT THEY HAD TO MAKE IT WORK AND PAY BILLS AND SHE HAD TO COOK AND CLEAN AND PUT UP WITH HIM EVERYDAY AS I HAVE SHE WOULD NOT DO IT AND HE WOULD NOT DO IT. WHEN A WOMAN BORROWS A MAN HE IS NEVER REALLY HERS TO KEEP AND HE WILL ALWAYS KNOW THAT DEEP DOWN IN HIS HEART AND SOUL ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT LADIES AND WHEN HE IS INSULTING YOU PUT HIM OUT AND LET HER HAVE HIM HE IS NOT WORTH IT FOR HE WILL TREAT HER THE SAME IF NOT WORSE THAN HE HAS TREATED YOU. Dr. H I would like to thank you for your help through this terrible time in my life you are an angel that was put in my path.I know that I have to spend a lot of time with my husband and be playful funny happy and be the woman he fell in love with because he still loves me and always will even if this doesnt work out I will always remain in his heart and mind for you cannot buid a life with someone and then forget them He knows that I have been a good wife to him I work, cook, clean and love him to no end but sometimes he needs more reassurance and these young girls are all about sex and nothing more. She used him for finanacial security and he realizes this now and maybe next time he will stop and just come home and maybe If he doesnt well now I know I will survive. THAN YOU SO VERY MUCH

  5. Ed says:

    I have always believed, and i still believe now that the true measure of a man is is can keep his promise and obligation. When I married my wife I accepted the obligation o protect, care, love, and love her more until the day I lose my breath, no matter what. I still live by that promise no matter what it takes. That is the only thing that will not change in this world. That is a permanent commitment because it has been blessed by God and God will see me through all these. Thank you

  6. Kim Shy says:

    Amen to that.
    The true measure of a man is the man that honors his vows. I like that you think that way Ed. :o)

  7. Nick G says:

    A true measure of a man is one that does not change who he is just because he got married. You can’t tell me that so many guys become yes machines just to keep the piece. What is that saying…Happy wife, happy life! Are you kidding me. You spend your entire life doing for her and agreeing to her every whim…for what? Sex when she wants not when you want. Asking permission to go and do guy stuff. I never argued with my wife for 25 years and it got me nothing but a feeling of being emasculated. The last 5 years has been very different. I speak my mind and do what I feel like I need to do. I take care of my responsibilities but I stopped being a doormat. Now all of a sudden the marriage is in turmoil and ahe cannot understand who I have become. My answer to that is “myself” I have no one to blame but me for letting this happen and I would suggest to each man out there that is contemplating any relationship…be true to who you are and if she can’t accept that then she is not the one. Trust me on this!

  8. Walter G says:

    I strongly share your sentiment about honoring your spouse and the committment but Nick G is on point. Women are manipulative throughout their entire lives. Number one for them is always them.

  9. Karen says:

    Walter, you are so wrong. Not all woman are manipulated, I should know, cause I am one of thos women. My x-husband cheated on me for 24 years and I took it. I’m the one that did without..the money my x-husband has spent on all the other woman would make me a millionaire now, and that is the honest truth. After this last affair I finally decided that enough was enough, I divoreced the man I loved cause I could no longer take the physical/verbal abuse-the cheating and lieing. I am not Disabled cause of 13 years of physical abuse..I have a herniated disc and 3.5 broken bones in my neck from the abuse. I was a good woman to my x-husband…I cooked-cleaned-worked and even had sex when I didn’t want too. We have 3 wonderful Sons that he doesn’t want anything to do with…and that is fine with our Sons…which breaks my heart. There are Good Woman out here…I should now, I’m one of them.

  10. Karen says:

    Please excuse my spelling on my comment. I think this comment website has a mind of it’s own, lol.

  11. Janice says:

    Walter G:

    And, men are NOT manipulative and they are NOT ‘always Number One’ to them? I beg to differ.

    I lived with my husband for 2 1/2 years before we married…we have been married for 24 years. The INSTANT we signed the marriage license, he changed (judging from a remark he made to the minister the second we signed). In 26 1/2 years, I have never been ‘physically’ with anyone else, even though he has ignored me constantly.

    We separated once, ten years ago…when I told him: “I am done being your doormat…I have nothing left to give to you”. Suddenly, he was, once again, the man I fell in love with. Suddenly, he couldn’t live without me.

    Now, after ten years of being back ‘home’, he’s having an affair with a young, stupid, girl he works with; listens to ‘metal rock n’ roll’ (something he could never stand); has LONG hair, is absolutely losing it!

    That’s not manipulative…that’s not ‘putting himself first’?????

  12. Riza says:

    I admit that there are women who are manipulative but not all as not all men are cheaters.Both genders can do what the other does.It just really comes to a persons traits,values and morals that separates him or her from the selfish ones who thinks nothing but one’s self.

  13. Liz says:

    I found your comment quite beautiful and poignant (for a man). And, I too, feel the same way about my marriage commitment..even though I have a cheating spouse at this stage of the game. I can only hope that someday he will become the man you are today. (You get it!) Hang in there. I know your pain. God will surely provide for you (he already has). My hope is your partner realizes the wonderful man and marriage she is putting at risk. Take comfort in knowing your are in the palm of God’s hand always.

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